My Second Son's High School Entrance Exam 1: A Record of School Non-Attendance

I had been misunderstanding things until this very moment.
My image of my second son was
that of a kind-hearted, gentle 'thing to be protected'.

Since he is my child, there are naturally things I should protect,
but perhaps I had just been assuming he was 'weak' on my own.

These past few weeks have been a time of realizing such an important thing.

A self that cannot try hard

Ever since he became unable to go to school, my second son
has been making timid remarks about everything.

Seeing his friends or his older brother lately,
my second son would say, 'That's amazing,' or 'You're working hard,'
always sounding somewhat lonely.

It was as if he were saying,
'I am not working hard,'
'I have nothing I am good at.'

He was someone who embodied 'working hard' by suppressing his own feelings and being a cheerful, energetic version of himself.
So now,

being unable to do that = not working hardis likely the feeling he has.

Like my eldest son, he is probably earnest at heart.
If he doesn't meet his own standards for 'working hard,' he cannot accept himself.

During the period when our home was a battlefield every day,
I noticed that my second son was desperately trying to smile.

If I had had the composure back then to say, 'Thank you. You don't have to push yourself,'
my second son might not have had to suffer this much now.

In truth, I should have told him persistently at an even earlier stage.

I don't think this regret will ever disappear.
No matter how far I go, it's all just 'what ifs'.

Difficult days

My second son decided to take the entrance exam for a correspondence high school.
There was a school he himself felt he wanted to attend.
(A school-attendance course at a correspondence high school)

It was quite difficult until he decided.
Despite saying he wanted to go to high school, he couldn't get moving.

I steeled myself to stay close to my second son.
No matter how grumpy he became,
I would wait for him to look forward.

I must support him!
I will support him while keeping a proper distance and offering proper words!
But I don't want to put pressure or burden on him.
I don't want to hurt my second son, who is still healing and underestimating himself,
any further.
But I also have the desire for him to stand on his own two feet.

While my feelings were a complex mix,
I tried to appear as calm as possible.
For me, the days of difficult choices continued.

The idea that he was weak was a misunderstanding.

One day, when I returned home from work,
my second son was writing an essay he had been avoiding for so long.
It was practice for the assignment that would likely be given during his actual high school entrance exam.

The title was
"What I Want to Work Hard at in High School"

From the perspective of an adult or other examinees,
they would probably think it's a simple task.

However, to write this,
he had to face his own heart.
Furthermore, he had to imagine himself
in the not-too-distant future.

For children who were unable to spend their middle school years as they had hoped,
I think this kind of theme is actually far more difficult to write about
than we imagine.

He had been writing that alone during the day.
(Though he didn't show me the details.)

My second son said, looking a bit shy,
"I thought I'd give it a try..."

The next day, he was solving past Japanese language exam questions.
With his older brother helping him, it was a home tutor session for the first time in a while.
The fact that my second son decided to solve them himself,
my eldest son also seems secretly surprised and happy.

My second son's true feelings have started to become visible little by little.

That was it.
When my second son decides to "do it" and is fully committed, he is incredibly strong.
Why did I forget such an important thing until now?

He was the child who went to school every day in the school group even though his brother was not attending school.
He was the child who desperately kept trying to be cheerful inside a home that was like a raging storm.
He was the child who always kept saying "I'm fine!" even when he felt unwell.
He was the child who kept encouraging me and making me laugh.

My second son kept saying, "I hate studying!"
But he has continued with programming and English conversation.
Thinking about it now, rather than "hating study,"
the closed space where studying is forced in a classroomwas just tough for him.
(Well, he seems to hate social studies and math, though (lol))

My second son was not a weak child at all.
Rather, his willpower is surprisingly strong.

It was just that various conditions and environments overlapped,
and it hadn't been activated.

My second son gathered his courage and flipped the switch.
With his own hands.

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NPO Kozue no Tsubomi
is hosting a 'School Non-Attendance Discussion Group'🍀