What was more painful than school non-attendance was my own thinking | Parenting | Developmental differences | School non-attendance

― A story of a mother who almost broke trying to change her child ―


The day my child stopped going to school

Before I thought
“What should I do?”

I thought,

“Everyone else is going normally.”

What came to mind before worry
was society.

What will the teacher think?
How will I explain this to my parents?
What will I tell my mom friends?

More than my child's future,
I was afraid of the brand of
“a mother who isn't doing it right.”

At that time, the one who was breaking
was me, before my child.

More than my child's future,
I was swallowed up by
“I have to do it right.”

I couldn't stop adding things up

Ever since my son started missing school,
I kept searching for the cause of his non-attendance.

I thought it might be Orthostatic Dysregulation,
so I looked up hospitals too.

2:00 AM.

In a dark room,
only the light of my smartphone illuminated my face.

“School non-attendance future end”

I was a little scared of myself
typing in those words.

But I couldn't stop.


School non-attendance cause
Developmental differences support
Orthostatic Dysregulation improvement
Cannot wake up in the morning how to deal with it

My search history was filled with the same words.

I bought books,
watched videos,
read posts from experts,
and searched frantically for success stories.

“I want to find the right answer this time.”

I summarized them in a notebook,
drew lines,
and decided, “Let's try this.”

But when night came,
my anxiety actually increased.

It's not enough.
There must be something more.
Maybe my efforts aren't enough.

Before I knew it, I was
continuing to “add things up.”

Adding information,
adding effort,
adding self-reflection,
adding self-criticism.

And yet,
my peace of mind didn't increase at all.

What more could I add
to feel at ease...

The invisible pressure of being normal

What was painful
was not just that my child couldn't go to school.
“Everyone else is going.”

That fact

really cornered me.

Comparing myself to others,
I felt sad looking at my son who couldn't do it.

Every time I received a notice about a school event,
my chest would feel uneasy.

I was afraid of LINE notifications.

When I saw children in uniforms at the supermarket,
I would look away.

I never thought that being normal
would be this heavy.

Before I knew it, I had convinced myself that

Normal = Safe
Normal = Success
Falling out of normal = The end

Is it really the end

if you fall off the tracks?
Even though I know in my head that it's not,

my heart can't keep up.

Even so, in my own way,
I was desperate to understand the characteristics of his developmental differences.

“Maybe my parenting is bad.”

When night came and it was time for a bath or to go to sleep,
my self-denial would begin.

Was it because I scolded him too hard back then?
Was it because I didn't listen to him back then?
Was it too early to give him a smartphone?
Should I have let him be more spoiled?

I would replay the past over and over.

I would make events from years ago
the cause of today.

“Maybe my parenting is bad.”

Those words
definitely wore me down.

Outside, I would say “I'm fine”
and put on a smile.

But when I got home,
I would be exhausted.

I had true feelings I couldn't tell anyone.

If I weren't here,
maybe this child would have had it easier.

Honestly, there were nights I thought that.

Even though I wanted to protect him

I want to protect my child.

I truly thought so.

But when morning came,
I would start persuading my son.

“Why don't you try going for a little bit?”
“It's okay to go from the afternoon.”
“Are you okay with things as they are?”

I would line up logical arguments,

talk about the future,

and while saying “it's for your own good,”
I was desperately trying to move him.

My child's face was expressionless.

The air would turn cold.

While saying I wanted to protect him,
I might have been controlling him.

The day I collapsed

One morning, I exploded with frustration
at my son.

I said words
I shouldn't have said.

“Why are you like this?”
“Everyone else is trying their best.”
“Are you okay with things as they are?”

My child remained silent,

and because that silence was scary,
I would pile on even harsher words.

The moment I finished speaking,
I knew, “Oh, I said too much.”

But I couldn't take it back.

I felt like my child's silence
was judging me.

At night, I cried alone in regret.

Unfit to be a mother.

A reality where nothing is solved.

But what I was most afraid of

was the future
where this state might continue forever.

The day I stopped adding things up

One day, I suddenly
decided not to look anything up.

I didn't even know myself if I had let go of something
or if I was just acting tough.

Don't search.
Don't think about the future.
Don't look for the right answer.

Just spend the day.

The morning I said nothing to my child,

the heavy air remained the same.

But,

the impatience inside me was just a little bit less.

There was no dramatic change.

It's not like he became able to go to school.

But
the range of my emotional swings became smaller.

Maybe getting things in order
is what this is all about.

My son is my son,
I am me.
Maybe that's fine.
That thought crossed my mind.

What it means to find balance

It is not about becoming positive.

It is not about acquiring positive thinking.

It is not about changing your child.

It is not about eliminating anxiety entirely.

It is about creating a distance so you are not consumed.

It is not about adding,
but about subtracting.

It is about making space for your thoughts.

Just by doing that,
the way I see the world has changed a little.

Reality does not change immediately

I will be honest.

It is not that they were able to go back to school
right away.

The future did not suddenly become bright.

The anxiety is still there now.

But,

things that used to drag on all day
can now be recovered from in a few hours.

Words that used to explode out
can now be stopped with a single breath.

Just by that,
the atmosphere at home has softened.

There was a day when my child's expression
softened just a little.

It is not dramatic.

But it was certain.

If you are currently



reading this

and feeling unsettled in your heart

If you feel,

“I understand. But I feel like I might fall back into it,”

that is surely because

you, too, have been continuing to “add.”

There is an order to finding balance.

I made mistakes.

I took detours.

I repeated self-denial.

That is why I have learned something.

In this note,

✔ The real reason you cannot stop adding
✔ The first step to distancing yourself from anxiety
✔ Organizing your thoughts to step away from “normal”

is what I have written.

Just by reading this,
your breathing will become a little deeper.

You do not have to change right now.

But if your feelings become even a little lighter,
I would be happy.

keiko