How I Started Measuring My Distance from Others

Last time, I wrote about the handmade stamp rally my mother made for me.

When I was afraid to go to school, my mother never forced me to 'do my best'.

Instead, she created small joys for me so that I could look forward, even if just a little.

Thanks to that, I gradually regained the will to head to school.

However, in a life of repeated school transfers, another feeling began to grow within me.

That was the tendency to be a bit more cautious about the distance I kept from others.

When I went to a new school, everyone would talk to me at first.

'Where are you from?'

'What was your old school like?'

'Let's play together.'

I was very happy to be told things like that.

But at the same time, there was a part of me that was a little guarded.

Even if we became friends, I might move again.

I might have to say goodbye to the friends I had just made.

I think that even as a child, I had those kinds of feelings.

Of course, back then, I couldn't put those feelings into words.

I just tried my best to fit in every time I went to a new place.

Talking with a smile.

Going along with others.

Learning the rules of that school as quickly as possible.

While I was bewildered by the differences in dialects and ways of speaking, I somehow tried to fit in.

But deep down, I was always a little nervous.

How should I behave here?

Who should I become friends with?

How much of myself should I reveal?

I think I was unconsciously thinking about things like that.

Transferring schools brings new encounters.

You can learn about many different places.

You can also meet many people.

But on the other hand, it also meant experiencing 'goodbye' over and over again.

Friends I had become close with.

Classrooms I had grown accustomed to.

School commute groups I had started to feel comfortable in.

I have had to let go of things like that many times.

Perhaps that is why, at some point, I started to measure the distance between myself and others.

I want to get closer, but I am afraid of getting too close.

I want to become friends, but I also think about the parting that will come.

Such clumsy feelings existed within me when I was a child.

Looking back now, I don't think it was all bad.

I became better at observing people's expressions.

I began to sense the atmosphere of a room.

I naturally started to think about how the other person was feeling.

The experience of repeatedly transferring schools brought me loneliness as well.

But at the same time, I think it also gave me the ability to be sensitive to people's feelings.

I might not have been the kind of child who could immediately get along with anyone.

But I learned to observe others closely and gradually close the distance between us.

That has carried over to who I am as an adult now.

Relationships with others don't have to be built in a hurry.

It is fine to get to know people little by little and build trust little by little.

Perhaps, as a child, I was learning those things bit by bit, even while feeling anxious with every school transfer.

Next time, I would like to write about how I, having repeatedly transferred schools, gradually found my own place.

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