When the Cicadas Cry | Short Story

I wanted her to love me like ice melting, but my mother died so suddenly. Missan started talking about the funeral while sobbing uncontrollably.

Is it okay if you're the chief mourner, Missan?

When he said that,

Yeah.

I replied while keeping my head down, swinging my legs back and forth like a little girl.

Missan was my mother's remarriage partner, and five years had passed since we started living together, but I had never publicly introduced him to anyone as my father. When we first met, my mother introduced him by saying,

This person is called Missan.

And,

You don't have to force yourself to call me Dad, Father, or Papa.

Missan himself told me that, so I've called him Missan ever since. Missan is a middle-aged man who is always cheerful and has a friendly smile that makes people like him. He claims to be as friendly as a golden retriever, and he seems to be popular. It's true, I've rarely seen Missan speak ill of others or get irritated; he's usually just grinning. Before she died, my mother often said about Missan,

The world isn't such a bad place if a person as friendly as this exists.

It's true that when you're with someone who is irritable, it feels like the air in the room gets contaminated by that irritation, and you end up getting infected by it yourself. So, perhaps my mother, who said she was happy just being with the always-cheerful Missan, had hit upon the essence of life.

Kayo-chan, hey, Kayo-chan, which altar flowers should we choose?

Brought back to reality by Missan's voice, I looked toward where it came from and saw tears caught in the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes as he paced back and forth. I took the file with photos attached that the funeral home staff member handed me, and inside were several pictures of altars, with lilies and chrysanthemums arranged beautifully.

The white chrysanthemums are pretty.

As I pointed at the photo and casually looked at the price written below it, I was surprised by how expensive it was. I hurriedly moved my index finger to the cheapest altar and stopped. While holding back a laugh at my own behavior, I looked at Missan, who was sniffling, and he replied to the funeral home staff,

Well then, we'll take this one.

I swung my legs back and forth again, desperately trying to hide the laughter that, quite inappropriately, kept welling up at Missan's intense sobbing.

And once various decisions were made, I looked at my mother in the coffin. She had been given funeral makeup, and her blush was heavier than usual, but she was beautiful. Missan, who was sitting in a chair behind me and still sobbing, called my name with a stuffy voice.

Hey, Kayo-chan, I have something important to tell you. If you're okay with it, why don't we keep living together? I might be unreliable, but I'll do my absolute best... so... please.

Then Missan started sobbing again, and by the end, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I think he calls himself "Missan" because he knows he's a lovable character. Strangely, I didn't feel any disgust at that, and above all, I couldn't just leave Missan there with his eyes and nose all red from crying so much.

"Yeah, I'm going to stay with you from now on, Missan, so please stop crying."

When I said that, Missan started saying that my way of speaking and the tone of my voice were just like my mother's, and he started sobbing and choking up again. I asked Missan, who was too overwhelmed by crying to make sense of anything, if he wanted a drink, and he said,

"A BOSS Black coffee."

Even though he was sobbing, he was very specific with his order, so this time I couldn't help but laugh. Then Missan wiped his tears with a handkerchief and gave a small laugh too. Feeling a little relieved, I went to the vending machine outside to buy some juice, and there was a dead cicada on the hot concrete, baked by the sun.

"Ah, summer is ending already."

I felt that, and my chest tightened. I lightly dug into the soil of a nearby flowerbed with my hands and returned the cicada's body to the earth. When I touched the heat of the outside air, tears fell like drops of ice, staining the light gray concrete black. They kept falling and soaking into the ground one after another. I let out a small sigh, and my tears stopped. Even though the concrete and the sound of the cicadas were sinking deep into the darkness, the sky was just there, blue and high above.

