Things I realized during a week when I couldn't shake off my fatigue no matter how much I slept

To start with a status update, the arrangements for the release of the book I've been preparing for so long are finally in place. All that's left is the review process.

I said I might be able to release it at the beginning of May, but before I knew it, it was already the end of May. It's late, but it's finally taking shape.

I was able to refresh myself with some 'dorm life' activities this weekend, so I'm doing well.

However, the weekdays this week were—a bit tough.

I really slept a lot. And yet, the fatigue didn't go away at all.

I felt lethargic, yet my eyes were wide open, and I was just staring blankly at the ceiling while in bed. My body felt tense somewhere the whole time, and I felt like, 'Ah, I'm still in combat mode.'

I spent the weekend vaguely reflecting on why I was so tired.

I think I figured out the cause.

This week, I acted as a facilitator for my main job. Including managing the icebreakers.

Honestly, I was doing it while thinking that it didn't suit me.

Thinking of a word to warm up the room, reading everyone's reactions, and creating the flow for the entire meeting. Even if there was no laughter, I managed to keep things moving and facilitate the session until the end. While I was doing it, I was thinking somewhere in my heart, 'Please, just let this end.'

There were many moments this week while at my main job where I felt like I wanted to run away.

In the past, I might have been able to brush it off by saying, 'Well, it's just work.' But this week, that feeling came through very clearly.

'Ah, I don't want to do this.'

It's completely different from when I'm writing.

On the other hand, the time I spent writing was completely different.

Introspecting, realizing things, and putting them into words. That time doesn't make me tired; instead, it feels like my energy is returning.

I think this is what it feels like to do something you truly want to do.

My main job and my writing. These two things were side-by-side in the same week.

The gap between them felt exceptionally large this week.

This isn't fatigue; it's friction heat.

I think it's something like this.

The true nature of the "fatigue that won't go away no matter how much I sleep" wasn't exhaustion, but friction heat.

When you stay in a place that doesn't suit you, your body says no. That signal was manifesting as a constant sense of lethargy.

If it were the old me, I wouldn't have been able to notice this feeling.

"It's tough, but it's my job." "If only I could do better."

I think I would have just suppressed those feelings and let them slide.

But now, I've become able to properly feel that "this isn't right."

As a result of continuing to journal, continuing to reflect, and being honest with my true feelings, my sensitivity has increased.

Being able to feel it as pain is proof that the numbness is wearing off.

I think that, while it may seem painful, it's actually a very important thing.

It's not that I want to run away, but that I've started to see where I want to head.

I don't want to be misunderstood, but this isn't a story about "wanting to run away because I hate my main job."

While I'm at my main job, I can act as a performer. I believe that compartmentalizing and thinking, "I will sincerely fulfill the role I can play right now," is also a respectable way to protect myself.

But at the same time, as I continue writing and reflecting, the place where I truly want to pour my passion has become clearly visible.

It's not the feeling of "wanting to run away," but "wanting to head toward."

I feel like that sensation gets a little stronger every time I feel that friction heat, like I did this week.

It's scary. But I'm also excited.

With a feeling of about half and half.

While holding onto that "half and half," I'm writing on note again today, putting it into words, and confirming the contours of myself little by little.

Have you ever had an experience like this?

Where your body says no first, and then later you realize, "Oh, I see."

If you'd like, please let me know. 😌