Even Buddha Did It: My Story of Escaping a Cult and a 2,500-Year-Old Brainwashing Manual

1. "Hell is fine! I think I'll enjoy it!"

Beben.

"You're going to hell!"
"Hell is fine. I think I'll enjoy it just fine."

—This was my response about forty years ago to the words delivered to me over the course of eight hours by the branch leader of a certain new religious movement.

The absurdity of being told I would fall into hell.

Actually, the same thing was happening in India 2,500 years ago.

Isn't it surprising that the person behind it was none other than the Buddha himself?

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen...

2. Enter Kanda Nyodo—

The "Saundarananda" I bought the other day is a tear-jerker. Born as the Buddha's half-brother, this man is thrown into a vortex of tragedy.

Kanda-na:
How purr-plexing...

Nyodo:
In primitive Buddhism, a Buddha appears who is somewhat different from the Buddha that the average Japanese person imagines!
Rather than just a great person who attained enlightenment, the Buddha was a prince of the Shakya clan in India, with the strength of a hundred men, excellent in martial arts, possessing a fine character, married to a beautiful wife, and blessed with a cute son, living the best of times.

na:
Hmph, isn't he just what you'd call a winner in life!
I'm not interested.

Nyodo:
No, no, teacher, please listen! To his hardships and tragedies.

🍃 The scene of Buddha's Four Sights

The time was over 2,500 years ago.

Prince Siddhartha of Kapilavastu was a man who embodied status, honor, and all the glory of this world. He stepped out of the castle, full of promise and high spirits.

But, what's this!

Once he stepped outside, he found himself in a world of suffering, filled with cries of agony.

• Look ahead: An old man with a bent back, leaning on his staff, gasping for breath.

• Look to the right: A crowd of the impoverished, trembling with hunger, as if slurping up mud.

• Look to the left: The tragic sight of people collapsing from plague, groaning in agony.

• And then, looking back...: A black shadow named "Death" creeping up without a sound!

“Oh, what is this! Is this world not a cesspool of despair and pain on every side?”
The prince, cast down from the pinnacle of happiness into the abyss.

“What is the meaning of life, what is salvation!” he cried, finally casting off his magnificent robes and throwing himself onto the path of rigorous asceticism.

🥣 The Miracle of Milk Porridge at the End of Austerities

The training that followed was ferocious.
Fasting, breath control, and countless acts of severe penance. He tortured his body until the physique that had once been so muscular and golden-hued was a shadow of its former self.
Now, his appearance was...
Like a dried-up dead tree, or perhaps a skeleton in the mud.
His eyes were sunken, his ribs protruded, and he looked as if he would snap if the wind blew.
“This is the end...”
Just as the flame of his life was about to flicker out!
A young woman happened to pass by.
The daughter of the village head of Gaya, her name was Sujata!
Seeing his pitiful state, she gently offered him a golden bowl.
Inside was sweet, warm, and nourishing“milk porridge”.
One spoonful, then another.
The white drops passed down his throat, soaking into his withered body.
“Ah... I am alive. Is life, is the body, truly this precious...”
Siddhartha, who had clung to life at the edge of death.
This single bowl of milk porridge became the great first step toward his later “enlightenment”!

Clinging to life with a bowl of milk porridge, his eyes suddenly opened!

Tormenting the body does not open the mind.

Then, from here on, the path of meditation and dialogue.

Abandoning extremes, the journey of the Awakened One who teaches the Middle Way begins here!

Tsuna:
Hmm. Did you finally realize that you should just spend your time eating and sleeping?

Nyodo:
That's not it! I thought if the body was no good, I should train the mind!

Tsuna:
This guy is stubborn, meow.
Once he makes up his mind, he charges ahead like a wild boar, meow.
He should just live like me, eating, sleeping, and playing, meow.

Nyodo:
Hey teacher, you don't do anything but have those around you take care of you. Being royalty is actually quite difficult, you know.

And so, Buddha thought.
No matter how much I tortured my body, I couldn't reach enlightenment. If I can't reach enlightenment even after doing this until I'm near death, doesn't it mean I have to reach it through meditation and words?

Tsuna:
Does that mean you've abandoned the traditional asceticism?
You're a talent I'd even let join the ranks of cats, meow.
Though you do seem a bit too tense, meow...

Nyodo:
The Buddha said:
“Practitioners, listen well.
Think of the strings of a musical instrument.
If you stretch them too tight, they will snap and produce no sound.
On the other hand, if you loosen them too much, they will be limp and the melody will not resonate.”

“Too much is as bad as too little.”
You shouldn't suffer too much, and you shouldn't indulge too much.
This ‘just right’ balance, pulled taut, is the true path!

Tsuna:
That makes sense, meow!
Finally, even Buddha has awakened to the cat's way of life, meow!

