Even If I Cannot Walk on My Own

This summer, I sealed away the feelings of
thinking I shouldn't do things because I have to do them or because I would be a burden to my family,
and I did many things I wanted to do.
I did a lot of things I wanted to do.
I did a lot of things I wanted to do.

I cannot go outside without my family accompanying me, and I even use a wheelchair.
But because it's a mysterious illness, even though I cannot live a normal life, I cannot get a disability certificate.
Going to a hospital quite far away for a consultation is also a high hurdle for me.

Every single day, there is no time to rest due to pain and lethargy.

I knew that if I went out, my condition would definitely worsen.

Even so, I want to enjoy the summer I love, don't I?
Just because I have an illness, am I not allowed to have fun?

When I told my family how I felt,

They said to me with smiles, "We'll support you! Let's do what you love! If your fever goes up or you're in pain, we'll rest and give you a massage."

My daughter and my husband both said this to me with bright smiles.

Summer vacation began, and I went to see a movie I really wanted to watch!
The next day, I had severe pain all over my body and my eyes hurt so much that I couldn't open them.

I went to a sunflower field!
I received energy from the sunflowers I love so much,
and as a bonus, I developed a high fever.

I went to an amusement park at night!
For the first time in a while, I saw many people's smiles.
I collapsed from dizziness and pain.

I went to karaoke.
I sang while lying down.
My ears started ringing and I couldn't hear for a while.
The pain in my head reached its peak,
and I couldn't open my eyes.

After doing something fun,
the bonus of my condition worsening always follows.
I don't even have the grip strength to hold my smartphone,
and days of being bedridden, staring blankly, continue.

Things I could do as a matter of course
when I was healthy,
I cannot do at all now.

Even so, when I took the plunge and went out, thinking, "I want to do this, I want to go there,"
I was able to get so much more stimulation and input
than just lying on my futon, and even though my body was exhausted, my heart felt fulfilled.

By acting honestly according to my feelings,
I deeply felt that for someone with an illness,
a normal life is difficult.
And I end up being a burden to my family, too.

If I put too much strain on my brain,
my brain fog gets worse,
I can't hold a proper conversation,
and the tremors won't stop.

But I couldn't help but say it out loud.

“I want to start a company that makes goods that lift the spirits of people with illnesses like mine!”

I’ve always wished I could do something,
and I decided to take the plunge
and tell my family about what I’ve been thinking for a while.
Even though I wonder if someone with my illness can actually do it,
the excitement just won't stop.

The reason I wanted to think about and execute something
that I never even considered
when I was working as a therapist
is because I felt society through my own limited body.

The time I spent alone at home
left me feeling left behind by society,
and I was very lonely.

I loved interacting with people in real life,
so when I couldn't work anymore
and stopped meeting people,
I was completely devastated,
thinking I would never be able to recover,
and spent my days alone in the dark because light sensitivity increased my pain.

I thought I couldn't do anything,
but maybe,
just maybe, I can still do something?
Maybe there are new encounters waiting for me?

I realized that I still have
so many things I want to do inside me.

For my own sake,
and for others suffering from similar illnesses,
I want to do something
that brings smiles to our faces!

Being able to think that strongly,
and being able to write it down here!
The fact that I could think and say
that I want to do this even if it doesn't go well
makes me simply happy.

My heart is clearer and calmer
than I could have imagined a few years ago.

By gathering the courage
to take a step forward from inside my home,
I discovered a new version of myself
and felt I could start taking action, little by little.

Even though this illness is tough,
I should just enjoy life to the fullest.

I can just ask people who are able
to do the things I can't,
and there might be others in the world
who feel the same way I do.
Thinking that makes every day fun again!

I am saying, DON'T STOP ME NOW.

And,
while being grateful to my family and the people I’ve met,
I want to move forward honestly with my feelings,
and I felt like,
just a little bit,
really just a little bit,
my own level has gone up
this summer vacation.

Thank you for reading until the end.

With heartfelt gratitude.