Parks and cooking are no longer the 'same.' The 'brain mechanism for finding happiness in daily life' that a dad discovered

Hello to everyone struggling with childcare.
This is Katsumi.

A sunny holiday. After thinking, 'Well, where should we go?', we end up at 'the usual park'.

A rainy day. After thinking, 'Well, what should we do?', we end up with 'the usual indoor play'.

Cooking, crafts, and walks.

The children are laughing happily.

But, don't you sometimes hear a voice somewhere in your heart saying this?

'It's the same thing every day, is this really okay?'

'Shouldn't I really be letting them have more varied experiences?'

I myself have been troubled by this vague anxiety for a long time.

As the stormy days of solo parenting gradually became a routine and I was finally able to catch my breath, I suddenly realized that my days with my children were just a loop of 'parks, cooking, and crafts'.

This sense of 'being in a rut' and 'impatience' was the beginning of my worries.

The true nature of the 'trouble' I was carrying

'For the sake of the children and for my own well-being, I want to do something new!'

When I think that way, the first things that come to mind are extraordinary 'trips' or 'big events'.

There is a symbolic event where this 'impatience' turned into 'trouble'.

The other day, my family was watching a special feature on the Sagrada Familia on the TV show 'Hakase-chan'.

Then, the children were glued to the screen and started saying, 'I want to see the real thing!'

And I myself was genuinely moved, thinking, 'Indeed... this is amazing. I want to see it too.'

...But the moment I thought that, a realistic brake crossed my mind. (...Right?)

* The budget barrier: 'I'm trying to save money, is it really okay to spend this much...?'

* The effort barrier: 'Taking small children... just thinking about it makes me tired (sweat)'

* The effectiveness barrier: 'In the first place, won't memories from when they are this small fade away? Is there any point?'

* The expectation barrier: 'Even if I spend this much money and time, will we really enjoy it as much as I expect...?'

Even though both the children and I thought, 'I want to do this!', we can't carry it out.

The more I think about it, the more 'troublesome' it becomes, and in the end, I choose to 'do nothing'.

And then, at the 'usual park' again, I feel anxious, wondering, 'Is this really okay...?'

To break out of this loop, I decided to seriously dig into the 'why' of what 'investment for happiness' actually is.

[Theory Section] Why do we 'feel anxious' while seeking 'happiness'?

There was a proper reason in the brain's mechanism for why we get bored with daily life, yet are afraid of new challenges.

1. Why do we get bored with the 'usual park'? (Hedonic Adaptation)

The answer is Hedonic Adaptation.

It's a bit of a difficult term, but it refers to the brain's property of 'getting used to things quickly'.

No matter how happy something is (marriage, a promotion, or even the 'joy of having a child!'), once it becomes part of daily life, the brain stops feeling the stimulation, and the level of happiness returns to its baseline.

Getting bored with the 'usual park' isn't your fault; it was just the brain's 'specifications'.

And this isn't limited to the 'usual park'.

Even for a big trip like to the 'Sagrada Familia' that I (and the children) wished so much to see, if we were able to go many times a year, that excitement would certainly fade. The brain always 'gets used to' even the strongest stimulation.

→ In other words, being in a rut is not a 'bad thing' but a 'brain specification.' The first step is not to blame yourself.

2. Why is 'elation' alone not enough? (Two types of happiness)

The answer is that there are two types of happiness.

1. Hedonic well-being:

Short-term exhilaration like 'This is fun!' or 'This is delicious!' (e.g., while on a trip).

2. Eudaimonic well-being:

A lasting sense of satisfaction that gradually takes effect, such as 'This is meaningful,' 'I was able to grow,' or 'I can do this.'

We tend to seek only the exhilaration of type 1, like a 'trip,' but it is said that what truly supports our lives is type 2, 'Eudaimonic well-being.'

→ The exhilaration of 'This is fun!' and the sense of accomplishment of 'I did it!' During child-rearing, the key is how to create the latter, 'sense of accomplishment.'

3. Why does a 'trip' lead to 'Eudaimonic well-being'? (The just-right challenge)

The answer is that it is a 'just-right challenge.'

The 'usual park' is a predictable and safe 'comfort zone.'