Nyodo:
That's not it, Master.
He wasn't the kind of person who lived with such a carefree attitude, saying, 'The cat's way of life is the best!'

Now, as soon as his former fellow ascetics heard that the Buddha had partaken of milk porridge, they cursed him roundly and scoffed, saying, 'That man is a coward who gave up on his training,' and 'He is a fallen man.'

However, just look at what happened!
When the Buddha, who had attained enlightenment and grasped the truth, appeared before them with composure...

(Points sharply with a folding fan)

The golden light, divine enough to overflow from his eyes, his presence, and his very body!
The ascetics who had been mocking him lost their footing the moment they saw him, lost for words, and instinctively pressed their foreheads to the ground in prostration.

'This person is not the man we knew in the past... He is truly the Buddha!'

And since it is said that all of them joined as his disciples that very day, this is truly the charisma of the world's best!

Now, the Buddha, who had become such an 'awakened man,' makes a grand triumphal return to his hometown, Kapilavastu.
That is where the curtain rises on this story,
'Saundarananda',!

However, the protagonist of this story is not just the Buddha.
There is Nanda, the Buddha's half-brother, rumored to be the most handsome man in Kapilavastu.
And his wife, Sundari, a beauty of unparalleled grace.
The fate of this loving couple begins to change drastically in a surprising direction due to the Buddha's return, but...

Tsuna:
So that's finally connected to the book you were reading the other day.
It was so long that I fell asleep halfway through.

Nyodo:
Sorry about that, Master.
But I felt that if I didn't tell the story of the Buddha, it would be hard to understand the terror of this book.

The protagonist of this book, a man named Nanda.
He is the ancestor of our Kanda school.

Tsuna:
Hmm, there was such a guy, wasn't there.
I had a wild party with a man who looked like a dirty rag the other day.

Nyodo:
A dirty rag... Master, your tongue is as sharp as ever...
Well, never mind that.

This man named Nanda was a handsome man with a kind and gentle personality.
To put it negatively, he was easily swayed by those around him.
Unfortunately for him, because his half-brother, the Buddha, had renounced the world, he was inevitably made the heir to the throne and burdened with heavy responsibilities.
His only joy was that he was overflowing with happiness, anticipating his marriage to his beautiful wife.

It was from the moment the Buddha, who had renounced the world, returned to his hometown that the story of Nanda's glory and despair began...

Tsuna:
zzz...

Nyodo:
Master is asleep...

Beben!

Now, let's leave the sleeping master aside and continue our story.

Buddha, having visited Nanda, hands him his alms bowl.

Buddha: 'Nanda, take this...'
Nanda: 'Huh? Why...'

Then, Buddha heads straight for the temple without looking back.
Nanda chases after him, trying to return the bowl!
Buddha heads straight for the temple regardless!

Tsuna:
What a nail-biting dead heat!

Nyodo:
Master! Just in time! This is where it gets interesting!

Brother! Wait a moment, brother!
I can't accept this bowl!

While they were going back and forth like this, they ended up inside the temple.

And then... the man who couldn't refuse...
Nanda was forced into monkhood...

Tsuna:
Hey! What's wrong, Nyodo... are you crying?

Nyodo:
Yes...
How could I not cry...
I was moved to tears thinking of my own situation, reflecting on the suffering of Nanda, who was suddenly dragged away and forced into monkhood just when he was about to start his life with his beloved wife.

Actually, come to think of it, about 40 years ago...

Tsuna:
Were you also handed a chipped bowl and forced into monkhood?
But you have a wife and a beautiful daughter, don't you?

Nyodo:
Yes, that's right... that's exactly it...
It wasn't monkhood, though.
I'm holding onto the happiness I've grasped...
Master, this is just like when Nanda was made to hold the bowl. Before I knew it, my enrollment process was finished. The pushy sales of goodwill that you can't refuse. This is the first page of the brainwashing manual.

Tsuna:
Well, never mind your story.
Continue the story of Nanda's suffering!

Nyodo:
As you wish. I'll save my story for later...

While Nanda was having his dead heat with Buddha, his wife-to-be, Sundari, was waiting anxiously in their room.
She spent her time in agony, torn between her expectations for their new life and her worry about why Nanda hadn't returned.

Tsuna:
It's useless to think about it.
She should just eat and go to sleep...

Nyodo:
Well, humans have it pretty rough, don't they?

Around that time, Nanda had become a monk, but he kept telling everyone around him that he wanted to go home, that he wanted to return to his beloved wife!

Tsuna:
Well, that makes sense.
I also get wobbly when it's time to sleep and head back to my mom's place.

Nyodo:
Wait? Is the Master actually a cat!?

Tsuna:
I'm not!
It's just more convenient that way!
The real me is just a middle-aged guy wearing a cat suit!

Nyodo:
W-what!
So the Master is just a middle-aged guy like us...

