4. So that I can be convinced

Make accurate choices

For some reason, I have always been seen as a "reliable person" character, and in my work life, I have had subordinates and lived as the type of person who is consulted to some extent, but in reality, I was a person without a core.
I think I was vaguely aware of it myself, perhaps. Once, someone who knew me in elementary school told me I was "spacey." Maybe that is the type I am by nature. (People don't really believe me.)
That is probably why living while trying to ignore that as much as possible was a burden on both my mind and body. After I was able to recognize it myself, I actually felt relieved.

Having recognized that I had no "personal core," I did not blame anyone or anything, but I strongly felt that I wanted tostand on my own two feet.
To do that, I needed to turn my eyes toward the inner side of "myself" that I had been running away from until now. So, I started learning from posts and articles about personal cores, self-affirmation, and so on.

The merit of social media is that you can catch various posts in a short time, and with just one smartphone. I saw posts from many different people, chewed on them in my own way, and absorbed what I needed.
Of course, as a disadvantage of social media, there are naturally opposite ideologies and evil worlds, so I tried to make choices calmly while keeping in mind that "I am at my weakest ever right now."
As I mentioned last time, I was weak enough at the time that I could have easily been taken in if I wasn't careful.

Medicine can become poison if you take it the wrong way.
Also, if you don't have the desire to heal, it won't have any effect even if you rely on it completely.
If you cannot handle it calmly yourself, it can even have the opposite effect.

Self-first

Do not blame anyone or anything.
That meant being "self-first," for better or worse.

You could call it "self-blame thinking," but in my case, I think I am the type who has a fair amount of "self-blame thinking" regarding bad things. In short, it is a pattern where I end up thinking, "I am responsible for this failure because I did this."
I don't think that is wrong in itself, and in a sense, it is my personality, so I don't intend to fix it (or rather, I feel like it won't be fixed).
However, if it is not quite a failure but actually an unsatisfactory result, don't you ever end up thinking "it can't be helped because of X" in order to force yourself to be convinced?
This is exactly what "blaming someone or something" is, and it is turning your eyes away from your own true intentions that you are not convinced by.

I think such deception should not exist in "self-blame thinking."
That is why I decided to stop actions that make me think "it's unsatisfactory but it can't be helped."
I will think desperately so that I can be convinced, and I will make an effort to be convinced.
If it is still impossible after that, I will choose tonot do it because I don't want to do it.

At first, my heart pounded. Because I hadn't lived that kind of life.
But as I kept "self-first" in mind, the children's reactions clearly changed. The children started to look happier, as if they were relieved.
In the end, because I had been putting myself last until now, the children themselves had been increasing their anxiety and sense of guilt.
"Parents should live their own lives."
It was only at this moment that I truly understood the real meaning of that.