🌱 School Non-Attendance: Parent and Child Have Different Challenges - Self-Other Differentiation
When an unexpected event occurs, such as "my child cannot go to school,"
it is only natural for a parent to feel troubled.
I believe this is completely understandable.
Why is this happening?
What is the cause?
What did I do wrong?
The more you think about it, the more you go around in circles.
Frustration builds in a situation where there are no answers,
and sometimes feelings of "anger" can arise, can't they...
I would like to delve a little deeper into the content
I posted on X a little while ago.
とても難しいことですが・・・
— カオラ@親も子も自分を生きよう (@kaora2314) June 14, 2024
子供が学校に行かないことに対する
自分の「怒り」の本質はどこ？
厳しく辛いことだけど
細かく分解して考えてみましょう。
大事なのは「自他分離」
◇◇◇◇◇
・行くと言ったのに行かない
⇒子に約束を破られたことによる
自分の悔しさや悲しさでは？…
What is the essence of your anger?
If your child is visibly unwell, you are naturally worried,
and you think, "I have to take them to the hospital right away!"
don't you?
If they were in nursery school or kindergarten, they wouldn't be accepted,
and you would get a call to pick them up. (This is also tough, though.)
However, if your child has no fever, no cough,
and can even eat their meals as usual,
but still cannot go to school,
how do you feel about that?
They might have been going to school happily until then,
and perhaps they never missed a day.
Since a child who went to school every morning as a matter of course
is no longer doing so, you are surprised and worried.
However,
if that state does not improve after some time,
or if they keep saying they will "go" but end up not going,
you might feel irritated because you don't know the reason,
or you might even feel anger, wondering "why won't they go?"
isn't that right?
...Where does the essence of that "anger" of yours
actually lie?
It might be a bit painful to dig deep into this.
If you are already in such a distressed state
that you cannot even accept the text up to this point,
it might be better not to read any further for now.
If you feel you can think about it a little calmly,
I would be happy if you could read it with a relaxed mind.
Self-Other Differentiation
In order to grasp your own emotions calmly,
it can be helpful to break them down into smaller parts.
And what is importantis the concept of "self-other differentiation."Let's think calmly about whether this is a challenge the other person is facing
or a problem of your own.
■ The child said they would "go to school," but they didn't go after all
☞ Who is actually feeling frustrated and sad because they couldn't go?
Didn't you end up having expectations for the child who said they would "go"?
Isn't it your own frustration and sadness at having a "promise broken"?
■ I hate having to call in absences almost every day
☞ The child is always playing, and no one in the family helps.
Are you feeling like you are the only one apologizing every day,
and feeling like you have no place to stand?
■ The child is just lounging around all the time, or only watching games and videos
⇒ Even though I am so anxious and having such a hard time, it looks like the child is playing.
I am the only one desperate, and it feels like the person involved doesn't see it as their own problem,
so you can't accept it, right?
■ They don't study at all at home
⇒ It's natural for children to study at school, but they don't study at all.
You worry about what will happen to their future, right?
But ultimately, the one who will be in trouble is not you, but the child.
It is the child's own challenge.
■ They used to have such good grades...
⇒ Perhaps your child's good grades were your pride and joy.
But the one who worked hard at studying and got good grades
was not you, but the child themselves.
The child is not studying for your pride.
■ Being asked, "How is your child doing lately?"
⇒ Perhaps the feeling that you don't want people to think it's your fault that your child stopped going to school,
or that you don't want to be thought of as having failed at parenting,
is coming to the forefront.
The examples I listed here are ones I actually fell into myself.
This period lasted quite a long time,
and of course, these thoughts still cross my mind even now.
Isn't that just a natural reaction for a parent?
I am not denying at all that you might think this way.
However, if you remain trapped in this for a long time,
I think you will only end up making yourself suffer more.
A parent's challenges and a child's challenges are different.
It's painful, and when you're upset, things become chaotic, don't they?
Sometimes children's anger is directed at their parents,
and there are many times when they become rebellious toward parental advice.
There is surely a reason of their own for the children's behavior.
But because they cannot verbalize it well,
from a parent's perspective, it often just looks like they are playing.
That happens a lot, doesn't it?
So, let's consciously try to step back a little.
If you calmly and objectively differentiate between yourself and others,
might there be some "unnecessary anger" lurking?
"I can't study right now."
"I don't want to go to school."
When children say things like that, why not focus on that fact?
Even if you were to make a different suggestion,
I would like to acknowledge them by saying, "I see that's how you feel,"
to show that I understand your perspective.
You and those around you are separate.
Parents and children are separate individuals.
By thinking of your own challenges and others' challenges separately,
I hope both parents and children can live their own lives.
Summer vacation will be over soon.
This is also a time when children start to feel a bit of anxiety.
Let's take it as easy as possible and not rush.😊
May this reach those who need it.✨
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