Note as a Record of Awareness and Introspection

Thanks to everyone's support, today marks 800 consecutive days of updating my note.

Since it's a milestone, I thought I would write down my current feelings about why I continue to write on note, just as a reminder to myself.

I started note in 2018. It was triggered by the passing of a friend who was also a contemporary of mine at the age of 40. I was suddenly overcome with an unbearable feeling that the world would keep turning unchanged even after someone had died, and I started it impulsively on her monthly memorial day.

At that time, I relied solely on the desire to blindly keep updating every single day for 365 days, but I failed at daily updates just before reaching the 365-day mark.

I lost sight of when to stop, so I just kept updating irregularly and aimlessly.

On May 1, 2021, I suddenly decided to resume daily updates.

And this time, I wanted to make it a note that people would actually read. With that in mind, I started daily updates again with the intention of increasing my followers, participating in projects, and creating opportunities for many people to see my work.

Until then, I hadn't interacted with anyone through comments on note and had spent my time as a complete recluse, but through participating in projects and following people back, I began to interact with many others.

And as I wrote candidly about what I was truly feeling, the past traumas that I had covered up and avoided facing began to come back vividly.

At the same time, I felt that maybe I could face them now, which led me to suddenly think of Kindle publishing, and I published my first book in December 2021.

At that time, I felt I wanted to draw a picture book next, so I published a picture book on Kindle in September 2022.

Since then, in a sense, I have continued to write while searching for why and how I should write on note, and I have reached today while still feeling a bit lost.

***

I once read an article on note that said there are three main types of posting on note: information dissemination, interaction, and reading-only.
I have read such an article.

For me right now, none of these three types fit perfectly.

If I had to choose, I feel that the approach of note as a record of awareness and introspection which I also saw in someone else's note article, is the closest.

My recent notes are diaries, recording daily events and the things I have realized through them.

When I write them down, I realize things like, 'Oh, I'm feeling this way,' 'My perspective is quite distorted,' or 'I felt this happy.' By expressing my feelings outwardly, I am sometimes surprised to realize my own feelings and the situation I am in for the first time.

That doesn't necessarily mean I always feel refreshed by doing so.

However, by writing and taking a little distance from my feelings and the situation I am in, I feel that it has become easier than before to escape from situations that I previously felt were too close to see and too tangled to get out of.

If it were just a diary, there might be no need to go out of my way to post it on note; I could just keep it private for myself.

However, when I try to write in a way that is at least understandable to those who read it, I naturally strive for expressions that are easier to convey than in a personal diary.

Also, I used to have a very strong desire for approval, so even now, when I receive 'likes,' it motivates me and encourages me to keep going.

Having received that motivation, the note I have continued has become a starting point, and since then, I have been able to practice sobriety, post on Twitter once a day, broadcast on Stand.fm every day, and post an illustration on Instagram every day (I rarely skip Twitter and Instagram, except for note, Stand.fm, and sobriety), and becoming able to believe in myself might be the best thing about continuing note.

Before I started note, I was thoroughly denying myself in the deepest, deepest part of my heart without realizing it, and even though I usually tried to live positively, when something happened, a self-deprecating and self-blaming switch would activate, and I had a tendency to drive myself into a corner, thinking, 'I don't deserve to be happy. I was born to be unhappy.'

Even now, that habit hasn't completely disappeared. However, just being aware that 'I have a tendency to dig a hole and fall into a negative spiral myself when triggered by some negative event' is completely different from not being aware of it at all.

Even now, I sometimes fall into extreme all-or-nothing thinking, but I feel that I am continuing to change little by little every year, becoming able to tolerate gray areas much more.

I have become able to believe in myself.

That means I have become able to affirm myself, saying, 'I am a person who deserves to be happy, and I was born to be happy.'

This is huge.

In that sense, I intend to continue writing from tomorrow onwards, not as an information-sharing type, an interaction type, or a reading-only type, but mainly as a record of awareness and introspection type.

To everyone who gives me likes and follows, thank you.

Thank you for the current situation where I can continue to update while continuing to change on the note platform.

And above all, thank you to everyone I interact with.

I don't think I could have continued alone.

I look forward to your continued support.

Thank you for reading this far✨✨✨