From that day on, my life with Missan began. I helped with the housework as much as I could, and Missan took care of me while he worked. In time, we developed something like rules for living together. At the end of each day, we would talk about what happened to us. For example, Missan would say he helped a junior colleague at work who made a mistake, or I would say that my math teacher at school had nose hair sticking out that looked like cicada legs, and we would laugh or offer each other comfort. We spent years living just the two of us like that, and although I never called Missan 'father,' he became an irreplaceable presence to me. That's why I want Missan to be happy, so I said,

"You don't have to hold back for my sake, so if there's someone you like, please tell me."

When I said that, he replied,

"Missan isn't interested in any woman other than Michiko (your mother). So, she's the only one I'll ever love."

Seeing Missan look at my mother's memorial portrait with gentle eyes after saying that and taking a sip of his hot sake, I couldn't say anything more. Since then, Missan grew older as Missan, and I reached the age of thirty as myself. Even as an adult, I never left home and continued to live with Missan. My boyfriend, friends, and coworkers think it's strange, but for me, the option of leaving home never existed.

"It's weird, you know, living together all this time."

My boyfriend, Taka-kun, always says that and seems to find it strange.

"It's not weird at all."

I replied with a mouthful of Mont Blanc. Taka-kun, who was clumsily handling his fork while making clinking sounds against his plate, said, "You think so?" as he ate the strawberry from his shortcake.

"Oh, what was that important thing you wanted to talk about today?"

I asked Taka-kun casually, and he said,

"Ah, I'll tell you about that later."

He brushed it off, but I actually knew what it was. A few days ago, I saw Taka-kun in town and followed him to surprise him, only to see him enter a famous jewelry store. When I peeked at him through the shop window, I saw him receiving a ring. I was so shocked that I panicked and left without calling out to him. 'I'm going to be proposed to today.' Another part of me shouted in my heart, and I choked on the iced coffee I was drinking. I coughed and coughed, surprised at how shaken I still was.

We left the cafe and were walking along the coast when we found a thicket of trees where cicadas were screaming loudly, and beneath them lay the carcasses of cicadas. I remembered my mother's funeral and slowly began to tell Taka-kun about that time. As I talked about when my mother passed away, Taka-kun listened with a serious expression, nodding occasionally. Along with the sense of loss from my mother's sudden death, I also told him how Missan had cried so hard that I ended up laughing.

"Missan is such a good person."

Taka-kun murmured gently. And I said,

"Missan really is a good person."

As I said that, Taka-kun suddenly reached into his bag, looking for something. Then, a ring suddenly appeared before my eyes.

"Will you marry me?"

In my heart, I wanted to retort, "Now of all times?!" but I knew it wasn't the right atmosphere for that, so I remained silent and looked at Taka-kun, who was gazing at me with his usual soft smile. Because the phrasing of his proposal bothered me, I said,

"'Will you marry me?' isn't wrong, but I feel like 'Please marry me' sounds more sincere."

When I said that, Taka-kun replied,

"It doesn't matter which one you use. Either way, I'm proposing to you, Kayo-chan. So, what will you do? Are you going to do it or not? Which is it?"

I was bombarded with questions full of question marks like a quiz show, and unable to answer immediately, I said,

"Let me think about it for a little while."

When I said that, Taka-kun's eyes went wide with surprise, but he just murmured a small "Okay" and put the ring back in his bag. The reason I couldn't give an immediate answer was that I felt hesitant about leaving Missan all alone in that house. She raised me with all her might, and I couldn't leave an elderly Missan by herself. I told Taka-kun, while an awkward atmosphere hung in the air, that I actually wanted to be the one to care for her until the end.

"That's great! So you don't dislike me, then. Well then, let's go see Missan right now."

At his usual sudden turn of events, I lightly tapped Taka-kun's chest.

"What are you talking about! We don't even know if Missan is home, and what are we supposed to do if we go there?"

Then Taka-kun put on his usual smile and said,

"Try contacting Missan. Come on, hurry up."

He urged me on. I let out a sound like a cow's moo, "Moooo—," took out my phone, and contacted Missan, who apparently was doing yard work. I asked Missan,

"There's someone I want you to meet, so can I bring them over now?"

