[Parenting] My second daughter's negotiation for a raise in her allowance and the result
This is a story from a few months ago.
One night during the New Year holidays, while we were all being lazy.
While I was watching TV, my sixth-grade second daughter
showed me her laptop and said, "Look at this."
Like a typical modern elementary school student, it was a "Chrome PowerPoint presentation" for when she wants to negotiate something with her parents.
My second daughter used PowerPoint to demand a review of our allowance system and a raise.
I see.
Let's hear what you have to say.
So, today, I would like to write about the history of our family's chore system and allowance system.
Our family's allowance system is basically a fixed-amount system, plus an incentive mechanism where you can earn money by doing specific chores.
The fixed amounts are,
◾️Junior high school students: Grade level × 1,000 yen/month
◾️Elementary school students: Grade level × 100 yen/month
So, as of January 2023, our family's allowances are
● Eldest daughter (2nd year of junior high): 2nd year × 1,000 yen = 2,000 yen
● Twins (6th grade): 6th grade × 100 yen = 600 yen.
By the way, since parents buy necessary stationery, books, and clothes, the main uses for the allowance are,
・Manga (including monthly "Ciao")
・Stationery I buy because it's cute
・Birthday presents for friends
・"Oshi-katsu" (supporting my favorite idol/character)
・Money for playing at the arcade
・Other miscellaneous goods
And so on.
For junior high students, this also includes money for hanging out with friends. My eldest daughter doesn't really spend much money, so it's enough for now. In fact, it seems like she's saving more and more. Otherwise, we discuss things flexibly and provide money if necessary.
Although the fixed amount is decided, there is a system where you can get additional incentives for doing specific chores when you want to buy something.
There are about 30 incentive items in total, and the amounts range from 10 to 100 yen. By the way, this hasn't been updated since it was created 6 years ago when the twins were in their final year of kindergarten.
I overwrote the original, so I don't have it, but for example,
・Wiping the desk: 10 yen
・Washing dishes: 30 yen
・Cleaning the bath: 50 yen
and so on are written down, and it's a system where you get paid those amounts.
It's cheap. I knew that.
In the midst of all this, what my second daughter presented is the topic of this discussion. The second page looks like this.
I see, I see.
Since the image is hard to see, to summarize it roughly,
①② There are times when I've done chores but haven't been paid.
③ In the first place, the incentives are cheap.
④ You, you're just being lazy and not calculating it properly, right?
⑤ You said you'd give us our allowance on the 1st of every month, but it's usually paid late, isn't it?
That's the content.
I have no rebuttal.
It's been exposed that the mother, who should have created the system, was being lazy and doing it haphazardly. And my second daughter is sounding the alarm on that. This is definitely a "Mom, I'm sorry" situation.
However, as a mother, I do have some counterarguments.
But I won't argue back immediately.
The active listening course I took a long time ago is coming in handy.
"That's a well-made presentation."
First, I praise the effort and content of what she made.
I show an attitude of acknowledging and accepting it.
On top of that, I suggest we all discuss it again tomorrow morning.
The family meeting starts tomorrow (Saturday) at 9:00 AM.
Dad is away for work, but the four women will let's review it!
Well, first of all, here is the improvement proposal submitted by my second daughter.
In short,
1. 2. Isn't the content of the price list inadequate in the first place?
3. In these times of high prices, please consider an overall increase.
4. Please calculate properly without being lazy.
5. If you forget to pay on the 1st of every month, stick a note on the refrigerator so you don't forget!!
You're right. That's fair enough.
“This is completely a 'sorry' case for Mom. I am very sorry.”
Even if you are a mother, you must apologize when you are wrong. This is extremely important.
I also ask my eldest and third daughters for their opinions. I identify the problems. All three of them have roughly the same things to say.
However, I also have something to say.
“'Helping out' is something small children do to be praised, but as middle school students, shouldn't you take on a share of the housework as members of the family from now on??
So, I decided to tell them exactly that.
“When you were little, I made a price list because I wanted you to help out, but now you are all becoming middle school students, and besides, we are a dual-income household, and both Mom and Dad are busy. Dad helps out too, but I want each of you to take on a share of the housework as a member of the family. Otherwise, I can't manage the housework on my own.
Now that everyone has grown up, could you please review the items and take on the housework as your own responsibility?”
The three sisters' answer is...
“That's totally fine!”
...What good children they are (crying)!!
“Then, let's review the items and prices together!” So,
we review the incentive items and prices together.
・Straightening shoes 10 yen…
“No, straighten them when you take them off (by eldest daughter)” -> Item deleted
・Wiping the table 10 yen…
“Shouldn't the person who finishes clearing the dishes wipe it? (by third daughter)” -> Item deleted
・Washing dishes 30 yen…
“Mom and Dad basically do this, but on holidays and weekday evenings, please wash what you ate yourself” -> Item deleted
・Cleaning the bath 50 yen…
“I really want you to do this. Can you all take turns doing it daily?” -> Item deleted
Everyone, have you noticed yet?
Yes.
This mother actually activated a strategy of appealing to their emotions by saying “Help your busy mom,” used her daughters' kind feelings to get most of the items deleted, and has actually changed them to unpaid chores.
...No, no, I'm kidding. I didn't mean to do that.
It just happened that way (sweat).
Because, isn't housework something that anyone in the family can do?
There's this deep-rooted idea that “Mom should do it,” but cleaning and laundry can be done by anyone over middle school age, regardless of gender, and it's not like I'm a full-time housewife; I work too.
Of course, I will do as much as I can as before, but it would help if you could stop thinking that “housework is Mom's job.”
Because you are already in middle school. Eventually, you will live alone. You might even get married and become a housewife.
For that reason, please learn how to do housework.
“Helping Mom and getting money as a reward” phase, please level up to
“Taking on work as a member of the family.” That will be for your own good too.
Even so, it would be a pity to get rid of the incentive system, so here are the chore items that remain where they can earn incentives.
So, the problem my second daughter brought up about paying her allowance properly ended up in exploitation of labor by her mother. I'm sorry about that.
By the way, there is a problem that was solved properly.
5. If you forget to pay on the 1st of every month, stick a note on the refrigerator so you don't forget!!
Regarding the problem, we landed on a solution of putting it in a mini salary envelope bought at Seria and sticking it on the refrigerator on the 1st of every month. So far, I have been able to prepare it without forgetting on the 1st of every month.
Also, since everyone became a middle school student in April, the base pay has increased to
Eldest daughter: 3rd year x 1,000 yen = 3,000 yen
Second daughter: 1st year x 1,000 yen = 1,000 yen
Third daughter: 1st year x 1,000 yen = 1,000 yen
, so they are satisfied.
Let's move on to the conclusion.
For families with young children.
Personally, I wouldn't recommend the incentive system of "I'll give you an allowance if you help out."
This is because it carries the risk that when they get older, they will say, "I helped out, but I didn't get any money."
Well, they might learn the basics of society that you get paid for working, though.
It's often a topic on social media, but "helping" means doing something that isn't your own job, right?
As a family, I'd like to think that housework is everyone's job, even if the proportions differ. Especially if both parents work. If we don't cooperate, we can't make a living. I would appreciate it if you could understand that.
Fortunately, my children help out quite a bit, even while grumbling. Although, I also feel that just by them tidying up and managing their own things, my work would decrease.
My husband is also cooperative, so I manage to do my best with both work and housework every day.
Without forgetting to be grateful to my family for being able to do the work I love, I want to keep doing my best—that was my resolution for the spring of 2024.
I hope this is helpful to someone.
(In the style of Haru Oishi)