Light and Darkness After My First Solo Exhibition

It has been over two months since my first solo exhibition. I am working on new pieces, but for better or worse, I am seeing a different landscape than before...

What wells up is by no means just this ↓positive feeling (light)...

Impatience?Fear?Responsibility?Pressure?...one could also call it the thought of holding myself back (darkness)↓ that simultaneously rears its head...

「マグレで上手くいっただけでは？」
「どうしよう...あれ以上のものできるかな？」
「私の実力ここまでだったりして...。」

I overthink and freeze up, wondering, 'Wait? How did I used to paint?' and my brushwork slows down. Then, looking at my previous work that was well-received, I think, 'I definitely did this here. Should I try using that technique here too...'

But my teacher says... this psychology is something everyone goes through, and even for seasoned veterans, it is a theme they face every time, though the range of fluctuation becomes smaller. And each time, one must reset past achievements (glory) to a blank slate and strive to face the work in front of them with a 'nothingness' mindset ...

My teacher has also been creating while courageously 'letting go' of their past self all this time. 'Returning to a blank, neutral (flat) state' repeatedly at every milestone.

I know that, but it's difficult... Humans tend to cling to what they have gained... and want to stay in their comfort zone (in this case, 'the comfortable, praised self they feel safe in')... Because it's scary to leave that...

...and when I try to leave, the self-critical intrusive thoughts like those in the [black box] above try to pull me back... (even though the negative delusions that appear are nothing more than illusions.)

So it becomes a tug-of-war...

These intrusive thoughts that pull me back are apparently the voice of the ego. (According to my teacher.)

'Ego' sounds similar to the word 'egoist,' so it has an image of being 'selfish or self-centered,' but it's not that; rather...

...I wonder if that's it?

This↑ is one of the series of works my teacher exhibited at their solo show. The platinum part on the left is 'the material world that can be recognized as visible form,' and the right side is 'a world like particles of light that is invisible and has no form.' Humans are all composed of both of these...

When anxiety or fear (darkness) comes to mind, it's a state where the 'desire for self-preservation (ego)' that protects 'only' the platinum part on the left swells up and 'separates' the light particle part on the right and pushes it somewhere else ?

But what actually makes up the self is mostly 'particles of light,' and furthermore, that is also connected to the original 'source of light' ...

So even if it were a 'fluke,' that 'coincidence' itself is surely something 'I' caused 'inevitably' in collaboration with the 'source.'

Yes. This is not a fantasy, but a fact. ...However, the troublesome thing is the negative power that "ruins/cancels out" that: the "formidable enemy called 'fear'" (the darkness within me) ...

What a nuisance... oh, what a waste...

In other words...

...Is that it?

It's only natural to waver because I'm human, but each time I do, I'll use this to recall the "balance that should naturally exist" and first purify the darkness ...?

When I do that, the left part also integrates with the right part, and it works so that the "inner light" is purely expressed in the material world?? (Both wheels... or rather, a division of roles... maybe??? Because if it's just the right side, it won't manifest.)

Yes, darkness (ego = desire for self-preservation) "divides" the left and right, making it seem as if there is no "inner light" at all. (I was about to fall right into the trap...)

...Well, I've written this in a complicated way, but what I really want to say is...

...This is it. Yes.

I'll call it "Operation Defeat Ego" .

With this, I'll repel it in one shot! Nothing beats "excitement"...right? 😉

And, without letting my thoughts wander unnecessarily to the past or future,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(When I started trying to put this into words, it got out of hand, and it took a terribly long time from drafting to posting...😅 Actually, I've already started and am moving forward with the painting🎶 The "new attempt" I arrived at will be in a separate article!)