After my mother passed away, I gained a new belief. It's called 'This world is just playing house'

It has been a while since my last post.
Hello.
How is everyone doing?

Last week, I went to Okinawa for my mother's third-year memorial service.

It was a small memorial service with only relatives.

I held it on a scale where I could be myself.

Now that there are no relatives left to say this or that, it was easy for me.

When my mother first passed away, we were leaning towards holding an advanced memorial service.

I live in Kanagawa, not Okinawa, so I thought if it would be a burden on my sister who lives in Okinawa, it would be fine to hold all subsequent memorial services in advance.

However, that was not my true feeling.

I had a desire to cherish cultural traditions.

My mother believed that memorial services were for the living.
If you adopt that way of thinking, you can view it as a ritual for those left behind to mourn and heal their grief.

On the other hand, I am someone who feels supported by the unseen world and various entities.

The understanding grew within me that it is not just for those left behind, but a 'ritual' that connects those who have departed to the other side with this side.

Above all, the desire to try doing it had been born.

Is it imprudent to say I want to try holding a memorial service?

But after my mother departed to the other side, a major change occurred in how I perceive the world.

In what way, you ask?

'This world is just playing house.' Haha.

When my mother, who was the center of the world for me and represented my laws and criteria for choices, passed away, I wondered, what on earth was she bound by?

The 'beliefs,' 'ways of thinking,' and 'laws' like 'you must do this' that bound my mother disappeared the moment she died.

For example, things like 'you must not trouble others,' 'be righteous with money,' 'you are only an adult if you can do your job,' 'do not rely on others,' and 'be pure and innocent.'

These 'ways of thinking' disappeared along with my mother.

The moment my mother disappeared, it disappeared along with her.

It wasn't just my mother; I had been bound by it too, but that bond vanished.

I was shocked, realizing, 'Oh, this wasn't an absolute truth after all!'

Ah, that was just a 'belief' my mother had adopted, thinking it was important. Of course, there were likely challenges inherited from our ancestors as well.

I realized that because my mother was so great to me, the 'beliefs' she held also felt great, and I had simply perceived them as being as significant as the truth of this world. I had been viewing them as 'the truth of this world'.

The fact that it disappeared along with my mother when she passed away meant it wasn't the truth of this world at all. It was nothing more than a challenge she was working on herself.

At that moment, I thought, 'Ah, life is just playing house after all.'

We decide on a 'role,' live out that 'role,' and experience and savor it.

Thinking that way, I felt as though I were being asked: 'How will you live out this game of house for the rest of your life?'

To live as I want to live,
to choose the role I want to choose.

I felt as though I were being asked: 'In a life lived that way, what is it that I want to experience?'

I'm still searching for what exactly that is, or perhaps I'm already doing it.

I've arrived at a basic way of living: to escape as much as possible from the 'theories' thought up by someone else about 'how things are usually done,' and to 'do what I want to do first.'

That leads to the feeling I mentioned at the beginning about wanting to hold a memorial service. (That was a long detour, wasn't it?)

Instead of giving up on holding the memorial service out of consideration for my sister,
I should just do it myself.

I wondered if my sister would be upset if I, the younger sister, went ahead with such an event. I thought about how I might be dragging her into a situation where she would have to worry about what our relatives think. But I still want to do it.

This is because I wanted to change my attitude of placing value only on visible things and belittling invisible things as if they were insignificant.

I thought it would also be a lesson in correcting that attitude.

If I were in a situation where someone was telling me to do this or that, I don't know what would have happened.

However, there are no such relatives now, and I am mostly surrounded by kind aunts and uncles. I think my mother had a hard time in her generation with many conflicting feelings.

My sister tends to be crushed by the burden of feeling that if you hold a memorial service, you have to do it properly.

I have inherited my mother's belief of 'presenting only what you wouldn't be ashamed to show others.' I still hold that belief, but at the same time, I have gained a new one: 'This world is just playing house.'

This new belief makes me feel more light-footed.

I even have a hunch that it might be able to rewrite other beliefs that bind me.

If 'this world is just playing house,' what role would you choose?

The role of a father?
The role of a mother?
The role of an older sister?
The role of the youngest child?

While playing that role, what kind of experiences do you want to have?
Until the moment life ends, you can enjoy that stage.

After the third-year memorial service is over, the next one is the seventh-year memorial. There will be a bit of a break.
I am still worried about my father and my heart is not at peace, but
now that I feel a little relieved, I am feeling the autumn breeze.

Well then,
until next time✨