“Even if there are things you can't do, my love for you will never change.” [Part 1]
The day your child was born.
Surely many parents,
“As long as you grow up healthy, that’s enough.”
Perhaps you held that wish in your heart.
—
While holding those tiny hands,
“I hope this child spends every day with a smile.”
You might have thought something like that.
—
But,
once parenting begins,
little by little,
your wishes start to grow.
—
“I want them to be able to get dressed by themselves.”
“I want them to be able to play nicely with friends.”
“I want them to be able to sit still and listen.”
“I want them to be able to express their feelings in words.”
“I want them to be able to manage so they won't have trouble later.”
—
All of these,
I believe, are natural wishes for a parent.
—
Especially,
when you start to worry about your child's development,
the feeling of
“I want them to be able to do this”
can sometimes
become even stronger.
—
Things that other children can do,
are still difficult for your own child.
From preschool or school,
“It would be good if they could do a little more of this.”
You are told.
—
Then,
“I have to try harder.”
You might find yourself thinking.
—
Encouraging them to get dressed in the morning,
helping with meals,
checking that they haven't forgotten anything,
looking over homework,
practicing the things they couldn't do.
—
By the time the day ends,
parents are exhausted too.
—
Even so,
“I have to do more for them.”
You find yourself thinking.
—
In the midst of such days,
suddenly,
you might feel this way.
—
“I feel like I’m only looking at the things they can’t do.”
“Am I really looking at my child properly?”
“Am I a bad parent if I can't be happy unless they can do these things?”
—
If,
you have ever felt that way,
please, do not blame yourself.
—
Thinking
“I want them to be able to do this”
is not because you are rejecting your child.
—
Deep down,
“I don't want my child to struggle.”
“I want them to live as easily as possible.”
“I want them to spend every day smiling.”
These are
the expressions of a parent's love.
—
So,
it is okay to wish for your child's growth.
When they can do more things,
it is okay to be overjoyed.
If they couldn't do something yesterday,
but they did it today,
“That’s amazing!”
It is okay to celebrate that together.
—
But,
at the same time,
there is something I want you to remember.
—
That is,
“being able to do something” and
“being loved” are two different things.
—
Even if your child,
cannot get dressed by themselves.
Even if their homework doesn't progress.
Even if they can't play well with friends.
Even if they can't express their feelings well.
—
The value of that child,
does not become any smaller.
—
They are not precious
because they became able to do things.
—
And it is not that they are not precious
because they couldn't.
—
On days they can't do it,
that child is still that child.
—
On days they fail,
that child is still that child.
—
When they are crying.
When they are angry.
When things don't go their way.
—
They are still,
your precious child.
—
I,
in the field of developmental support,
have interacted with many children.
—
Children who show a happy face
the moment they become able to do something.
—
Children who look frustrated
because they couldn't do it well.
—
Children who find it difficult no matter how many times they try,
and say, “I won't do it anymore.”
—
Watching them,
I feel that a child's growth
cannot be measured
only by “can or cannot do.”
—
For example,
in a situation where they cried yesterday,
today they were able to endure it a little.
—
That too,
is an important growth for that child.
—
A child who usually
could not ask for help,
was able to say, “Help me.”
—
That too,
is a big step forward.
—
And,
above all, what is important is,
that “the now before they become able to do it”
is also a precious time for that child.
—
We,
tend to look at the future.
—
“I want them to be able to do it alone someday.”
“I want them to not have trouble someday.”
—
Of course,
wishing for that future is wonderful.
—
But,
if you try so hard for the future that you overlook
the child's “now” right in front of you,
—
it might be a little bit of a waste.
—
The face they made today
when they found something they liked and looked happy.
—
The way they were absorbed
in their favorite play.
—
The moment they leaned on their family.
—
The smile they suddenly showed.
—
The things they happily told you,
“Look!”
—
In the casual, everyday life,
those small moments.
—
There, too,
is important “growth.”
—
And,
there are also moments when you can think this:
—
“This child,
just as they are,
is precious.”
—
Wishing for your child's growth,
while loving the child as they are now.
—
Those two things,
are not things you have to choose between.
—
It is okay to have both.
—
“I want you to be able to do this.”
It is okay to wish for that.
—
“I want you to be able to live more easily.”
It is okay to wish for that.
—
And at the same time,
“Even if you can't do it,
I love you.”
It is okay to tell them that.
—
Rather,
I want you to tell them both.
—
Not,
“I will love you more when you can do it,”
but,
“Whether you can or cannot do it,
I love you.”
—
For a child,
there is surely no words more reassuring than that.
—
And,
those words,
might be necessary not only for the child,
but also for the parents themselves who are trying their best.
—
“Even if I can't do things perfectly,
it is okay for me to love this child.”
—
“Even if I didn't do well today,
I am still an important parent to this child.”
—
If parents themselves can start to forgive themselves like that,
parenting,
might become,
just a little bit,
gentler.
—
Just as you tell your child,
“It’s okay.”
—
Please tell yourself,
“It’s okay.”
—
You,
and your child,
are not beings whose value
is determined only by what you can do.
—
Even if there are things you can't do,
my love for you will never change.
—
Please,
do not forget that.
—
In the second part,
when your eyes are drawn to the “things they can't do,”
how can you once again,
look at that child's “wonderful qualities”?
—
And,
what kind of words should we deliver to our children?
—
Not just “parenting to make them able to do things,”
but “parenting that cherishes this child's now,”
about that,
I would like to think together with you.🌿