[Parenting Essay] Is 'Wow, you're an amazing dad' really a compliment?

Hello, I'm Kiipikumin.
I am a father raising three children. I have an older son and twin daughters.
The twins were born prematurely last year and were hospitalized in the NICU.
Currently, I am on paternity leave and living a life centered around childcare with my wife.

"Wow, you're an amazing dad."

This is what people say to me regarding my involvement in raising the twins.
I've heard it many times since the twins were born last year.
Both when they were in the NICU and after they were discharged.

I know the people saying it don't mean any harm.
In fact, I know they are words of support and appreciation.

Even so, it bothers me a little.

Is a father being able to do childcare really such an "amazing thing"?

I believe that now, I am involved in childcare just as much as my wife.

During spring break, my wife and our eldest son went back to her parents' home for three nights.
During that time, I stayed home with the twins.

For those three nights, I was basically able to handle childcare on my own.

There was a lot to do, but it wasn't as difficult as I had imagined.

If anything, it was fun.
I got to see many different expressions from the twins and played with them a lot.
I also had time to face them calmly.

Perhaps the twins are just a relatively easy type to raise.
Even though they are four months old, they often sleep through the night and are bottle-fed.
I'm sure a few conditions overlapped.

Even so, I didn't feel like I was "doing something special."

I believe that most of childcare is something you can learn to do if you try.

Giving them a bottle.
Changing diapers.
Giving them a bath.

None of these require any special talent.

The reasons why a baby is crying,
as you spend more time with them,
you start to understand them somehow.

It's not that I could do it from the start,
but I just gradually learned it through the time I spent with them.

I am currently on a one-year paternity leave since the twins were born.

Because I had that time, my opportunities to be involved in childcare increased,
and as a result, the things I could do also increased.

If I didn't have this time,
I don't know if I would have been this involved.

Thinking about it, I feel that what should be praised is not my own effort,

but rather the environment that allows for paternity leave.

If you don't have the time, you can't get involved or get used to it.

Only when the environment is there does the room to "become able to do it" emerge.

I don't often see mothers being called "amazing" for doing the same things.

At least, I have never seen my wife being told that.

But when it's a father, it becomes "Wow, you're amazing."

I think there is surely
a premise that "fathers don't do that much."

That's why you get praised just for slightly exceeding that premise.

But from my own perspective,
I'm just doing what I should be doing as a parent,
and I don't intend to be doing anything special.

Of course, I wasn't able to do it from the start.

When my eldest son was born five years ago,
I wasn't able to be this involved.

I only took about two weeks of paternity leave,
and inevitably, my wife became the center of childcare.

Even if I could do individual things like changing diapers or bathing him,
I didn't understand "why he was fussy" or "what he wanted."

My wife understood our eldest son better.

I think that difference was the difference in the time we spent with him.

Last year, my twin daughters were born.
They were born prematurely at 25 weeks and were ultra-low birth weight infants at 700 grams.

The twins were hospitalized in the NICU,
and they required care that wasn't exactly standard, such as enemas and medication.

Even so, as I visited them repeatedly, I gradually became able to do it.

I didn't feel like I was doing anything special.
I just got used to it through the time I spent with them.

I think about it again.

I still feel uncomfortable being told "Wow, you're an amazing dad" for being able to do childcare.

I'm not doing anything special enough to be called "amazing,"
and I don't think it's that kind of thing.

I'm just involved as a parent.
That's all it is.

Instead of "Wow, you're amazing,"
I hope it becomes a world where I can be seen as just a parent.

Thank you for reading until the end.

In this article, I wrote about what I felt while being involved in childcare as a father.

I also keep records of my time in the NICU and my days with the twins.

If you'd like, please take a look at my other articles.