The margins of those who work. The margins of those who rest.

Recently, I have been thinking about "margins."

The margins for those who are working and the margins for those who are resting might be a little different.

For those who are working, margins mean creating time to do nothing in the midst of a busy daily life.

Stepping away from work.

Stopping the mind that keeps on thinking, just for a moment.

I think that is what it is.

Then, what are the margins for those who are resting?

I am currently on medical leave.

If you look only at time, I have much more leeway than before.

I don't have to go to work.

There are days when I have no plans at all.

If that's the case, I should have plenty of margins.

But until recently, I don't think I was resting at all.

Even though my body was taking a break from work, my mind was constantly thinking about something.

What to do from now on.

How to rebuild my life.

Documents that need to be submitted.

Family matters.

Work-related problems.

Studies.

Activities I want to start in the future.

Whenever I had free time,

"I must use this time effectively."

I thought.

When I was lying down,

I must clean.

I must do the laundry.

I must make progress on at least one thing.

Such impatience would arise.

If I wasn't moving, I felt like I would lose my mind.

Thinking about it now, even though I took a break from work,

I don't think I stepped down at all from the role of

"I have to do it myself."

It was the same when I was working.

Even on my days off, I would worry about the workplace and sometimes go to check on it.

If I received a message, I would respond.

Even if I was resting, if there was something they didn't understand, they would contact me.

Even after I went on leave, I kept responding to those messages.

My family sometimes told me,

"That is something the company should do."

Now, I think they were right.

But back then, I thought,

They will be in trouble if I don't answer.

Things will stop if I don't do it.

I shouldn't ignore it when I'm the one who notices.

That is what I thought.

I couldn't delegate.

It wasn't just at the workplace.
Even at home, I was bad at delegating to others.

The other person says nothing.

They don't look like they are moving.

I don't know what they are thinking.

When that happens, I feel like I have to move.

I was always trying to fill someone's silence or the gaps in things.

However, even if I worked hard and kept moving,

"I am also struggling."

"Everyone is having a hard time, but they are doing their best."

I was sometimes told that.

Every time I heard those words,

I am not trying hard enough.

I must not rest.

It is still not enough.

I felt like I was being told that.

Even though I took a break from work,

Anxiety about my life and procedures continued.

A few days after being told they were waiting for my return, I was told about a major change regarding my life.

It was not a situation where I could rest with peace of mind.

Even though I was supposed to be resting,

I didn't know what would happen next.

If something happened, I had to deal with it myself.

That tension remained the whole time.

A while ago, I submitted documents for a major administrative procedure.

Just because I submitted the documents doesn't mean everything is over.

The procedures will continue in the future.

But I decided to step back a little from the front lines of dealing with it.

I will leave future interactions to the people who are supporting me.

I will only get involved when necessary.

If it becomes too painful, I can leave the seat midway.

I don't have to be there until the end.

I had that form of approach acknowledged.

Then, my feelings became a little easier.

The other day, I sat on the sofa and fell asleep just like that.

If it were the old me,

I must clean.

I must do the laundry.

Since I have this time, I must do something.

I think I would have thought that and forced my body to move.

But that day, I slept.

On the sofa, I just slept.

I did nothing.

I didn't tidy anything up.

I didn't move anything forward.

Even so, I didn't blame myself as much as before.

At that moment, I finally felt a little bit of

"resting."

I used to think that margins meant free time.

But perhaps that is not true.

Even if you have free time,

if you think you have to fill that time with something, it is not a margin.

Even if you are lying down,

if you keep carrying responsibility and anxiety in your head, it is not rest.

What people who are working need is

to create time to do nothing in the midst of busyness.

What people who are resting need is

not to fill their free time with tasks of achievement or recovery.

And,

it might be being able to think,

"I don't have to do it myself right now."

Delegating to someone.

Stepping down midway.

Not bearing responsibility until the end.

Not immediately denying yourself for doing nothing.

For me, margins

were not blanks in a schedule.

It is okay to be here even if I do nothing.

Even if something happens, I don't have to handle everything myself.

It might have been a safe place in my heart where I could think that way.

I am not yet resting enough.

My mind starts moving immediately.

If I think of something, I want to do it.

If I notice someone in trouble or a problem, I try to move.

Even so, a little more than before,

time has emerged where I can think,

"It is okay to do nothing today."

That time I was sleeping on the sofa.

I didn't produce anything, but

for me,

I think that was a margin that was born for the first time in a while.

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