Was Marriage the Goal of Romance? — Byzantine Views on Love and Family —

If you were to ask a newlywed couple, "Why did you marry that person?" what kind of answer would you get?

"Because it's fun to be together."
"Because they are my type."
"Because our values align."
"Because they are kind."
"Because it provides financial security."

These are likely the answers many would give. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that.

However, if you asked the same question to a Byzantine person a thousand years ago, the answer might have been a little different.

For them, marriage was not simply "being with the person you love."

It was an event deeply connected to the very purpose of life itself.

"I love them, so I'll marry them" was not a sufficient reason.

In modern times, the idea of "marrying because you love someone" is perfectly natural.

But for the Byzantines, that alone was not enough of a reason to marry.

This is because marriage was not merely a matter of emotion, but a shared journey involving one's entire life.

Through marriage, a home is built, children are raised, and faith is passed on to the next generation.

In other words, marriage was not just an event for two people, but an important event involving the entire family and community.

What did Byzantines look for when choosing a marriage partner?

So, what did they prioritize?

Of course, family background and financial status were considered.

However, even more important than that was,
"Can I walk a good life with this person?"that was the question.

In modern terms, rather than looking for someone who "will make me happy," they were looking for someone with whom they could "live well together."

Are they sincere?
Are they trustworthy?
Are they prepared to build a home?
Can we share our faith?
Can we support each other when facing difficulties?

These were the things that were highly valued.

Marriage was about creating a "little church."

In the Eastern Church, there is a tradition of regarding the home as a "little church."

This is not merely a metaphor.

For the Byzantines, the home was not just a place to eat, sleep, and raise children, but also a place to pray together, grow together, and journey toward God together.

A married couple were not just housemates; they were partners sharing their lives before God.

Therefore, the wedding ceremony was not merely the signing of a contract, but was conducted as a sacred rite to receive God's blessing.

Love Was Not Just an Emotion

We modern people often think of love as an emotion.

Feeling affection. Wishing to spend time together. Being strongly drawn to another person's presence.

Of course, the Byzantines did not deny these things, but they did not consider them to be the entirety of love.

Rather,

Supporting the other person. Forgiving. Being patient. Wishing for the other's growth. Overcoming difficulties together.

They considered all such actions to be love.

Marriage Was a Community of Life

The Byzantines thought of marriage not as a system to guarantee happiness, but as a joint endeavor to walk through life together and cultivate one's character. The background to this way of thinking lies in the Byzantine worldview.

They viewed life not as a competition to achieve success, but as a journey to cultivate the soul.

Work, scholarship, family, and marriage were all parts of that journey.

That is why a marriage partner was chosen not as someone to entertain oneself, but as a companion to walk the journey with.

What the Byzantine View of Marriage Asks of Us

It would be unreasonable to suggest that modern people should think exactly like the Byzantines. Our eras, societies, and cultural backgrounds are vastly different.

However, their view of marriage serves as a mirror for us to re-examine our own values.

What do we look for in a marriage partner?

Is it someone who will make us happy?
Is it someone who meets our criteria?
Or is it someone with whom we can live a good life together?

Even in Constantinople a thousand years ago, people loved others, built families, and walked through life together. However, what they sought at the end of that journey seems to have been a little different from the happiness we envision today.

Source of opening illustration: Urban life in the Byzantine era. The left shows a wedding scene, and the right depicts a family gathering. Wikimedia Commons (Public Domain)

▼ Series: Learning How to Live from Byzantine Civilization
Part 2: "Living as a Byzantine"
#1: Why Did They Keep Reading the Classics? — What Education a Thousand Years Ago Asks of Us —
#2: Was Marriage the Goal of Romance? — Byzantine Views on Love and Family — (This Article)
*This series will continue.