A sailor and father of three. The reality of a marriage where the father is away for weeks at a time.

"When is Dad coming home?"

Every time my child asks me this, I get an indescribable feeling.

I am a sailor and a father of three. While on board, I am away from home for weeks at a time. I participate remotely from the ship in my children's birthdays, sports days, and the daily "How was school today?"

This is the reality of a sailor dad.

The marital relationship of a sailor has unique problems that land-based families do not have.

While on board, I leave the childcare completely to my wife. She looks after three children by herself while also handling everything in the house. Honestly, I didn't care at all about how exhausting this was. I had that typical Kyushu man's chauvinistic side, and one day after a few years, my wife's anger exploded. I, who had been a bit bossy and chauvinistic until then, just said, "Yes, ma'am!!"
A fierce verbal attack, and then I was sunk. I thought it was natural for her to do the housework because I was working. I took it for granted without any gratitude. I regret it...

Moreover, when I get off the ship and come home, the house rules have changed. The children's daily rhythm, the rules my wife decided, even the layout of the house. While I was gone, the family had become complete on its own.

"Even though I'm home, I feel like an outsider."

This is a common experience for sailor dads.

How does a happy-go-lucky sailor who is away for weeks at a time maintain his marriage and family after his wife has reached her limit?

Reality #1 | Enter in "Guest Mode" on the first day home

This is seriously important.

When I come home after a voyage, if I jump straight into "father mode" or "husband mode," I will fail.

The family already has a "rhythm of life without me." If I suddenly say, "I'm home, so change it," it becomes exhausting for everyone.

So, on the first day home, I first observe. "What kind of rhythm is it running on now?" "How are the children doing?" "How exhausted is my wife right now?"

After seeing that, I blend in little by little.

I enter in guest mode and take three days to return to being a family member. This is my way.

Reality No. 2 | Gratitude to your wife must be put into words to be understood

Many sailors are quiet types. Many also think that showing gratitude through actions is enough.

But that is not enough.

While I am at sea, my wife is raising our three children all by herself. You have to put that hardship into words and say 'thank you' for it to be understood.

What I make a conscious effort to do is to be specific when I say 'thank you.' Instead of just 'thanks for making dinner,' I say, 'thank you for handling everything while looking after the three kids all by yourself while I was gone.'

I feel that when you express your respect and admiration specifically, it is properly received.

Reality No. 3 | Competing on the 'quality' of time spent with children

I will definitely lose to land-based dads in terms of quantity.

The time I spend at home is about four months a year. While land-based dads are there for 365 days, I am only there for 120 days.

So, I have no choice but to go with 'quality over quantity.'

When I am off the ship, I play with my children with all my might. We go to the park, go fishing, or ride around the neighborhood on my bike. I never make excuses like 'I'm busy today.' For the time I am away, I give it my all when I am off the ship.

Children remember well. The memory that 'Dad played with me a ton when he was around' supports us through the long periods I am at sea. That is what I believe.

Reality No. 4 | The funniest story

When I returned home once, my youngest child asked, 'Who are you?'

They had forgotten who I was.

It was funny, but it also wasn't.

That day, I held them all day long and stayed with them until they went to sleep at night. By the next day, they were calling me 'Papa!' again.

I really felt that children's memories are quick. Their adaptability is amazing. I want to learn from that.

Summary

To sum up the marital and family relationships of a sailor dad in one word: 'savings of trust'.

The reason my wife can manage on her own while I'm at sea is because she trusts that I will come back and that I'll be there for her with everything I've got when I return.

That kind of trust can only be built through a accumulation of words and actions.

I still feel guilty about being away from home for so long. But in return, I give my family my all whenever I'm off the ship. That's the only thing I can do.

I plan to play with my youngest with everything I've got next time I'm off the ship, so they don't ask me, 'Who are you?'

This is a real-life diary written by me, a ferry deckhand and father of three. Please follow me if you'd like.