Even if there are things you can't do, my love for you remains the same. [Part 2]
In the first part, I talked about how deep love—the desire for your child to be happy—lies behind a parent's wish for them to be able to do things.
And also, that "being able to do something" and "being loved" are two different things.
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So, what should we do when our eyes are drawn to the things they "can't do"?
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I don't think there is any need to "try not to look at what they can't do."
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If there is something they can't do, it means the child is struggling with something there.
It is very important to notice those struggles and look for ways to help together.
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But there is one thing I want you to never forget.
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That is, "Do not let the things they can't do define their entire being."
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For example, when they "can't get dressed by themselves."
Instead of just thinking, "Why can't they do it?" try changing your perspective just a little bit.
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“What kind of clothes would this child not mind wearing?”
“Do they like choosing their own clothes?”
“If it's clothes they like, would they feel like trying a little bit?”
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Then, they might stop looking like a "child who can't get dressed" and start looking like a "child who is still exploring ways to do it with me."
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Homework is the same.
When you think, "They can't do their homework," before blaming them by asking, "Why won't you do it?" try thinking:
“What kind of problems are easier for them to tackle?”
“How far do they feel they can try?”
“If we combine it with something they like, could they try a little bit?”
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Then, what you see will change a little.
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Before trying to change the child, try changing the adult's perspective just a little bit.
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Just by doing that, you might start to see the "uniqueness of that child" that you hadn't noticed before.
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A child you thought was "restless" might actually be someone who can concentrate surprisingly well on things they love.
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A child you thought was "too particular" might actually be someone who can pursue one thing deeply.
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A child you thought "doesn't listen" might actually remember things surprisingly well if it's something they are interested in.
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Behind the struggles, there is often a strength hidden that only that child possesses.
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That is why I don't want to look at "what they can't do" and end it there.
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I want to see the "child themselves" who exists beyond that.
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The things they like. The things they get absorbed in. The things they do naturally. The moments they look happy. Their own unique way of doing things.
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Because in those things, there are important hints for the path they will take from here on.
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And one more thing. There is something I really want you to cherish.
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That is the words you use with your child.
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When they can't do something, if they are constantly told, "Why can't you do it?" the child might eventually start thinking like this:
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“I'm no good because I can't do it.”
“I'm a burden to my mother because I can't do it.”
“If I don't try harder, I won't be accepted.”
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That is precisely why I want you to put into words not just the results, but the姿 (figure/effort) the child showed you.
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“You tried until the end.”
“You thought about it yourself.”
“You felt frustrated, didn't you?”
“You tried to do it one more time.”
“You told me how you felt properly.”
“You were enjoying what you love.”
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And sometimes, simpler words are fine.
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“Even if there are things you can't do, my love for you remains the same.”
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Wouldn't these words provide great peace of mind for a child's heart?
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“It's okay if you can't do it.”
“It's okay if you fail.”
“It's okay to ask for help when you're in trouble.”
“You can just try again tomorrow.”
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Because there is a place where they can think that way, the child can try again.
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And these words are not just for the children.
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There are words I want to deliver to the fathers and mothers who are doing their best every day.
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“I have to be a better parent.”
“I have to help them be able to do more things.”
“Is the way I'm interacting with them bad?”
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There might be days when you blame yourself like that.
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But it's okay not to be a perfect parent.
It's okay to have days when you get angry.
It's okay to have days when you run out of patience.
It's okay to have days when you can't interact well.
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Today, you worried about your child.
Today, you found your child's smile.
Today, you thought, "Is this child okay?"
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In each of those things, there is a genuine feeling of caring for your child.
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So, please say this to yourself, too.
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“You did your best today, too.”
“It's okay not to be perfect.”
“Even if there are days when you can't do it, it doesn't mean your love disappears.”
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And to your child, too.
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“Even if there are things you can't do, my love for you remains the same.”
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A child does not become a valuable existence because they can do more things.
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From the time they were a baby who couldn't do anything. From the time they couldn't speak well. From the time they couldn't do anything alone.
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They have always been a precious existence.
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So, it's fine to wish for their growth. It's fine to be overjoyed when they can do more things.
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But at the same time, I want you to cherish "the now before they can do it."
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The face that was laughing today after finding something they liked. The figure of them being absorbed in their favorite play. The moment they leaned on the family. The smile they showed casually.
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Perhaps, it's just that we haven't called it "growth," but there might be a lot of growth there, too.
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Wishing for a child's growth and loving the child as they are now.
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These two are not things where you have to choose one or the other.
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It's fine to have both.
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“I want you to be able to do it.” It's fine to wish for that.
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But next to that wish, I want you to gently place another word.
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“I love you just as you are now, too.”
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Even if there are things you can't do, I love you.
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Even if you fail, I love you.
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Even if you are slow, I love you.
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Even if you are crying, even if you are angry, even if there are days when things don't go well, I love you.
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That sense of security will gradually take root in the child's heart.
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“I am okay just as I am.”
“I am okay even if I fail.”
“It's okay to ask for help when I'm in trouble.”
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Because they can think that way, I believe the child can take another step forward at their own pace.
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I want to be not just a "person who makes the child able to do things," but a person who can find the wonderful parts of that child together.
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If there is anyone right now who thinks, "I end up only noticing what they can't do," please try to find just one "wonderful" thing about your child today.
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The things they like. The things they are absorbed in. Their happy face. Their kindness. Their funny parts. Their unique way of doing things.
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It can be small. Just one is fine.
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“Come to think of it, I liked this about this child.”
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If you find one such moment, that is enough.
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Increasing what they can do is important. Reducing what they struggle with is important.
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But finding that child's "wonderful" qualities is just as important.
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While rejoicing in the child's growth together. While thinking about the child's struggles together. And while cherishing the child themselves just as they are.
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For parenting that makes you look forward to tomorrow a little more than today.
🌿
It's okay not to worry alone. When you're in trouble, let's think about it together anytime.