Life Graph

Assignment from counseling
A 'Life Graph' to separate the present from the past

When I started writing... it was overflowing with painful things, so I stopped to avoid bullying myself. I started writing a 'Life Graph of Praise' separately from my 'Life Graph of Lamentations'
Even back then, when I was trying so hard, I achieved results in my own way
That's why I was able to endure the criticism, or rather, the opposition
When I start writing, complicated feelings get tangled up again, so I stop
It will be finished eventually
At this point, I will try to pour all my emotions into the life graph

Now that my panic attacks have subsided, I realize that my instability isn't about the past
I realized it's the anxiety of 'what if I have a panic attack again...' or 'what if my brain overheats again...'
I try sitting by the window, feeling the early summer breeze
The terror from back then is gone; I can live my life, I can rest whenever I want to rest, and I have a peaceful existence
I was able to think that it was 15 years ago... it's different from back then; all that remains is emptiness

The divorce due to domestic violence must have traumatized the children as well
My ex-husband used to call me 'that woman' to the children, and they went along with their father
Let that woman do it, tell that woman; even now, I might still be 'that woman' rather than 'mother'
It is difficult for children to understand such thoughts and psychology
I don't know if the parallel lines between parent and child will ever intersect, or if they will stay this way, so I won't think about it
Because I believe that is what they chose for themselves, and that is their own life

My feelings turn toward the past, and I feel like I'm being pulled into a suffocating, mild panic
No! I have to do something! I start hand-sewing, and my mind gets distracted
Even though I'm alone, I ended up making five coasters

In the darkness of the night, my feelings start to sink
I print out adult coloring pages on my PC, and when I start coloring, I can choose colors and paint without hesitation
The finished result is in 'early summer, fresh green hues.' I realize I miss the mountains

As the coloring pages become vibrant, I get the feeling that brightness is shining into my gray heart
When it finished with such cute colors, I realized I still possessed a world like this

I started calligraphy three years ago, and I've learned something
Through the brush, I get the feeling that the unconscious thoughts and worlds deep inside me are welling up
I realized that self-expression is not just about what you intentionally want to express, but about what lies deep within being projected onto the work through your hands and brush
Sometimes I have the feeling that an image of a work is descending upon me
It's an unconscious movement of the brain, but I think art stimulates and awakens the unconscious realm of human beings
(Frustratingly, I lack the skill to turn that into a work of art)

Taking morning and evening walks while leisurely gazing at distant mountains and wildflowers
Finding healing in coloring and making things that have no use
While doing these things, I am coming to terms with the emptiness and becoming more positive about completing the things I carry on my own
(In the end, I am still carrying them)

And, I want to go to the mountains!!

As I run my colored pencils across the page, I want to live the time I have left in vibrant color