Choices
On my way home after watching a movie, I often listen to the soundtrack because I want to stay immersed in the world of the film. I haven't yet organized my thoughts enough to put the movie I just finished into words, and in fact, I feel it would be a waste to verbalize it too quickly. Instead, I use the music to pull the world of the film—which I was a part of just moments ago—into the real world. The time spent leaving the darkness of the theater and reflecting on the movie I just saw leaves me feeling unfocused and hazy, both physically and mentally. It feels as if a camera is filming me from somewhere as the protagonist, and a sensation grows that I have become a member of the movie's world.
Recently, I've been reading the original screenplay while listening to the soundtrack of "Past Lives," which I saw two years ago, and I've even rewatched the film alongside the script. I hadn't read many movie scripts before, and of course, there are no actors' expressions there—just concise descriptions of situations and lines of dialogue written in text. The plain descriptions in the script like "Beat." or "Silence." are expanded by the soundtrack, and the scenes from the movie and the emotions I felt at the time come back to me in a hazy way.
"Past Lives" Synopsis
Nora and Hae Sung are 12-year-old children living in Seoul. They have feelings for each other, but they are separated when Nora emigrates abroad. Twelve years later, at age 24, they are living their own lives in New York and Seoul, and they reconnect online, but they drift apart despite their feelings for one another. Then, another 12 years later at age 36, Nora is married to an author named Arthur. Knowing this, Hae Sung visits New York to see Nora. These are the seven days of their reunion, finally meeting again after 24 years. What is the destiny they choose?
Based on director Celine Song's own experiences, this film garnered a lot of attention during the 2023-2024 awards season. As usual, the Japanese release was later than in other countries, so I spent days feeling impatient while waiting for it to open in Japan, all while seeing many very positive reviews. I went to see it as soon as it was released on the weekend, and while still wrapped in its lingering effects, I talked about the film on my podcast with my sister, "Sister and Brother's My Pace Radio." It was so soon after watching it that I said on that podcast episode that I "hesitated to put it into words." Even now, it is difficult to verbalize.
In the film, the Korean word "In-Yun" appears symbolically. In Japanese, it means "fate" or "fateful connection." Looking back, it seems I have strong opinions about fate, as I have frequently brought it up on past podcasts.44. Sister-Brother Radio 211204In that episode, we discussed my nature and tendencies based on the results of a genetic test I took. We talked about the philosophy of fate and the philosophy of resistance, with my sister accepting the results as something that just is and finding meaning in them, and me, the younger brother, wanting to resist and change the results. Going back even further, in27. Sister-Brother Radio 201101we talked about people we might have been able to get closer to and connections we missed. I previously had a business trip to New York, the setting of "Past Lives." Fortunately, I had a little less than half a day, so I decided to visit the filming locations. Listening to the soundtrack, I visited spots like Madison Square Park, where the two reunited in person for the first time in over 20 years; the Hudson River waterfront and the carousel, where they walked while talking about what happened during their time apart; and the apartment where they said goodbye with the words, "(In another life) see you then."
It's a little different from pining for a first love like in "Past Lives," but what I find myself thinking about is "choices." Some things I chose of my own will, while others were situations I couldn't help. I don't have regrets about my current life, nor am I agonizing over the choices I've made. I just find myself wondering what my world would be like if I had made different choices back then. Those are parallel worlds of myself that were far more possible than any fantasy. They range from trivial things, like being a few minutes late or a word I swallowed at the time, to major ones, like what if I had gone to a different university or worked at a different company. Regardless of size, each one influenced who I became, and there might have been a different timeline for me than the one I'm in now.
No matter how much I think about the past, what's done is done, and there is only the current me and the future me. The future can change as much as I want based on my upcoming choices and how I face them. But that is precisely why, at random moments, I find myself thinking about "what ifs." While listening to the soundtrack and visiting the filming locations in New York, I felt as if my own past choices and parallel worlds were surrounding me along with the scenes from the movie.
Come to think of it, the ending of that movie was the same. The conclusion cannot be easily called a breakup or a hope. But it gently embraced the fact that it's okay to have mixed emotions, and that choosing to move forward while holding onto those feelings is a path in itself.
I catch a glimpse of the parallel-world version of myself beyond my unfocused, hazy vision. I stop occasionally, and without denial or regret, I continue to make the next choices in my life while quietly exchanging glances with the version of myself that might have been.