[HSP/INFJ] You no longer need to feel guilty about "losing friends."

"Let's get together for the first time in a while."

A notification pops up in the group LINE from my school days. Familiar names. It's not that I dislike them. On the contrary, they are precious friends with whom I once laughed together almost every day.

Even so, my fingers freeze. I can't answer "I'd love to" immediately. I mumble, "I'll check my schedule," and turn the screen face down. Then, a heavy, leaden thought surfaces in my mind.

"Ugh, what a hassle."

Every time I notice this feeling, I fall into self-loathing, thinking I must be a terribly cold-hearted person. Why does "socializing," which everyone else seems to enjoy so naturally, feel like such painful labor to me?

Today, I want to write about my own answer regarding the true nature of this "hassle."

I want to get closer, but I'm afraid when I do

My struggles with interpersonal relationships didn't just start recently. If I trace my memories back, I had that tendency since my first year of high school.

It was when I had my first partner. During a time when the world should have looked bright, within less than a week of dating, I was caught between intense "anxiety" and "fear." I'm afraid of them leaving. But I'm even more afraid of them getting closer and invading my personal space.

It's like stepping on the accelerator and the brake at the same time. The feeling of my heart burning out from that friction remains in my adult friendships, just in a different form.

The feeling of "I'm lonely, so I want to connect with someone" and the desperate desire to "be alone and soak in the silence." Swaying between these two contradictory truths, I end up choosing the option that consumes the least energy: "avoidance" (i.e., "it's a hassle").

Because conversation is an "exchange of energy"

For those of us with HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) or introverted temperaments, meeting someone is not just about sharing time. It means a massive "exchange of energy."

If I were to meet my old friends, I would unconsciously start simulating. "Will my current values align with their topics?" "Will I be able to give the reactions they expect?" "Will I end up playing the clown by reading the room?"

When I'm in crowds or groups, I absorb the emotions and noise around me like a sponge, becoming charged with negative energy. That's why I absolutely need time to sleep like the dead after getting home or to "discharge" by journaling alone.

I think feeling that it's a "hassle" is proof that my heart is"I can't take any more charge right now" or "my battery is running low,"and is sounding an alert.

Human relationships are fine as "charcoal fires"

When I was young, I thought that relationships that ignited in an instant like lighter fluid, or flashy connections like fireworks, were what 'friendship' was. That is why I was afraid of losing touch or growing apart.

However, while writing in my journal recently, I suddenly realized something. 'Isn't it fine for human relationships to be like charcoal—hard to light, but long-lasting once they catch fire?'

We don't need to be in constant contact. We don't need to monitor each other's status on social media. If we have one or two quiet, warm relationships where we can bridge a gap of several years in an instant when the moment arises, isn't that more than enough to be happy?

When I was able to think that way, the guilt I felt about my shrinking circle of friends simply vanished.

Loneliness is not 'isolation'

Right now, I am lonelier than I used to be. My schedule on days off is completely blank, and there are few notifications on LINE.

However, this is not 'isolation,' but something closer to a 'solitude' I have chosen for myself. It is a quiet time to protect and organize the person I am. Now that I have come to cherish that time, I strangely no longer feel the 'loneliness' I once did.

So, if you are also blaming yourself for finding social interaction 'troublesome,' please do not deny that feeling. It is not because you are cold-hearted. It is because you are a sensitive and thoughtful person who wishes to cherish the 'quiet' and 'sanctuary' within yourself above all else.

You don't have to force yourself to reply. You don't have to lie just to meet up with someone.

Because we can just live our lives slowly, like charcoal embers, at our own pace.