For You, When Divorce Has Crossed Your Mind: Things to Cherish When Your Heart Is Shattered
Introduction
When a marital relationship becomes strained, the two characters for "divorce" can suddenly cross your mind at any given moment.
It is a shocking experience. Your chest tightens, and the future looks pitch black.
"What should I do from here on out?"
"What will happen to the children?"
"Can I make it on my own financially?"
Your heart is crushed by the anxiety and fear that come rushing in one after another, and you cannot stop the tears as sadness and anger mingle together.
At such times, anyone's heart would be completely shattered.
But please, I want you to know this.
You are not a "broken person," but rather,a person who is currently in the process of recovery.
And what is important is not to make a major decision like "divorce" when your heart is wounded.
This is because, psychologically speaking, when your heart is unstable, you lack calmness and are easily swayed by emotions.
Chapter 1: What Happens to Your Brain and Heart When Divorce Crosses Your Mind
When a person experiences intense stress, a part of the brain called the "amygdala" becomes overactive. The amygdala is the place that governs emotions such as fear and anger; it is, so to speak, an "alarm system."
At the same time, the function of the "prefrontal cortex," which is responsible for rational judgment, weakens.
In this state, it becomes easy to fall into a psychological state where:
you are prone to thinking about things pessimistically
the desire to "escape from the current suffering" becomes stronger
you cannot calmly imagine the long-term future
Research has shown that these states are common.
In other words, the moment "divorce" crosses your mind is exactly when your brain is in stress mode.
That is precisely why making a decision while lacking calmness is dangerous.
Chapter 2: Why Decisions Made When Your Heart Is Ailing Are Dangerous
In psychology, there is a concept called "cognitive distortion." When your heart is weak, you become prone to interpreting things in an extremely negative way.
"Nothing will ever get better from here on out"
"The other person will never change"
"Happiness will never come to me again"
Such thoughts are close to an 'illusion' created by a brain exhausted by stress.
Even if there is actually room for improvement in the relationship, when your heart is shattered, you feel as though 'everything is over'.
That is why it is dangerous to decide on divorce before your heart has recovered.
It is like trying to decide the course of a voyage in the middle of a storm.
Chapter 3: Steps to Recover Your Heart
So, how can you gradually recover your heart?
Here, I will introduce a combination of psychological backing and practical steps.
1. 'Labeling' your emotions
Psychological research has shown that the act of 'naming your emotions (labeling)' has the effect of suppressing excessive activity in the amygdala.
'I am feeling sadness right now'
'I am filled with anger'
Just by putting it into words, you become less likely to be swallowed by your emotions.
Of course, having a close friend or a mutual friend listen to you is also an option.
2. Stabilizing the foundation of your body
The human heart is directly connected to the body.
For example, the autonomic nervous system is prone to losing its balance due to lack of sleep or fluctuations in blood sugar levels.
Sleep: Refrain from staying up late, and take a rest even if it is just a nap
Diet: Choose warm soup or foods that are easy to digest
Breathing: When your chest is full of anxiety, focus on 'exhaling' rather than 'inhaling'
Even just doing this will help regulate your autonomic nervous system and ease feelings of anxiety.
3. Regaining small 'pleasures'
In positive psychology, it is considered that what fosters a sense of happiness is not 'big events' but the 'accumulation of small joys'.
Listening to your favorite music
Enjoying the aroma of coffee
Taking a 10-minute walk in the park
Fill your immediate surroundings within a one-meter radius with things you love
Buy slightly expensive cosmetics to lift your spirits from the morning
Especially when your heart is weak, accumulating these small pleasures becomes the energy for your recovery.
Chapter 4: Things to Consider After Your Heart Has Calmed Down
Once your heart has calmed down to some extent, you will finally be able to think calmly about whether divorce is truly necessary.
Is divorce the best choice?
Is there any room left for reconciliation?
Is there room to realign the prerequisites with your partner?
These are questions that can only be considered once your heart is stable.
In a psychologically recovered state, your thinking becomes flexible, and you will be able to view your options from multiple perspectives.
Do not try to win or lose in discussions
It is natural to have different upbringing environments and values. Why do you want to cherish those values? What is important is just the feeling of accepting your partner as they are
It is easier to change yourself than to change your partner
"Why should I have to change when I'm not the one in the wrong!?"
I used to think this way.
Even so, deep down, I knew that my partner wasn't 100% at fault. But I had lost my composure and couldn't admit it.
You don't have to admit it right away.
You don't need to accommodate your partner 100%, but if the fact is that "the result of communicating it that way hasn't worked out," then unless you change how you communicate or initiate some change yourself, the misunderstanding will remain a misunderstanding forever.
If you believe you absolutely cannot live together in the future unless your values match 100%.
If that is your answer, then you are the one who must make the decision after fully understanding the differences between men and women and how to communicate.
Conclusion
When the two characters for "divorce" cross your mind, you are in a vortex of great loneliness and fear.
But that is not because you are weak. It is the result of your human brain and heart reacting as they naturally would.
That is why you should prioritize healing your heart first.
It is not too late to make big decisions after that.
And when your heart has recovered a little, I plan to share more about the "process of marital deterioration" and the "habits that happy couples are conscious of," so I would be happy if you would follow me and wait for those updates!
By knowing that, your options might expand beyond just divorce.
I hope your heart feels even a little bit lighter.