Night 3: Why Parents Can't Wait - Choosing Support Series #3

“Let’s wait.”
“Let’s wait until they decide for themselves.”

These words,
I think, are very difficult for parents.


Because parents,
know what lies beyond,
their child’s failure.

An outing that didn’t go well.
A place where they had a panic attack.
Relationships that caused unpleasant feelings.
Experiences they couldn’t handle.

From past experience,
“If they choose that, they’ll fail.”
“It’s better not to do that.”
“This way will work better.”
They can just tell.

So, they stop them.
They decide for them instead.
Because when they do that,
both parent and child can stay calm.

I believe that is not control, but prediction,
and an act of trying to protect them.

There is another reason,
why parents cannot wait.

It is because,
they share the consequences of the failure.



If the child is in trouble, the parent is called.
If a problem occurs, the parent handles it.
If things don’t go well, it affects daily life.


From schools and support staff,
“Mother, what should we do?”
“Mother, what will be the goal?”
“Mother, is this okay?”
“Mother, Mother...!”

The reality is that mothers have to make decisions without even being sure if it’s the right thing to do.

As a result, they want to avoid failure based on numerous experiences.
It feels safer to prepare things in advance rather than waiting.
I think that is also very natural.

And one more thing.
“I want to be a good parent” feeling.


I want to raise them properly.
I don’t want them to be troubled.
I want to help them be able to do things.
The stronger that desire is, the more they want to intervene.

Because doing something for them brings peace of mind.

This, too,
I think is a natural emotion as a parent.

However, as I wrote in Night 1,
there are people who reach adulthood without being able to choose.


And as I wrote in Night 2,
“support that does things for them”
can sometimes reduce opportunities to choose.




That is precisely why, even when they know, they are conflicted.
Should I stop them?
Should I leave it to them?
Should I protect them?
Should I let them experience it?

They are also living their daily lives,
fighting against time in their busy days.
In the time away from their children,
they might plan out how they “want to be,” but actually executing that during the hectic times is truly difficult.

I believe that,
supporting parents is always contradictory.
I don’t want them to fail. But I want them to experience it.
I want to protect them. But I want them to be independent.
I want to help them. But I don’t want to help too much.
I feel like I am constantly swaying between these.

That is why I believe,
"It is okay to have days when you cannot wait."

It is okay not to leave everything to them.
It is okay to have days when you end up stepping in.

However,
I would like to pause a little
before "deciding everything for them."

Waiting is not the same as pushing someone away.

When no answer comes even after waiting,
we create small opportunities for them to choose together.
Things sometimes go well when they realize they have their own will.
Because I want to build that experience with them.

I believe that waiting is a way of saying,
"Your life belongs to you."

Here, I also ask myself:
Who was that choice really for?

Next time,
I will write about why supporters cannot wait.