[Depression] You become free when you can say "NO."

When things aren't going well, sometimes doing the opposite of what you've been doing can make them work.

For example, you might be trying your best to be considerate of others and holding back, yet somehow you aren't well-received and aren't liked. However,
there are times when you speak your mind bluntly, and you are actually more accepted for it.

The world changes, doesn't it?

"Oh, so I can be accepted without having to play the 'nice person,' and it was okay to just be myself."
I discovered that.

"How much have I been forcing myself all this time? Good job, me. You worked hard. But all that forcing was mostly a waste. How silly. My old way of doing things looks so ridiculous now."

Playing the 'nice person' to gain people's favor was ultimately creating a separation between myself and those around me.

Realizing that, I stopped being the 'nice person'.

It seems that if you are a person who is easy for others to understand, even if you are a little selfish, you will still be loved by those who love you.

Only now have I finally become able to see things objectively and from a bird's-eye view, but it was a long road to get here.

Originally, I had various difficulties in interpersonal relationships, such as social anxiety.

Since I was a child, I was a gentle and sensitive empath, easily empathizing with TV dramas and shedding tears, and on top of that, I had a codependent relationship with my mother.

What this means is that both empaths and codependents have thin boundaries between themselves and others, and they easily merge with others.
Because I had no sense of self, I would become the version of me that you liked.

I was easily controlled by others, which caused various relationship troubles.
In interpersonal relationships, I had a feeling of being swallowed up and losing myself.

I was not good at separating myself or drawing a clear line.
I couldn't express my intentions, and I couldn't say "NO" at all.

It was actually quite recently that I was able to clearly distinguish between myself and others. It was 2016, when I started expressive arts therapy. That was eight years ago.

There is a body-focused course in the expressive arts training program, and after doing the body work, I was able to say NO for the first time.

Until then, even if I felt uncomfortable with something, I would just endure it and accept it, but after I changed, I stopped associating with people I didn't want to be with and stopped doing things I didn't want to do.

I no longer endure staying in unwanted relationships or environments.
I have become able to draw a clear line between myself and others.

It was an amazing change.

"It's the body. I tried a lot of trial and error, but approaching it from the body is faster than approaching it from psychology."

I awakened to the body, and by regaining my physical sensations, I was able to let go of the unnecessary style I had acquired as a child.

Being able to say "NO" has made me free.
It feels like there is an axis running through the center of my body, my sense of self has become clear, and I have come to believe that it is okay to be myself.

How refreshing it is to be able to say what I want to say.