Living Life at Full Throttle
I am living an irregular life. Last night, I spent my time lazily watching anime, finally crawled into bed at 4 a.m., and didn't wake up until 2 p.m.
I haven't slept past noon in years, so even I am surprised. I am a company employee, a wife who has been cheated on, and a thirty-something with massive stamina who can usually wake up in the morning and be active all day even after partying all night. I wasn't conscious of it, but I suppose I must be exhausted... I decided I should be a little kinder to myself.
I watched the rest of the anime I was watching last night, 'The Fragrant Flower Blooms With Dignity,' until the final episode. I felt a mix of 'ugh' and 'awww' while watching the bittersweet youth of the high schoolers unfold before me. I chatted with friends on LINE, went to the clinic to get my hay fever medicine, and now, here I am, vaguely writing this in the bath while brainstorming the bread I want to bake tomorrow.
A lot of time has passed since the affair was discovered, and as it has gotten warmer, my positivity and energy for romance have returned. Then, I realized—though it is very rude of me—that I have been unconsciously scanning and analyzing the information I get from the communication of single men I meet in my private life.
'I'm not going to change in the future.' Beep-beep! Don't underestimate the need for validation in a man whose subject is always 'I'! In the first place, why are you making such a declaration to me, someone I'm only at this stage of a relationship with?! Red light! Red light! 'It's not my fault.' Beep-beep! A man who blames others will blame others until he dies! Red light! Red light! Ah, his current behavior toward me is waiting for an invitation, hoping for a windfall! Beep-beep! Yellow light! Yellow light!
My self-consciousness, which has swollen up like it did when I was a teen, is running wild, spinning the resolution of the world I've gained through life experience into a dangerous mess. I'm struggling to keep it under control... Calm down, it's okay, it's probably just my imagination! The world doesn't revolve around you!
Then why am I getting mysterious LINE messages from a middle-aged man I've only met once at a drinking party, telling me what he did today?! Hey?! Why?! What is your goal?! Stop it, don't put any more pressure on my CPU...!
Half to encourage myself, I laugh 'Hahaha' while saying, 'It's okay, I'm a good woman,' but underneath that is the anxiety of wondering just how far I can go, and my self-consciousness running rampant. Then there is the deadline for choosing a life stage, peeking obscenely at me from behind a pillar. Preparing for the lawsuit for damages, negotiations for divorce, and drawing up the notarized deed. The new work project starting in the spring, the expanding discretion, and the accompanying responsibilities. Honestly, give me a break.
But no matter how much I cry or scream, I have no choice but to go as far as my own strength will take me. It is a Saturday night where I steel myself, thinking, 'Women need guts!'
I'll leave thinking about work until the week begins, so I hope you all sleep well and look forward to Sunday. 🫶
Thank you for reading until the end!