"A Somewhat Empty Magic" -You Cannot Live Someone Else's Life-

"I want to be like that."
I think setting a "goal" like that
is a perfectly fine thing.

But when it turns into "envy",
and eventually develops into "jealousy",
well, that's not good.

Because "you cannot live someone else's life."

At most, I'd like to keep it at "I'm envious,"
right before it turns into a negative emotion,
and try to stop it there.

Once it becomes "resentment,"
it's time to hit the brakes.
—After all, no matter what,
you can't become "that person,"
so is there any point
in holding onto such feelings?

Suppose, just for a moment,

you could use magic
to become "that person."
At that point, it would be
"that person"
and no longer "you."

If you did a "total swap,"
I feel like "the existence of me"
would disappear.
There's no way you can
"cherry-pick the good parts."
Because "all elements, including the negative ones," combined
are what make "that person themselves."
(That's what I think, anyway.)

If that's the case,
"becoming someone else entirely"
is the same as "becoming a different person,"
so I think it's equivalent to
erasing "yourself" from this world.

—If, by any chance,
you could use such magic.

But I suspect that,
if you actually used it,
it would turn out to be
"a somewhat empty magic."

There are people who
"tend to deny" themselves.
(I have a lot of that in me, too.)
(...Yes, that's right,
I am quite a gloomy person. Haha)
But,
I don't think there is actually anyone
who "completely," that is,
"totally denies" every single thing about themselves.

—There must always be,
somewhere, somehow,
"a version of myself I never want to erase"
and "a version of myself I absolutely want to protect."

But if you became "someone else,"
that part might disappear,
or you might not be able to protect it.

What if "the magic to become someone else"
is equal to
"the magic to erase yourself from this world"?
—Hmm, as for me,
I might accidentally, in a moment of weakness,

end up using it!

(Good thing I can't! Haha)

I think people who meet the conditions of
"being able to choose work they relatively want to do"
and "earning a minimum income"
are lucky just for that.

I'll be honest.

I often feel empty
doing my current job. (Haha)
It's a "job chosen by process of elimination,"

and the pay isn't very good either.
(Actually, there are other reasons
"why I feel empty,"
but that's a long story,
so I'll save it for another time. Haha)
(If I could do the same work individually,
even if I were scraping by,
I could do it my own way,
so this emptiness might decrease, but
that's a bit too much of an adventure
to take the plunge.
I can't imagine "making it on my own.")
(And there's also the thought,
"If I were going to do it on my own anyway,
maybe I'd want to do a different business?" Haha)

That's why,
"being able to get a job you chose yourself
and making a living from it"—
just that alone,
even if "things don't go as planned at all,"
still, from my perspective,
I can't help but be
so, so envious of that person.

Precisely because "it's a job you care about,"
"you end up setting ideals,"
"you worry when things don't go as planned"—
even regarding those common occurrences,
I end up thinking,
"Stop complaining about such 'luxurious problems'."

—Well, I think this is
a type of "jealousy."
—It's an emotion that has
just barely
crossed the line of "envy."

Perhaps,
if I were to become "that person,"
I would,
surely be able to feel
the same kind of "worrying" feelings.

After all,
they are "a different person from who I am now."

"Worries" are,
something that belongs only to that person.

In other words,
I cannot truly understand
what "that person" is worrying about,
and much less,
there is no way I could ever "take their place."

Or,
even if someone were to say to me
regarding my own worries,
"What is that? That's a luxury of a worry.
There are people in this world who are struggling with more basic things,
like having food to eat or personal safety."
to me, my worries
are undoubtedly worries,
so they cannot be erased by such logic.
There is nothing that can be done about it.

No, it is not just about "worries."

Happiness, unhappiness, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, hope, frustration, success, failure, ...and so on,
I think each of these
is made
"custom-made"
for each individual person.

Even if you only pick up and look at
that person's "happiness," "success," or
"aspects that look enviable from here,"
you probably won't even be able to deepen your understanding
of that person,
and if so,
you will never be able to get any closer to being like them.
After all, in the first place,
it is impossible to "take their place entirely,"
including the "negative elements" they carry,

no matter how you try.

I have no choice but to live my own life.

—Which brings me to this.

Repeating what I said a few days ago,
just harboring an "admiration" for an "idol"
(like wanting to be Tomoyo Harada)
is about right for me.

It seems that just saying such unrealistic
"sleep talk"
is just right for me.
(...What kind of conclusion is this! Haha)