There are days when I end up comparing myself

There are days when I end up comparing myself

Even though I don't want to compare, and I'm not doing it on purpose,
there are days when I find myself comparing before I realize it.

A friend's recent news.
News of a marriage.
Photos of children.
A fun-looking holiday.
A daily life shared with someone.

When I see things like that,
even if I don't feel obviously depressed,
there are times when a part of my heart feels quietly unsettled.

I truly think it's great for them.
I also think it's good that they seem happy.
I don't really want to be jealous, either.

But after that,
when I look at myself, it becomes a little painful.

I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't changed at all.
I feel like I'm the only one still stuck here.
That's the feeling.

Comparing, I think,
is less about envying the other person,
and more about suddenly feeling insecure about where I am right now.

Even if I'm living normally,
there are days when something triggers me,
and the things I feel I'm lacking
suddenly stand out.

About love.
About marriage.
About work.
About age.
About the future.

It's not like I'm worrying about these things every single day.
But in a sudden moment,
I get a feeling like,
"Will I be okay if I stay like this?"

Days when I end up comparing,
I think, are probably days when I don't have any emotional room to spare.

When I'm tired.
When things aren't going well.
When I'm trying hard but nothing changes.
When I'm feeling a little less confident.

On days like that,
when I see someone else's happiness,
the anxiety inside me
looks just a little bit bigger.

Even if I think,
"I want to stop comparing,"
it's not something I can stop easily.

Because,
when I see someone else's happiness,
it's quite natural
to think about myself.

The problem is,
I think it's not the act of comparing itself,
but that after comparing,
I keep putting myself down more and more.

That person is moving forward, but
I am not.

That person is chosen, but
I am not chosen.

That person has everything, but
I have nothing.

When I start thinking like that,
the aftermath is harder
than the comparison itself.

On days when I end up comparing myself to others,
it's easy to look for my own flaws.

If only I were more put together.
If only I were cuter.
If only I were more lovable.
If only I were more capable.
If only I were younger.

That's how it becomes
like a reflection meeting with no answers.

But,
when I'm depressed from comparing,
I usually don't see things clearly.

I don't see everything about the other person,
and I'm not seeing everything about myself properly either.

All I see is
the parts of others that are going well,
and the parts of myself that I feel are lacking.

It's hard not to feel miserable with that.

Days when I end up comparing,
I think, aren't days when I'm not moving forward,
but just days when I can't be kind to myself.

Even though I'm actually just tired,
I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

Even though I'm actually doing fine,
I feel like it's still not enough.

On days like that,
when someone else's happiness catches my eye,
I feel like I've been left behind.

But in reality,
everyone has their own flow,
and I have my own flow.

I know that in my head.
But,
there are days when it's painful even if I know it.

So,
maybe I don't have to immediately treat myself as bad
for comparing.

If I blame myself, saying,
"I'm comparing again," or "I'm thinking like this again,"
it just gets even harder.
Being able to just leave it at,

"I'm having a bit of a tough time right now, which is why I'm comparing,"
will probably make things a little easier.
It would be nice if I could become someone who doesn't compare, but
that probably won't happen overnight.

But,
maybe I can gradually learn

not to treat myself poorly
after I've compared.
If the number of days I can end by saying,
"Today is just one of those days," increases,

that alone makes a difference.
There are days when I end up comparing myself.
There are days when I feel left behind.

There are days when I feel like I have nothing.
I think that's probably not because I'm no good,
but because I'm living my life properly.

Someone who feels nothing
is probably living much less fully
than someone who gets hurt.

Even if there are days when I think,
"I compared myself today,"
it doesn't mean everything is ruined.

If I can end the day by saying,
"There are days like that too,"
maybe that's enough.

Koharu.