When I heard that,

"What! Who is it! Ah! I know! Isn't it Riisa Naka!"

they were so excited, so I said,

"It's not Riisa Naka. Just look forward to it."

I said only that and hung up the phone. Taka-kun, who had been watching the situation from the side, muttered, "Riisa Naka...?" but I found explaining it to be a hassle, so I pretended not to hear him and said,

"Shall we go then?"

leaving behind the coastal thicket where the cicadas were buzzing busily.

When we arrived at the house where Missan was waiting, Taka-kun suddenly started to get nervous. He started saying things like, "Is my hairstyle weird?" or "Shouldn't I be wearing a suit?" like a girl in love, which troubled me.

"Missan won't care about things like that, I think."

When I said that, sounding somewhat annoyed, Taka-kun asked, "Is that really true?" and observed his reflection in the window from various angles, finally saying, "Alright!" to psych himself up, though his voice cracked. Then, when we entered the entryway,

"Excuse me!"

he said it energetically, but his voice cracked again on the final "me!". I couldn't help but laugh, and Taka-kun, standing next to me, looked at me with a blank expression.

"Sorry, I ended up laughing. Please, come on in."

When I said that, Taka-kun put on his slippers with a solemn look on his face. I was a little surprised that someone could put on slippers with such a serious expression, and as we walked down the hallway and into the living room, Missan was drinking beer while watching TV.

"Oh! Welcome back! That's not Riisa Naka, it's a guy, what a shame."

To Missan, who said that, Taka-kun began a long greeting in a serious tone. Then Missan said,

"Taka-kun, was it? Thank you for always taking care of Kayo-chan. Let's leave the greetings at that, can you drink beer?"

he said, speaking to Taka-kun with a smile like a golden retriever.

"Ye-yes! With pleasure!"

Taka-kun replied with a phrase like a tavern waiter's catchphrase and sat down near Missan, then began pouring beer for Missan, so I watched the two of them while preparing the chopsticks and plates. Then Missan, after sipping only the foam from the beer in his glass, said,

Taka-kun, don't call me Father or Dad. Just call me Missan, okay?

When he said that, Taka-kun replied while still sitting formally. Then, it was Taka-kun's turn to speak to Missan.

Missan, may I ask you one question? Are you a fan of Riisa Naka?

As soon as Taka-kun said that, Missan's eyes began to sparkle, and he said,

Missan is a fan of Riisa Naka, you see. And well, there are about 1,000 things I love about Riisa Naka, and...

If I left him alone, he would start talking about Riisa Naka forever, so I stepped in and brought up gardening, a hobby Missan and Taka-kun shared. The two of them seemed to enjoy talking back and forth while drinking beer. Seeing them both beaming with joy, I suddenly felt like I understood why I had fallen in love with Taka-kun. Just as I was feeling that, Taka-kun said,

Um! Missan! This is sudden, but would you like to live together with Kayo-san and me!?

He brought up his usual sudden proposal. Missan looked at Taka-kun with eyes so wide they seemed ready to pop out, and he appeared unable to find the words. Then, Taka-kun continued.

The way I see it, families start out as complete strangers with no blood relation. I believe that strangers stay by each other's side, supporting one another, and eventually become a family. So, Missan, Kayo-chan, and I—why don't the three of us become a family?

After saying that, Taka-kun downed his beer in one gulp. Missan and I were both captivated by the way he drank. And Taka-kun's words echoed in the air.

Why don't the three of us become a family?

The reverberation of those kind words melted into the air and gave it color. I looked at Missan and our eyes met, and then our two light, transparent gazes naturally turned toward Taka-kun.

Oh, um, I'm sorry. It seems I've troubled you.

Taka-kun looked apologetic as he poured himself another glass of beer from the bottle and gulped it down again.

That sounds great. I'm in favor of it.