I had a sneaking suspicion that might be the case, but let's move on with the story.

Against Nanda, who was throwing a tantrum about wanting to go home, the brainwashing known as preaching began.
And it wasn't just one person; a whole crowd of them ganged up on him.

“Sundari is young and beautiful now, but eventually she will grow old, wrinkled, and fat...
As for what's inside... (censored)”
“What a disgrace for a noble royal.”
“How pathetic to be attached to a woman.”

Tsuna:
You guys were born from women, too...
And talking about getting old and wrinkled... humans are such foolish creatures.

Nyodo:
That's right, Master!
They even went as far as to say that if he remained attached to his wife, he would eventually suffer the pain of separation!

Tsuna:
Choosing the pain of separation now over a future separation... go talk in your sleep!
It makes me yawn!

Nyodo:
However, the good-natured Nanda didn't think that far ahead,
“I want to see my wife...”
he just muttered vacantly with a dazed look in his eyes.

At that point, Buddha suddenly had an idea.

“This won't do! This guy is completely obsessed with a worldly beauty...”

If he sees a celestial maiden, he'll surely wake up!

It's a scene that seems to be playing out somewhere even today.
Like, 'I'll give you 10 million yen, so please transfer 1 million yen first...'

Taking the dazed Nanda with him, Buddha used his supernatural powers to zip away!
Nanda was brought to the heavenly realm.

Everything he saw and heard was absolutely wonderful!
What was even more wonderful was the dazzling beauty of the celestial maiden!
It was so beautiful that he didn't even know what he was looking at, and he completely forgot about his beloved wife on earth.
In the end, he was told that if he practiced hard, he could take the celestial maiden as his wife.
Hearing this, Nanda was overjoyed and dedicated himself to his training.

Tsuna:
He's so quick to change his mind, it's enough to make a cat look bad.

Nyodo:
Indeed, indeed!
That was how it was for me.
It was 'gold dust' during a prayer, or a 'diamond' with a certificate of authenticity. When you're shown things like that right in front of your eyes, the human brain just glitches.

And then, the Buddha says something even more terrifying.

Tsuna:
What's that?
You've had all sorts of strange experiences, haven't you!
So, what happened to Nanda?
The Buddha took him all the way to the heavenly realm and promised him a celestial maiden, so what did he say in the end?

Nyodo:
With the face of a Buddha...
'Nanda... the pleasures of the heavenly realm are not peaceful... as long as you are attached to carnal desire, you cannot escape suffering...'
(Therefore, there will be no marrying a celestial maiden...)

Tsuna:
What is he saying? This guy?
Even though he was the one who took him there?

Nyodo:
Now, now, Master, please don't get so worked up.

The Buddha must have been filled with the desire to save his half-brother from suffering... probably...
Wait? He was teaching him not to be attached to his beautiful wife, yet he showed him a celestial maiden to make him attached to that instead...
What a convenient expedient that is!

Tsuna:
Does that mean the eyes of the awakened man were clouded?
Was he still sleepy, perhaps?
Maybe he'll start saying that a cat's way of life is the best one after all?

3. 'Wait, this is exactly what I experienced'

Nyodo:
Please listen to my story for a moment here.

This was about forty years ago.

Back then, I was very enthusiastic about improving my physical constitution and practicing Qigong.
I was approached in front of the station.

'Would you like to try it out?'

They said, and held their hand in front of my forehead.

And then... it was there, this thing.
A sensation of heat, a tactile sensation. Even though their fingers weren't touching me, I could definitely feel it.

Tsuna:
Hmph. Was that the real deal?

Nyodo:
I thought it was!
It was exactly the same as the heat sensation from Qigong.
The moment I thought, 'This is the real thing,' my intellectual curiosity was ignited.

What is the mechanism behind this? I wanted to know.
I still practice Qigong even now. I use it in my work, and I believe it is real.
But, Master.
When that Qigong is used as a sideshow attraction, it really makes me angry.
It's the same as putting bait on a fishhook. The question of whether the bait is real and the question of the fishhook are two different things. That was the problem.

Tsuna:
That's the same as the guy who handed the bowl to Nanda, meow.

Nyodo:
Master, you're sharp! That's exactly how it was!

Nanda kept running while holding the bowl and realized he was inside the temple.
I was thinking, 'This is interesting, I want to know more,' and before I knew it, the initiation process was over.

The aggressive push of goodwill that you can't refuse. That's page one of the brainwashing manual.

Tsuna:
Ho ho. But knowing you, you didn't just become a believer that easily, did you?

Nyodo:
Yes. I wasn't looking for salvation from the start.
I didn't join out of faith, but out of curiosity about the mechanism.

That's why, somehow... I started to see the parts that didn't sit right with me.

And so, I told the branch manager, 'I'm quitting after all.'

Tsuna:
zzz...

