To My Self One Year Ago

You are probably exhausted right now.
It's not just from lack of sleep, but fromthe fatigue of overthinking.

These three thoughts are swirling in your head all at once every single day.

Overthinking

I thought I should try self-analysis, so I'm going to give it a shot.
My strengths? Weaknesses? Values?
I don't really know. And the moment I write them down, I think:

——これ、本当に俺か？

Words that sound like examples on job hunting sites.
Phrases that sound plausible, read in some book.
Even though I feel like none of them are wrong, none of them feel quite right either.

Words of the world

It's all just sound logic, leaving me with nowhere to run.

やりたいこと？知らぬ。
情熱？何に？？？(。´･ω･)?
軸？？ないが…

It's not like you, one year ago, weren't doing anything.
You were attending classes. You were submitting assignments. You were even traveling across prefectures.

But,everything felt like a "placeholder".

"I'm just doing this for now."
"I don't feel like this is the right time."
"I don't know if this will lead to my future."

That's the feeling that has stayed with you.

Others look so bright

When I look at those around me,

Those people look so incredibly bright.
Even though they are struggling and working hard too.

「器用貧乏なんじゃないか」
「結局、何者にもなれないんじゃないか」

All those thoughts come rushing in at once.

And yet,
when asked "What can you be serious about?"I have no choice but to stay silent.

What does it mean to be serious?
Is it a state of being excited every day?
Is it being so immersed that you forget to sleep?

I don't have that right now.

That's why I feel anxious.

It's okay to be lost.

I'm telling you now,
you back then were neither weak nor lazy.

It's just thatyou believed too much that there was a 'correct life' somewhere out there.

Even now, a year later,
honestly, there is no clear answer.
What I want to do, what I'm interested in.

My career path, my research, nothing is decided.
I'm lost, and the anxiety hasn't disappeared.

Still, there is one thing that has definitely changed.

「分からない自分」を、前より嫌わなくなった。

Because I don't know, I write.
Because I don't know, I think.
Because I don't know, I talk to someone.

Now,
I think of not knowing as just being in the middle of the process.

If you from a year ago read this letter,
you would probably think this.

'In the end, you're still lost, aren't you?'

Yeah, that's right.

But the way I'm lost has truly changed.

I think that's pretty good for one year's worth of progress.

The me who is anxious,
the me who lacks confidence,
the me who feels like I'm nobody,

is properly 'in the middle of thinking'.

I haven't stopped.
I haven't given up.
I'm still going.

また1年後、
きっと同じように悩んでる。

But even then,
you should have a few more words than you do now.

To those who are struggling

There is no one who doesn't have worries.
The very fact that you are worrying
can also be seen as an attempt
to resolve those worries.

After all, people are
amazing just for eating their meals.

Thank you so much for reading this far!!
If this has given you even a small reason to think about your lifestyle habits,

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