The Future Beyond the Struggle Was Bright

Anxiety? Worry? Loneliness?

To be honest, I never thought I would feel this way.

As I watched them get out of the car and walk toward the station, I waved my hand vigorously.

After getting on the escalator with their carry-on bag, they looked back at me and gave a small wave with one hand.

With a slight smile.

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Ever since my child stopped going to school, it felt like our family was heading straight into a massive storm.

My mind was completely consumed by my child, and I couldn't pay attention to anything else.

It is natural for a father and mother to have different ways of interacting with their child, but we couldn't understand or accept each other's perspectives.

We were both busy with work, and I don't think we had much time to talk at all.

It was also inevitable that a rift would form between a parent with rigid expectations of how a father should be and a child who was on the receiving end of those intense pressures.

A few years later, my own mental health finally collapsed, and the topic of separation even came up.

Our family fell apart once.

◇◇◇

Of course, school refusal was not the only cause.

I think that even if that hadn't happened, our family at the time would have fallen apart for some other reason.

We had been living without being able to understand that we were each different, and without being able to talk things through.

My mental breakdown became the catalyst for us to create some distance within the family.

At the time, I had absolutely no free time, so I let go of the days spent just being pushed around by my children and focused on prioritizing myself.

◇◇◇

Then, my perspective began to change.

By each of us having our own separate worlds, we were able to understand ourselves better.

I hadn't been able to communicate my thoughts well, but I began to be able to express them carefully in words.

It was a strange sensation.

I see, my perspective had become far too narrow.

Being unable to see my own environment from a bird's-eye view meant losing sight of myself.

I had been unable to know what was 'enough'.

The only person I can change is 'myself'.

Distortion occurs because I selfishly think, 'I want the other person to change the way I want them to'.

If there is to be change, it starts with me, and by changing myself, those around me change as well.

◇◇◇

Conversations increased between both children and adults.

Words of consideration for one another and moments of laughter also increased.

I remembered how precious it was for the whole family to eat the same meal together, share silly trivia, and just spend that kind of time.

The children also calmed down significantly, and were gradually able to return to the circle of our "family".

We adults, as parents, also began to look toward "what comes next."

I became a Certified Zentangle Teacher, joined an NPO to continue supporting children who refuse to attend school, and began to stand on my own two feet.

And my husband, wanting to make the most of his qualifications, thought seriously about his future career and took the plunge to change jobs at his age.

It is a job transfer that involves living apart, even if it is for a fixed term.

For our family, this is our first time living in two separate places in 18 years, since our eldest son was a baby.

Although we will be living in different places, I think we were finally able to take this step because the circle of our "family" has returned.

◇◇◇

However, he probably knows it himself.

That he is actually someone who gets lonely, or that he actually has weak points.

That is likely why he had no choice but to strongly assert that "a father should be this way."

Just as the prickly parts of each of us disappeared and the circle was restored, one of us will now be living in a different place.

I felt lonely, anxious, and worried about it.

◇◇◇

But think about it carefully.

Isn't a home that has let go of how things 'should be' the strongest kind of home?

And isn't a home where we understand each other's 'weaknesses' the most powerful of all?

I'm sure we'll be fine now.

Because I believe that while we each struggle to shine in our own places, we remain connected as we move in and out of the circle we call 'family'.

Beyond the storm, it is soft, warm, and bright.

#Maple-san Thank you for the top image.

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