💗 [Writing Techniques] I Tried Editing Hiro Taketani's Article [Note Strategy]

Greetings, everyone.

This article is a bit different from my usual ones.

I asked for articles to edit within my salon.
And someone actually volunteered.

There was someone who wanted me to edit their work.

Someone like me, that is.
It was salon member Hiro Taketani.

And below is the article before my edits.

Here is the article before my edits.

Since the article is a non-fiction story,
I edited it as a piece of fiction.

And from here on,
is what I edited.

My Turning Point

Looking back on my reflection,
it was participating in Mosaku Anchu's
project, the [Shimizu Cup].

The theme was 'My Turning Point'.
So, let's get right into it!

The turning point for me
was the death of a senior colleague at work.

That was, if I recall correctly...

The winter of 2012.

I was in Taiwan on a business trip
to launch large-scale equipment.

It was a time when all of Taiwan was bustling
with the year-end rush before the New Year.

Then, one day,
I received a call on my mobile from my boss...

Hmm? The department manager?

Why would a superior call
a subordinate like me?

Is there some kind of serious trouble?

Well, I guess it can't be helped...

I answered the phone, feeling nervous.

"Yes! This is Take."

"Manager! Good work!"

"Huh? I'm sorry.
The line is a bit faint..."

"Oh, yes. Wait, what? The senior colleague!?"

"What... why..."

"Ah, yes! I can hear you."

"Yes. I understand.
I will inform the other members."

"Yes. Then, excuse me."

Beep, beep, beep

...

No way

...

That can't be true

...

No, it's definitely a lie.

When I met them at the head office last month,
they were as loud as always

Laughing heartily and

joking around happily, but...

Why...

Why on earth...

It must be some kind of mistake.

Because...

*

*

*

That they would die.

They didn't even seem to be in poor health

and they were still young...

Oh, that's right!

Tell the members

...

But...

It's impossible.

It's a lie!

This can't be true...

This is strange

...

Haha, there must be some mistake...

That's it!

It might be an elaborate
prank.

Calm down.

This is Senior A we're talking about...

Hahaha.

That's right.

This could really be a prank.

Well, I'll check my email

and head to the site
after I calm down a bit.

On the desk in the makeshift break room
where materials and blueprints were scattered,

I opened my laptop.

Then I launched Outlook.

The receiving bar extended,
and there were 10 new emails.

There,

Huh?

What is this?

It says [Obituary].

Hey, hey, hey

...Hey...

What is this!

I stood there for a while, staring at the screen.

Then, a junior colleague called out to me from behind.

Did you see the email, Taketani-san? Senior A... passed away...

Yeah, I just got a call from the department manager too...

But Taketani-san. It's Senior A, right?

Because he spoke to me before my business trip, and he seemed perfectly fine.

Yeah, me too... I still don't really understand...

For now, let's all gather for a meeting.

Sorry, but could you let everyone know?

Understood...

But Taketani-san, your face is pale.

That day was the day we were supposed to deliver large-scale equipment to a client.

However, several people who were close to the senior decided to leave the site and return to Japan.

Since I was the coordinator, I decided to stay at the site.

Unfortunately, the delivered equipment malfunctioned, requiring major repairs.

After finishing all the follow-up work, I returned to Japan about a month later.

I was unable to attend the senior's funeral.

After that, I decided to go visit the grave by myself.

My senior's family home is deep in the mountains of Nagano.

It takes about 5 hours by car
from where I live.

I head toward the grave
relying on the car navigation system.

While driving, cheerful music
was playing on the radio.

At that moment, I felt inexplicably angry,
so I turned off the radio and drove in silence.

Even so, I felt a little lonely,
so I played music on my iPhone.

Asian Kung-Fu Generation's
"Kimi no Machi Made"
was playing on endless loop.

The only thing I heard occasionally
was the voice from the car navigation.

Other than that, only the sounds of the engine and air conditioner echoed.

Why am I
all alone in the deep mountains of Nagano...

Suddenly, tears began to stream down my face.

I exited at the nearest interchange to my senior's family home.

Following the car navigation,

I climbed the winding mountain road and saw a temple on a small hill.
Is that it...

"Is that it..."

I gradually approached the temple.

Upon arriving,

I parked the car in a parking lot
with space for five or six cars.

Then, I put the lighter, candles, and incense I bought before leaving,

along with white chrysanthemums, into a plastic bag
and headed toward the graveyard.

There were

many jet-black, mirror-finished gravestones lined up.

I have almost never visited a grave before.

I didn't know the proper etiquette, but

I drew water into a bucket near the entrance and carried it along with a ladle to the grave.

When I arrived at the grave,

I gazed at the gravestone for a while,

and then,

splash,

splash,

I poured the water I had drawn over it in a few turns to wash away the dust.

Then I offered flowers,

and lit a candle.

After that,

I took the incense out of a plastic bag, lit it with the candle flame, and offered it at the grave.

For a while,

I watched the smoke rising.

Suddenly, when I looked at the right side of the gravestone,

the date of my senior's passing was engraved there.

Ah, that's right.

So my senior really
passed away.

A month has passed since they died,
and it was the moment I finally realized it.

Tears welled up and overflowed from my eyes.

"It's too soon... Senior. It's just too soon..."

Even though I should be sad,

I realized that as the tears flowed,
I felt a sense of relief.

Why can't I stop these tears...

"Haha, what is this?
I can't stop. This is bad..."

I see.

They really did die after all.

They really are gone.

For some reason,
I felt like I had done something wrong,
and I hurriedly put my hands together in prayer.

In that moment,

something had definitely changed.

That day, at that moment,

I felt like I had become a completely different person.

I have to live properly for my senior's sake too...

I swore that in my heart.

Looking back now, that moment
was my turning point.

-The End-

Hey, you.
You're going to join my online salon, right?
It's only natural.

What, you don't want to? Fine then.

I-it's not like
I actually want
someone like you to join, you know.

If you join the salon,
you can read the following member-only articles (many are paid articles) for free.

That is all for this article.
Wishing you a wonderful Note life.

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