To my 10-year-old self.

"Is your hand healed?"

The other day, I celebrated my birthday and turned twenty. It made me think about how 20 years have already passed since I was born. I thought 20-year-olds were more like adults. Now that I am one, I feel like I'm not an adult at all.

When my birthday arrived, something suddenly came to mind.

A letter. The sender was my 10-year-old self. The recipient was me at 20.

When I was in the fourth grade of elementary school, we held a half-coming-of-age ceremony as a school event. We expressed our gratitude to our parents for raising us every day and sang songs. During the preparations for that event, we all wrote letters to our future selves 10 years later.

Without even keeping that in a corner of my memory, eight years passed, and I became a university student. Since I live alone, the letter was obviously not with me, but was being kept at my parents' house.

Then, as my birthday approached, a friend from university said,
"I had my parents send me the letter I wrote when I was 10."

"Oh, I remember that. I wrote one too."

What did I write back then? Wondering about that, I looked forward to my birthday, and the time finally came to open it.

Since my parents didn't remember where they had stored it, they searched everywhere until they finally found it and opened it for me. The wrinkles caused by the Arabic Yamato liquid glue I used back then felt nostalgic.

"To me, 10 years from now."

After that title, what was written was,

"Is your hand healed?"

It was.

Due to a neonatal brain hemorrhage, I have had incomplete paralysis on the right side of my body since birth, and my right hand in particular is difficult to move. Because of that, I couldn't run fast since I was little, and I couldn't even make a peace sign with my right hand.

That was the first thing I wrote in a letter to my future self after spending 10 years living like that.

I must have thought it would be healed in 10 years.

Maybe I was hoping it would be healed in another 10 years. Maybe I was expecting that. You can do anything in 10 years. That's why I must have had expectations for my future self.

Of course, it didn't heal.

My teenage self spent my youth living with this disability.

Future dreams

While reading a letter, I found my future dreams written down. It seems that when I was in elementary school, I wanted to become a school teacher.

Looking back now, I have no such desire at all. I think school teachers have a lot of overtime and it seems tough with so much to do. The teachers at the junior high school I attended were so mentally exhausted that it was a common habit for them to say, 'Whatever you do, don't become a teacher.'

Not knowing that, my 10-year-old self back then seemed to admire teachers simply because I liked teaching others. I think that was a pure heart.

Now that I think about it, I do remember a time when I thought elementary school teachers were kind and that I would like to become an adult like them. The joy of teaching someone who doesn't understand and hearing them say, 'I get it!' I must have been happy about that.

Contrary to those thoughts, I am in the engineering department at university and I haven't taken any teaching certification courses. I haven't considered the career path of becoming a teacher at all.

In my first year of university, I had 19 classes even without taking teaching courses. If I had taken teaching courses, I would have had to go to school from morning until night every day.

'There's no way I'm taking teaching courses. It's too busy.'

Actually, I have friends who are taking teaching courses. I have an image of one person who was always at school during their first year. I have an image of a friend at another university who became busy with teaching courses from their second year, having 6th-period classes on Mondays and even going to school on Saturdays. They even said they were so busy they wanted more time to sleep. I really think they are admirable.

If I hadn't been able to let go of the path of becoming a teacher like I was back then, I probably would have had a similar schedule. Thinking about that, I believe that letting go of the dream of becoming a teacher and aiming for a different dream was a good choice that didn't make my own life miserable.

To my 10-year-old self.

The 'hope' that my right hand would heal and the 'dream' of becoming a teacher, which my 10-year-old self expected of my 20-year-old self, have both been lost. I feel sorry for that.

However, I have been able to change significantly over these past 10 years.

I worked hard at my studies, was able to get into university, and I study every day to conduct research in the field of medical engineering. My body hasn't healed, but I am one step away from being able to save many people by utilizing my experiences.

Also, I work as a cram school instructor for my part-time job. Although I couldn't become a school teacher, I am teaching children how to study.

I also teach elementary school students, and recently one of those students drew a picture for me, now that I am 20. I was happy.
I enjoy the daily changes as children gradually become able to do things they couldn't do before by taking their time.

And I have been able to meet many people at that part-time job.
People who give me advice when I'm struggling.
People who are truly smart but have had various failures in their research.
People whose voices carry so well that I can hear them no matter how far away their booth is.
People who are highly conscious of changing themselves, exercising, and having the motivation to improve their lifestyle.

When I think that because I worked hard at my studies and because I have this right hand as it is now, I am able to spend my days in this environment, I believe these past 10 years were the right ones.

To my 10-year-old self.

I'm sorry, my right hand didn't heal, and I didn't become a teacher. But I think these 10 years were more interesting than you imagined, and they were 10 years where my environment changed a lot.

In junior high school, I was separated from everyone from elementary school and had to rebuild my relationships from scratch, but I was able to make many irreplaceable friends by fully utilizing the 'ability to talk to people' that I had cultivated in hospitals since I was small.

In music class, you touched many instruments like the recorder and guitar, and each time you struggled, but with your natural perseverance and ability to break through difficult situations, you managed to get through it somehow.

In university, you will soon have an environment where you can leave your hometown and do plenty of research.

You probably never thought you would leave your hometown, but you are living a better life than you imagine.

At your part-time job, you were able to meet irreplaceable friends, and everyone is very kind to you.
Recently, I drank alcohol for the first time. This was also with friends from my part-time job. I seem to be the type whose face turns bright red and gets a headache, so I don't think I'm very strong.

My friends from work celebrated my birthday with a surprise I never expected, and they hang out with me a lot every day, so I hope this relationship lasts forever. They are people I can truly feel that way about.

I think these 10 years are quite different from what you imagine. But these 10 years will be a very good 10 years.

So, please enjoy your days freely with that right hand of yours. I am rooting for you.

From me, at 20 years old.

Thank you for reading!