Poem: In the Name of Anxiety
Yesterday, I walked beside a large fountain in the city
carrying an empty backpack
Because the fountain is a twin to time, wearing a spring coat
it continues to spray even yesterday
A week ago, I stood holding an umbrella
at the end of an old pier, just a little
I resemble Mary Poppins
Even though the sky is cloudy
it doesn't matter that it isn't raining
Six months ago, I hung my head
picking a fight with sleepiness, in a very small
library in a country town, a manual for how to live
is not found in books on color theory, there
on a twenty-seven-inch display, a year ago I
was drawing countless straight lines, vertically and horizontally
The reason I am laughing
and the reason I am crying, all of it
is because of the display screen, vertically and horizontally
lines running randomly, but
Five years ago, was I somewhere? Ten years ago
was I nowhere at all?
For the sake of such things, the elementary school
me opens a math drill, in that unfinished
second set of parentheses, the moonlight of tomorrow night
is reflected strangely pale
resembling the face powder of a woman from a distant day
The reason my hands are always cold is surely
because of that page in the drill, but because I have
an obsession inside me, I cannot
close the math drill
Even so
tomorrow will surely come
the day after tomorrow will surely come
Next year, three years from now, five years from now, with the fountain of yesterday
wearing the same spring coat, looking aloof
it will surely come, even so
Will I still be myself, five years from now?
The moonlight gets in the way, and the math drill
with no answers written, has it
crumbled away into pieces?
The way of life I should be searching for
is not in the small library in the country
I must have surely realized that, even if I hold an umbrella
I cannot become Mary Poppins, and
while wearing a spring coat, the fountain
will likely continue to spray, because it is
a twin to time, by the way, there is one thing I want you
to tell me
you who are reading this now
Where on earth
am I today?
I have received unexpected 'likes' on my previous essay and the poem before that. Thank you!
This time, it is an experiment, or rather, a search for a method of expression. It is still halfway there, though. For example,
・The sense of distance between the title and the body text
・The confusion of past time and the present progressive, or the relationship with the future
・Pronouns and adjectival verbs that seem to connect but do not
・Things that seem realistic but cannot be seen concretely
By combining these with realistic scenes, I imagine a certain atmosphere. My goal is for you to feel it rather than understand it. I feel that if I pursue this further, a new form might emerge.
Thank you for reading this time as well.
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