Escaping the Sense of Loss
Reading the room and saying what others want to hear,
nodding along to topics that aren't even interesting,
and keeping human relationships running smoothly.
I used to hate people like that,
but as I've gotten older, without even realizing it,
I have become the kind of person who prioritizes smoothness,
the very type I used to despise.
While smoothness is beneficial for social life,
if you place too much weight on it,
you start to feel emptiness and fatigue.
If that builds up, you lose your sense of self.
What is this emptiness, fatigue, and sense of loss?
I suspect it's not that I'm tired of social life or
relationships with others,
but rather that I feel empty and tired
from living a life where I pretend to be someone I'm not.
Building smooth relationships
is certainly not a bad thing,
but if you prioritize smoothness to the point of forcing yourself to fake it,
your heart gets worn down,
and you feel emptiness and fatigue.
As long as you are aware that you feel empty and tired
of the masked version of yourself,
you're still okay.
The most dangerous thing is getting used to the masked self
and no longer feeling that something is wrong.
If I were to become that kind of person,
from my perspective on life, it would be synonymous with death.
I don't want to go through life living while dead.
＊
With the development of the convenient tool called the internet,
our consciousness and actions are increasingly directed toward broadcasting and information.
Because convenience and pleasure are so easily obtained,
we lose sight of what is truly important in life,
and it becomes difficult to face ourselves.
And the internet steals so much of our life's time.
If you direct the majority of your time and consciousness outward,
I don't think you'll ever find true happiness.
I want to live by focusing my time and consciousness
more on the depths of my own heart.
Without being swept away by trivial information,
I want to live by directing my precious life time and heart's consciousness
toward myself.
I've started to feel that very strongly.
＊
You cannot change the world.
You cannot change others.
You cannot change the past.
This is by no means meant in a resigned or negative way,
but by flexibly changing the inside of my own heart,
I want to face myself more
and change how I see the world.
I want to face myself more
and become more tolerant of others' values.
I want to face myself more
and live with hope for the future.
I admire that way of living.
＊
In the great outdoors of an unfamiliar land,
if I were to face myself all alone,
what would I feel?
If I were to step out of the gears of society,
and distance myself from daily life, others, and the internet,
what would I feel?
True richness and happiness
might be found in nature.
True richness and happiness
might be found within myself.
Since I started volunteering,
my values have been changing significantly.
While thinking about such things, an intuition sprouted.
“Let's go to Mongolia.”
Why Mongolia?
There is no deep meaning or reason.
Why Mongolia?
It's just a spontaneous intuition.
In a foreign land where the language is unknown,
in a place where I can be alone in the great outdoors,
I felt a strong sense of expectation and hope for Mongolia.
What would happen if I paused my daily life
and threw myself into the great outdoors?
What would I think, and how would I feel?
I'm going on such an experimental solo trip to Mongolia.
While savoring nature and solitude,
I hope to encounter new environments and values,
and enjoy some luxurious, lonely time.
It would be great if I could be blessed with wonderful connections,
even while dealing with inconvenience and pain.
And it would be perfect if I could see a sky full of stars.
I'm going for 5 days starting this Wednesday.
See you later, Ciao!
[Postscript]
“Why Mongolia?”
I was asked that endlessly by people at work.
“Because I'm feeling tired, empty, and a sense of loss...”
That sounded like it would make things awkward,
so I lied through my teeth and said,
“I love Genghis Khan!”