I murmured as I poured beer into Taka-kun's glass, which had emptied in an instant. Having lost my mother and been raised by Missan, who has no blood relation to me, I know this well. My life with Missan, which was awkward at first, gradually softened and transformed into a comfortable, everyday routine. Before I knew it, it had changed into something indispensable, becoming a part of my life. I savored the realization that you can become a family even without blood ties.

Yeah, Missan is in favor of it too. It sounds fun, like one of those trendy share houses.

Missan spoke to Taka-kun with his usual smile. His voice sounded as if it were gently wrapping around Taka-kun.

I'm so glad. I was worried about what I would do if you said no.

Saying that, Taka-kun began to tell Missan about his upbringing. He said that after his parents divorced when he was young, he was left in the care of his mother's family and raised by his grandparents. And, just like me, he lost his mother when he was in junior high school, and then lost his grandparents one after another last year.

I'm all alone in the world.

As Taka-kun muttered this, a droplet of water on his glass slid down. The words echoed as if brushing against the tatami mats of the living room before fading away sadly, and then Missan picked them up and began to speak as if gently stroking them.

Taka-kun, you're not alone in the world; you have Kayo-chan, don't you? And with Missan joining in, the three of us will be a family, right?

Missan put on her usual smile and gave her own knee a pat.

That's right! I have to tell Michiko (my mother) that our family is growing!

Saying this, Missan moved to the adjacent Buddhist altar room, and Taka-kun joined her in pressing his hands together in prayer before the altar. Watching the two of them, I thought, "They look alike," and moved to the altar room to join them, pressing my hands together beside Taka-kun. Then, Taka-kun looked at my mother's portrait and said,

Oh, your mother looks a bit like Riisa Naka.

When he said that, Missan happily replied,

See! She's a beauty, isn't she!

Missan put her arm around Taka-kun's shoulder, and they moved back to the living room to resume sharing drinks. I went to the kitchen and, while transferring the eggplant namban-zuke and kinpira burdock I had prepared earlier from the refrigerator to plates, I pondered. In just those few minutes, I had ended up living with Missan and Taka-kun. I hadn't even given Taka-kun an answer about marriage yet. But somehow, a scene of the three of us living together floated before my eyes. Waking up in the morning, grilling three salmon fillets, making miso soup and rolled omelets, cutting up lightly pickled cucumbers, and arranging them on plates on the table. Then, calling out to them, "Breakfast is ready!" and having them both come to the table, properly say "itadakimasu," and pick up their chopsticks to start eating. The image of us eating breakfast in silence, with someone occasionally starting a conversation, drifted gently over my head.

Won't you become a family with me?

Taka-kun's words passed by as if gently stroking me. I said in a low voice,

Yes, let's be a family.

As I said that, outside the house, a cicada must have been perched on a tree, chirping busily the whole time.

A few months later, after we had registered our marriage, Taka-kun moved into the house. Once we started living together, the life where we couldn't quite grasp each other's pace at first became routine, and we each began to spend our days calmly. Living our soft and peaceful days, we would talk about what happened during the day while drinking beer on the nights we shared dinner together.

Missan, today while I was gardening, I thought I'd lost my reading glasses, but they were on my forehead.

Missan said, "I'm such a klutz. I've been so forgetful lately," and then drank her beer. Right after she said that, she started saying, "I don't have my reading glasses," so I jokingly told her, "They're on your forehead," and Missan laughed, saying, "Oh, sorry, sorry."

A few months passed, and Missan was gardening with a slightly hunched back. Then, to me, who was watching TV in the living room, she said,

Mom, Mom, this is pretty, isn't it?

Because she said something senile like that,

"Who are you calling Mom!"

When I retorted, Missan looked at me with a puzzled expression and said this.

"Huh? Who might you be?"

I wondered if she was losing her mind, but seeing Missan's serious and bewildered expression, I sensed that something was wrong. I managed to talk a confused Missan into going to the hospital right away. We spent the whole day just on tests. While we were sitting on a hospital bench, Missan called my name.

