Jin-man continues to face his former self

Thoughts I had while watching "Everyone is fighting their own worthless self"

I thought I might end up writing more about Jin-man than Dong-man.

Dong-man is someone whose anxiety is currently manifesting in his body.
His restlessness, the way he says unnecessary things, his rough demeanor, his lack of composure.
He appears as someone whose anxiety is still in motion.

But Jin-man is different.
He looks like someone for whom anxiety and defeat have already become the temperature of his daily life.

That is why I am intrigued by him.

Jin-man was not someone whose dreams were shattered from the start.

I don't think Jin-man's pain is the pain of losing something he never had to begin with.

He is someone who graduated from a prestigious university and even debuted as a poet.
Surely, for a time, he must have been a hero in his neighborhood.
He must have been the pride of his family and an older brother who reached places his younger brother could not.

That is precisely why his life cannot be summed up as a simple "setback".

There is a different quality of misery between giving up on a dream that was out of reach from the start, and
gradually losing the social value, self-esteem, expectations, and the gaze of those around you that you once held in your hands.

Jin-man is probably not someone who fell all at once.
That is what makes it even more painful.

I think that until his late thirties, he was probably able to cling to his dream somehow.
Maybe I can still make it.
Maybe I can write again.
I'm just working for a living right now.
The real me isn't finished yet.
That is how he lived, slowly being pushed by reality, yet unable to let go completely, as only his age advanced.

That gradual decline must have been a much more miserable process than what Dong-man is experiencing now.

What Jin-man carries is not just defeat itself, but the time spent in defeat.

I don't think Jin-man's pain comes only from his current difficult life.
He has been facing his former self all this time.

The self he was supposed to become.
The self he thought wasn't finished yet.
The self that might have been able to make a living through words.
He is living in a present that no longer aligns with any of those versions of himself.

In other words, what is painful for him is not just his current poverty.
It is the feeling that his current self is constantly betraying his former selfI think.

People like that don't just lose their dreams.
They lose the very self that held those dreams.

Moreover, that "former self" is not completely dead.
The sensibility of being a poet, the pride, the sharpness of his words—they still remain somewhere.
If he had lost everything and become dull, it might have been easier.
But Jin-man is not like that.
Because those parts remain, he is hurt every time he faces his current self.

That is why I think he is not so much a person in despair, but
a person who has been fixed within his daily life while carrying that despair
I think.

It is not so much that he is escaping into alcohol, but that he is barely making it through the day with it.
It is not so much that he is saved by work, but that he is barely holding himself together through it.
He appears to be living, but in reality, he ends each day carrying the despair that has settled into his life.

That is why he cannot leave Dong-man alone.

I don't think Jin-man's concern for Dong-man is just out of a sense of responsibility as an older brother.

Dong-man is still someone whose wounds are exposed.
His anxiety shows in his body; he is restless and swaying in an unsightly way.
But conversely, that also means he is still on the side of dreams.
He hasn't completely broken yet.
His "future" hasn't been cut off yet.

That is why Jin-man cannot bear to watch.

It is because he sees in his younger brother the place where he once stood.
Clinging to a dream, not yet fully fallen, but in a precarious state.
I think that figure looks like a ghost of his former self.

That is why his irritation is not just a lecture.
It is not that he dislikes Dong-man, nor is he looking down on him.
Rather, he becomes hypersensitive because he can see his brother standing on the edge of the collapse he himself might have passed through.

In short,
Jin-man is facing his former self while looking at his brother.

I think that is what is painful.

The reason the bathroom scene in EP3 hits so hard

That is why the bathroom scene in EP3 hits so hard.

Jin-man is on the verge of ending it all.
Dong-man senses that atmosphere.
And, rather than just panicking, he says it while being desperate, yet gentle and accepting.

"Hyung, come down."

The reason that scene is painful is not because it is a scene where he stops his brother.
It is because it is the scene where Dong-man, perhaps for the first time, senses the depth of his brother's despair with his own body.

Moreover, Dong-man does not try to persuade him there.
He does not brandish logical arguments.
He does not make a big fuss.
He just calls out to him while holding his hand.

I think that is not a restraint, but a calling back.
It is closer to "come back here" than "don't go there."

But what is even more painful is what comes after.

For Jin-man, Dong-man is not just a younger brother.
He is also a ghost of his former self.
Someone still on the side of dreams, someone not yet completely broken, someone still close to his "old self."
He is brought back to life by that ghost holding his hand.

I wonder what he thought of that.

I don't think it ends with just being saved.
Rather, I think the pain of being forced to face his own life once again, by being brought back, was greater.

If it had truly ended, I might have sunk without feeling a thing.
But my younger brother took my hand, called me "Hyung, come down," and I was pulled back.
That was being pulled back to the side of the living, and at the same time, being made aware that I was not yet completely dead.

It is a salvation, and at the same time, it is cruel.

That is why that scene is not just a moment where the older brother is saved by the younger brother,
but also looks like a scene where the younger brother calls back the "former self" that still remains within the older brother.
It also appears that way.

I think that pain is at the core of that scene.

The reason I want to write about Jinman more than Dongman

I might perhaps write about Jinman more than Dongman.

Dongman is a person who is still wavering.
Jinman is a person who hardened after wavering.
He is a person for whom his wounds are no longer an incident, but the temperature of his daily life.

And I am drawn to such people.

More than someone who is crying right now, someone who has stopped crying.
More than someone complaining of anxiety, someone for whom anxiety has become a habit of living.
More than someone who can explain their wounds, someone for whom the wounds have settled into their life, making them difficult to put into words even for themselves.

Jinman stands as such a person.

That is why I am curious about him.
And perhaps, I will end up writing about him.

He is not a person who has lost his dreams.
He is a person who has lived a long time with the misery of falling from the life that was expected of him,and I think he is a person who is still continuing to face his former self.
Jinman's pain lies not in having been defeated, but in having to continue living as the person who was defeated.