On the other hand, a 'trip' is a challenge accompanied by 'unpredictability = a little anxiety,' such as 'What if the child gets a fever?' or 'What if they make a scene on the plane?'

In psychology, this corresponds to the 'just-right challenge zone' (also called the stretch zone), which lies between the too-easy 'comfort zone' and the too-difficult 'panic zone.'

The brain feels that 'challenges' are a hassle, but interestingly, type 2 'Eudaimonic well-being (sense of accomplishment)' can only be obtained in this zone.

The combination of 'novelty (curiosity)'—the feeling we had when we thought 'I want to see the Sagrada Familia'—and 'a little anxiety'—the worry of 'will we get there safely?'—was the 'golden ratio' of a happy experience.

→ Just 'the usual park (safety)' is not enough, and just 'overseas travel (anxiety)' is not enough. The key was how to mix 'small anxieties (= challenges)' into daily life.

4. What can we do? (Intentional action)

The answer is to focus on 'intentional actions' that you can control.

There is research stating that 'happiness is greatly influenced by genetic factors, such as one's innate temperament.' (Some theories suggest this influence is as high as 50%.)

However, there is hope. We know that a large portion of the remainder of our happiness can be changed through our 'intentional actions.' (Environmental factors also have an influence.)

→ Perhaps our 'impatience' was actually a sense of confusion about how to use this 'part that we can change ourselves.'

[Practical Application] From 'Theory' to 'My Personal Experience'

Now, that covers the scientific 'theories' and 'tips.'

From here on, this will be the 'personal experience' part, where I explain how I interpreted these tips and incorporated them into my 'daily life.'

Solution: The concept of a 'Happiness Portfolio'

How should we allocate our 'intentional actions'?

So, I decided to apply the concept of a 'financial investment' portfolio to 'happiness.'

* Stable assets: The foundation of daily happiness. (Cash and deposits)

* Risk assets: Extraordinary challenges and a sense of accomplishment. (Stocks and investments)

Instead of going all-in on the risk asset of 'excitement (travel)' and burning out, I realized the optimal solution for those of us feeling 'reluctance' while raising children is to build up 'daily stable assets' while incorporating small 'challenges.'

I realized that this is the optimal solution for us who feel 'reluctance' while raising children.

[Diagnosis] What is your 'child-rearing stage'?

First, why not diagnose your own 'state of mind'?

Don't push yourself too hard. Which of these is closest to what you need most right now?

A. 'I just want some rest'

(Sleep, nutrition, time alone. Safety where nothing else happens)

B. 'Daily life has stabilized, but "I" have been left behind.'

(A sense of routine, a sense of isolation from society. I want stimulation other than being a "Dad".)

C. 'I want to take on the next step for both childcare and "myself".'

(I want to make use of my childcare experience, learn new things, and contribute to society.)

Optimal 'Happiness Portfolio' by Stage

I propose a 'wealth allocation' of happiness tailored to your stage.

(By the way, I realized that I myself have come through the storm of solo parenting and am in 'Stage B'.)

A. Stage 1: Survival Phase (Exhaustion/Recovery Stage)

* Diagnosis: Childcare itself is beyond capacity.

* Strategy: Reduce 'challenges' to zero and go all-in on 'recovery'.

* [Portfolio: Recovery 90% / Planning 10% / Challenge 0%]

* Stable Assets (90%): Above all, 'recovery' and 'self-acceptance'.

Forgive yourself by saying, 'I survived today. 100 points.'

* Middle-Risk Assets (10%): Planning for small 'rewards'.

The 'anticipation' of 'eating that ice cream once the kids are asleep' is the only thing keeping you going.

* High-Risk Assets (0%): Additional challenges are 'strictly prohibited'.

Intentionally reduce 'should-do' studies and new challenges to zero. Now is the time to endure!

B. Stage 2: Stability/Recovery Phase ('My' Recovery Stage)

* Diagnosis: This is where I am currently. Childcare has become routine, and I am feeling the monotony and the isolation of 'myself'.

* Strategy: Intentionally shift the focus of 'challenge' from 'child-rearing' to 'myself' and begin rehabilitation.

* [Portfolio: 50% Stability, 30% Planning, 20% Challenge]

* Stable Assets (50%): The balance between child-rearing and myself.

Increase sensitivity to happiness with a 'sharing good things' session before bed. (Details to follow)

* Medium-Risk Assets (30%): Plans for 'myself'.