"Kayo-chan."

I was wide-eyed at those words, when...

"I'm hungry."

Missan muttered, looking down. We went to the hospital cafeteria, ordered curry, and ate. As I scooped up the curry with my spoon, the back of my nose started to tingle and burn, so I held my nose and looked up. Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes and trickled down to my temples. Seeing this, Missan said,

"Kayo-chan, what's wrong? Is it that spicy?"

She said something as eccentric as ever, which only made me cry more. Then, Missan smiled and brought a spoonful of curry to her mouth.

After that, by the time the various tests were finished and we returned home, she was back to her usual self. We talked about our day as we always did, but that strange, floating sensation never quite went away. A few days later, when we went to the hospital to hear the test results, Missan was diagnosed with dementia. After talking with the doctor about the illness and what to expect in the future, we returned home to find Taka-kun waiting in the living room, still in his suit. Then Missan said,

"Missan has dementia."

She muttered this, took a beer from the fridge, and drank it. Then, looking into the eyes of Taka-kun and me as we sat beside her, she said,

"I've decided to go into a care facility."

Watching Taka-kun and me in our confusion, Missan smiled her usual smile. From then on, without consulting Taka-kun or me, she went ahead and applied to a facility on her own, and two months later, she moved in because a spot had opened up. I was more stunned by Missan's actions than I was sad. I didn't say it out loud, but I had intended to look after Missan until the end. The fact that I could no longer do that was what tore at my heart more than anything.

"Fool. You're a real fool."

I muttered to myself, not to anyone in particular, and the remnants of winter rolled through the quiet hallway. My feet were cold, so I decided to have some hot sake today. I had already prepared oden, and since Taka-kun would be home late, I decided to enjoy it by myself. I crawled into the kotatsu, which I hadn't put away yet, and savored the piping hot oden and hot sake. Then, as the hot oden passed through my esophagus, a wave of sorrow surged into my chest. I held my nose and looked up, and hot tears trickled from the corners of my eyes and ran down to my temples. Tears the color of sorrow overflowed and wouldn't stop. It wasn't just that Missan was gone that hurt; the thought of her forgetting us because of her dementia was far more terrifying. I wiped my tears with a tissue and downed the hot sake. The sorrow that wouldn't disappear even then came and settled into my heart, making a soft, rhythmic sound like footsteps.

I threw myself into work and housework as if to fill the hole in my heart left by Missan's absence. I even worked overtime, which I usually don't do, to get through my daily life, and seeing me like that, Taka-kun said,

"Why don't you go visit Missan on your day off tomorrow?"

He muttered, looking worried.

...I wonder if it would be a bother to Missan if I went?

I said,

I think Missan would be happy. I have work so I can't go with you, but Kayo-chan, you should go and take your time.

Taka-kun whispered, as if gently wrapping around my hardened heart. I gave a small reply, "Yeah."

The next day, on the way to Missan's facility, unnecessary thoughts like "What should I talk about?" kept racing through my mind. When we lived together, I never had to worry about things like that. When I arrived in front of the facility, I took a deep breath and headed toward the main entrance. Missan was in the large lobby, chatting happily with other residents. As I listened in secretly, it seemed they were talking about me.

My Kayo-chan is the best in the world.

When Missan said that, the people at the facility and those around teased him, saying things like "As if!" or "You're such a doting parent," making it hard for me to approach. Then, Missan turned around and said, "Oh! It's Kayo-chan," and the people he was talking to stared at me. A lady then gave me a compliment, saying, "My, what a pretty young lady." Seeing me, Missan was as charming and popular as ever, just like a golden retriever. Missan stood up and came over to me, so we moved to a quiet sofa to talk.

You seem to be having a lot of fun.

I said with a hint of sarcasm, and Missan replied,

It's going okay, I suppose.