Nyodo:
Master! Don't fall asleep! This is the interesting part where it contrasts with Nanda!

Beben!

Nanda went around telling everyone, 'I want to go home, I want to return to my wife,' and he was bombarded with sermons by a whole crowd of people.

In my case, it was like this.

First, a car shows up in front of my part-time job.
'Do you have a moment?'
I'm taken to the branch office without being given a choice.
A long, persistent lecture.
I go home.
They come again.
Another lecture.

Tsuna:
Isn't that the same as the group sermon given to Nanda, meow!

Nyodo:
Exactly!

Furthermore, the branch manager finally showed up in person.

Eight hours, Master.

For eight hours, I listened to them talk on and on.

Tsuna: Eight hours!? If it were me, I'd be in dreamland by the sixth hour, meow.

Nyodo: I think the master would be in dreamland by the second hour, though...

And finally, this is what I was told.

"You're going to hell!"

Tsuna: Goodness! That's the same as when Nanda was told, "You will suffer if you cling to your wife," meow! It's the kind of thing that binds you with fear of the future, meow!

Nyodo: That's exactly it! But, I was different from Nanda here.

Nanda was shown a heavenly maiden and ended up wandering off to diligently practice asceticism.

I wasn't shown any heavenly maiden.

How about that! Before I knew it, gold dust was scattering and dancing in the hair of the believers chanting prayers, and that glittering shine—was it the radiance of hypocrisy, or perhaps an illusion born of stretched-out greed!

"This is a miracle where the treasures of the heavenly realm have spilled into this world!" they declared with great excitement, but...

(Clap! Clap!)

"That's when I let them have it!

"So what! You claim a pebble on a tatami mat is proof of the heavenly realm? Don't make me laugh. If treasures are overflowing that much, why can't you save even one of the believers gasping for air right in front of you? Does your god give out gold but not mercy!"

Well, the branch manager wasn't amused.

Her arched eyebrows shot up, the traces of her beauty vanished, and her mouth twisted into the face of a Hannya demon, as if it were about to tear apart!

She was furious enough to pierce the heavens and looked ready to breathe fire, but I didn't back down a single step.

(Clap!)

I snorted with a laugh and tightened the straps of my sandals.

"They say even the affairs of hell depend on money, but it seems your hell is made of gold dust and pebbles. So long!"

Nanda was blinded by the women of the heavenly realm, but what I was seeking was, above all, the 'mechanisms' of this world.

Even if someone shows me a magic trick (gold dust), I just want to know the secret behind it; I have no desire to worship the magician. That’s where that opening line came from!

“Hell is fine. I think I could enjoy it there.”

Tsuna:
…You’ve got some nerve.

Nyodo:
And so, that is how I came to leave.

Nanda was led away by Buddha.
I left on my own.

That is the only difference, I suppose.

Four, meanwhile, Sundari was...

Nyodo:
I should mention that neither the branch manager nor the believers were bad people. In fact, they were good people. They genuinely wanted to save me.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, after all.
Buddha was the same, wasn't he? He wanted to save Nanda from suffering. That’s why he handed him the alms bowl. That’s why he took him to the heavenly realm.

Well, that’s exactly why it’s so troublesome.

Ba-bam.

The story goes that Nanda returned to earth from the heavenly realm and eventually attained enlightenment.
Buddha must have been satisfied.
However.
Sundari.
She was still waiting in her room that day.

Tsuna:
…
Nyodo:
…
Tsuna:
Whether modern brainwashing or ancient compassion is more of a hell, only this Buddha knows...

<Curtain> A voice mutters from somewhere in the audience.

“...Isn't the Saundarananda basically just a recruitment manual?”
“It’s the carrot and the stick, isn't it? The celestial maiden is the carrot, and hell is the stick.”
“So the tactics haven't changed in 2,500 years.”

For a while, no one said a word...

Postscript:
In writing this story, I’ve had some thoughts and feelings about the relationship between Buddhism and Zen. Could it be that Zen embodies true Buddhism?
Also, what is religion? As I’ve written before, I believe that for people to change, there must be influence. Even if that is brainwashing or propaganda, the essence remains the same... These are things I considered for this piece but couldn't fit in. I plan to write about them in TALES!
If I have the energy and stamina... for those interested, please take a look!
Phew. Finally, I can go around and visit everyone.
This time was tough. Since the theme is Buddha, I felt like I might get stoned if I wrote it too strangely... though saying Buddha is a psychopath is basically the same as asking to be stoned. But, I really think that might be the case, don't you?
Is the only decent philosophy of this kind Epicurus of Greece? I don't know about Christ himself... It was a theme that made me think about many things. Well then, until next time, everyone, take care!
See you next time at the regular Kanda Theater!

Kanda-Tsuna-sensei! Thank you for appearing again this time!
That was a nice retort!

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