* Write 'go to a cafe alone' in the calendar.

* And here, I incorporate 'travel.' Even though we get used to things due to 'hedonic adaptation,' I still want to 'travel'! So, even if the Sagrada Familia is impossible, I decided to 'go on a domestic trip once every six months.' The 'six-month plan' for that becomes the best medium-term pleasure (anticipation).

* High-Risk Assets (20%): Small challenges for 'myself'.

* This is the 'daily adventure' I practiced.

* Expensive trips (big challenges) are still a hassle. So, I brought a 'small anxiety (stretch zone)'—like 'letting the kids handle it'—into the comfort zone of 'everyday cooking' or 'everyday shopping.'

C. Stage 3: Challenge/Contribution Phase (Self-Actualization Stage)

* Diagnosis: Energy is full, and I want to apply my child-rearing experience to the next step.

* Strategy: Turn child-rearing experience into 'contribution' and use larger 'challenges' as an engine.

* [Portfolio: 40% Stability, 30% Planning, 30% Challenge]

* Medium-Risk Assets (30%): 'Next plans' with the family.

Plan the travel started in Stage B with the whole family, including 'slightly anxious' elements (e.g., camping for the first time).

* High-Risk Assets (30%): Challenges for 'contribution (gifts)'.

* Share your experience of struggling in Stages A and B on note as a 'gift' to 'people who are currently struggling.'

* 'Contribution' to others is the pinnacle of 'realized happiness.'

【My Conclusion】 The story of how 'everyday life' became the best 'place for challenges'

The 'small daily challenges' I (Stage B) started when I felt 'bothered' and 'stuck in a rut'.

It was just a matter of changing my 'consciousness' in this way.

1. 'Cooking': Turning Dad's anxiety into 'trust'

* My old self:

I would decide on my own not to let them do it, saying 'I don't want it to get messy' or 'It's too early'.

* My current self:

I decided, 'If they can follow the minimum rules, I'll leave it to them'.

* 'Do you want to try cracking an egg?' 'Sure, if it falls on the floor, Dad will wipe it up!'

* 'Do you want to mix the flour?' 'OK, it's fine if a little bit spills!'

The children's eyes sparkled as they got covered in flour, and they mixed the eggs with pride.

What I needed to do wasn't to do things perfectly, but to show 'trust'.

2. 'Shopping': Turning 'tasks' into 'missions (play)'

* My old self:

Shopping at the supermarket was a 'task' I wanted to finish quickly. The children saying 'Buy that!' or wandering around was 'stress'.

* My current self:

I turned 'shopping' itself into an 'extension of play'.

* Before we go, we make a 'shopping list' with the children. (Children who can't write draw pictures of carrots)

* We think about the store map together, asking 'Which route should we take today?'

* I appoint them a role (mission), saying 'Alright, you are in charge of picking today's lettuce!'

It was the moment a boring 'task' turned into a 'mission' for parent and child to enjoy together.

3. "Before bed": Turning "scolding time" into "empathy time"

* Me in the past:

A time when I tended to get frustrated, saying, "Go to sleep already!"

* Me now:

Before bath time or bedtime, we have a "sharing session of good things."

* "Dad, I'm going to share what was fun today!" "What were the two of you's fun moments?"

* "Was there anything today that made you feel grateful?"

Since I started this, I was struck when I was told, "Dad, today was fun!"

Rather than worrying about expensive "future" trips (memories), it's about accumulating the "sensation" that children feel "trusted" and "able to take on challenges" in "this very moment."

That is the ultimate, cost-free investment in "realized happiness (= self-efficacy, confidence)."

The "usual park" or "usual kitchen" can turn into the best "stretch zone (place for challenge)" with just a shift in your consciousness.

Conclusion: Your "worries" will become a "gift"

As I write this article, my "why" is

quietly shifting from a personal worry of "wanting to break out of the rut of parenting"

to a "contribution" of

"hoping this process of realization can help someone who is struggling just as I once was."

Your "worries" and "anxieties" will also surely become a "gift" that illuminates someone else someday.

I hope this article serves as a small hint to turn your "reluctance" into "excitement."

Why not start by reviewing your "happiness portfolio" from your "usual daily life"?

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