He said, rubbing his neck while looking out the window. Then, with a serious face, he said,

I'm sorry for deciding so many things on my own. When I learned about dementia, I suddenly got scared. I couldn't bear the thought of forgetting Michiko, or even forgetting you, Kayo-chan. Besides, I don't want you to see me as I gradually forget everything.

Missan said, and then drank the BOSS black coffee he was holding.

Can I come visit you sometimes?

When I asked that, Missan nodded with his usual smile.

After that, I started visiting Missan on my days off. At first, I lied and said it was simply because I was bored, but the truth was that I wanted to see him. Missan, seeing me come every week, would say,

What kind of trouble are you in that you have to come see me?

He was exasperated, but that was none of my business.

I'm coming because I want to see you.

When I said that, Missan...

“You really are a strange one.”

I say, scratching the back of my neck while drinking my usual BOSS black coffee.

Missan seemed to be doing well at the facility, but sometimes she would call the staff “Mom,” and her memory seemed to be getting hazy. Even so, I never thought she would forget me. I had told myself, “We’ve been together for twenty years, it’ll be fine,” but eventually, Missan became unable to recognize who I was. She started mistaking me and Taka-kun, who would visit the facility from time to time, for the staff or the cleaners.

Two years passed since then, and just as the sound of the cicadas began to fade, Missan passed away. I received a call on my cell phone saying her condition had suddenly changed, and though I rushed to the hospital where she had been taken, we were unable to be there for her final moments. Beside Missan, who looked as if she were sleeping peacefully on the bed, Taka-kun was crying quietly. Yet, I couldn't cry; I just went through the administrative tasks in a detached manner. All the while, even though my mind felt empty, memories of Missan slowly seeped in, bit by bit.

Missan, who had sobbed and mourned my mother’s death at her funeral.

Missan, who would always take a sip of miso soup at meals and say, “Ah! Delicious!”

Missan, who would pick flowers in the garden while bowing her head and saying, “Thank you for your life.”

Missan, who was superstitious about putting on her left sock first to bring good luck.

Missan, who insisted that canned coffee had to be BOSS.

Missan, who would brag about Riisa Naka.

Missan, who had forgotten me.

My father.

When I realized it, tears were streaming down my cheeks and falling onto the documents I was writing. I couldn't stop them, and my cheeks grew wet. I had known since I was little that death inevitably exists on the timeline of life. Yet, I couldn't find a way to fill this sense of loss. When I took a small breath, all I could smell was the distinct scent of disinfectant from the hospital. As I sniffled along with my tears, I filled out the application form, sealed it, and handed it to the nurse, then found Taka-kun sitting on a bench. I wiped my tears with a handkerchief and sat down next to him, peering at his face to see that his eyes and nose were red. Then Taka-kun said,

“I was truly happy to have met Missan.”

He whispered in a trembling voice. I also whispered,

“Yeah, I really feel the same way.”

We both nodded and cried together. What would Missan say if she saw us like this?

“Kayo-chan, Taka-kun, you’re crying too much.”

Would she say that while giving us her usual smile, the one that reminded me of a golden retriever? Even thinking that, I couldn't stop my tears.

The bond I have with Missan in my heart is warm, soft, and ticklish; it is a precious part of me, and I don't think it will ever fade. And I know this: the heart that has hardened with a sense of loss will soften over time, as I learned when my mother passed away. I whispered a small “It’s okay” to myself and stepped outside the hospital. There, on the hot concrete baked by the sun, lay the carcass of a cicada.

"Ah, summer is already coming to an end."

I felt that way, and my chest tightened. Then, I lightly dug into the soil of a nearby flower bed with my hands and returned the cicada's carcass to the earth. As I touched the heat of the outside air, tears fell like drops of ice, staining the light gray concrete black. They continued to fall one after another, landing and soaking into the ground. When I let out a small sigh, the tears stopped, and while the concrete and the sound of the cicadas were sinking deep into the darkness, the sky remained there, just blue and high above.