Chapter 3⑨ Mental Breakdown While Searching for Myself!! ><

The basketball club ended in the summer, and my love life
also ended, so I was able to focus
only on my studies, and I passed the 20x
more difficult entrance exam for the local national
university, and was safely accepted!

My father and mother must have breathed
a sigh of relief.

But for me, this university acceptance was
one 'end of life' moment.

That is because I understood in my head
that this was the route to the 'ordinary happiness'
my parents envisioned: graduating from this university
in four years, getting a job at some company,
getting married someday, raising children...

The superficial me, who continued to be the 'good child'
that met my parents' expectations, had properly
delivered the results they wanted with university acceptance,
so my true inner voice was echoing,
'That's enough already!' and 'I'm done meeting
my parents' expectations!'
The inner energy I had been bottling up

was about to explode.
Following this path might be safe and secure,
but since it wasn't the choice I truly wanted,

university life was not fun at all,
and I couldn't picture an exciting future at all.

The social trends at the time, the common sense
considered the standard path for female university students,
was the wave of public opinion that the vast majority
of people followed; I understood this in my head,
but the rebellion and frustrated feelings inside me
continued to smolder and pile up in the darkness of my heart.

During my adolescence, I had absolutely no 'rebellious phase,'
and from childhood until entering university, I simply
walked the path of 'ordinary happiness' laid out by my parents,
convinced that 'this is the correct answer!'
I was stunned to realize that until I entered university,
my own will and free choices were non-existent.

This is because my high school friends
and peers were spreading their wings in big cities like Tokyo
or other distant cities, enjoying freedom, romance,
and living alone during their university lives.

Compared to that, I was commuting from my parents' home,
never once late or absent for university classes,
perfectly earning all my credits, and finished taking
all the credits required for graduation in two and a half years,
and it was just plain boring.

My parents, who paid for all my university tuition,
thought it was my duty to 'get good grades once I got in,'
and as expected, I naturally continued to be the 'good child'
even at university.
The boring economics lectures were for a department I chose

because it was 'versatile for the future,' and they weren't interesting,
but I became very deeply interested in psychology and social psychology,
which I chose just to earn credits.

After finishing classes, I used my spare time
to experience various part-time jobs, and I somehow
deceived the darkness in my heart with the joy of earning money.

Event staff, cram school instructor, private tutor,
Italian restaurant staff, etc. It seems that being from a local
high school and national university gave me quite a bit of credibility,
so I passed every interview I had, and I could do
as many well-paying part-time jobs as I wanted.
I thought I was enjoying myself by using the free money
and time I earned from working as much as I could

without leaving my parents' tax dependency.
The only way to vent my frustration so I wouldn't have to face
the explosion of the deep darkness in my heart
was through my part-time job hours and the money I earned.

In the education industry, where you teach people something,
if you give a little hint where they are stumbling,
it leads directly to the understanding of students who are trying desperately to learn.
When I conveyed the benefits of learning in a way that boosted their motivation

while believing in their growth, they produced results,
and I could share in that joy, so I found the education industry
very rewarding.
Even with an age gap, I could feel a heart-to-heart connection with students,
I was taught by teaching, and I felt I was spending a fun time

where I could feel a real sense of accomplishment, and as a result,
I felt that the education job, which also paid plenty of money,
suited my temperament.

During my university years, while holding onto the suffocating questions
and dark shadows in my heart, and while finding interest in my part-time jobs,
I also enjoyed romance on a superficial level
because I had more money to spend freely.
But deep in my heart, the suffocating thoughts increased day by day,
the dissatisfaction and resentment I had suppressed for years kept swirling,

and the circular thinking wouldn't leave my head.
'This isn't the life I want!'
'How do I want to live?'
'What exactly is my happiness?'

Those endless questions swirling in my heart,
and the way of life I thought of that differed from my parents' ideas,
always made me think, 'This shouldn't be the current me,' and I was always
feeling hazy and conflicted.
The gap between my true thoughts and reality kept smoldering
more and more in me as a university student, and it kept

deepening the darkness in my heart.

Even so, the time to enter society, called employment,
was definitely approaching right before my eyes.

#SelfIntroduction #UniversityStudent #CramSchoolInstructor #PrivateTutor #PartTimeJob #Romance #ParentsIdeal #WayOfLife #Happiness #Values #Rewarding #Heart #MyWayOfLife
#GoodChild #PartTimeJob #Deception #ParentsHope