I can't have sex with my boyfriend... Should we break up? Criteria for making a 'regret-free' relationship decision based on the differences between ED, libido, and love

Hello, I'm Jun, your love coach.
'I love my boyfriend, but we can't have sex.'
This worry wears down your heart more than you can imagine.

He is kind.
I feel at ease when I'm with him.
I can be my true self.
I also feel that I am cherished.

And yet, only the sexual aspect of our relationship isn't working out.

At first, you probably think,
'Maybe he's just tired.'
'Maybe it's just a phase.'
'I don't want to pressure him, so I'll wait a little while.'

I'm sure you try to understand him that way.

But when that state continues over and over,
a different kind of anxiety gradually creeps in.

'Could it be that he can't do it because it's me?'

'Doesn't he see me as a woman?'

'Does he really love me?'

Even if he is kind to you.
Even if he asks you out on dates.
Even if he tells you he loves you.

The simple fact that you are not desired
continues to weigh on your heart.

And before you know it,

'Maybe I should lose more weight.'

'Maybe I lack sex appeal.'

'Maybe I don't have any charm as a woman.'

You start taking things that might be his problem
and internalizing them as issues with your own worth.

However, there is one thing I want you to know here.

The fact that he cannot have sex and
the fact that you lack charm are not the same thing.

And one more thing.

The fact that he loves you and
the fact that you have to keep enduring loneliness
are not the same thing.

Because people confuse these two things,
“Should I break up?”
“Should I endure it and stay together?”

they end up not knowing which is which.

“He’s such a great guy, it feels wrong to break up over sex...”

When you consider breaking up, a different kind of pain emerges.

He is kind.
He’s not the type to cheat.
I feel safe when I’m with him.
I can be my true self.

That is precisely why
“Am I being selfish for thinking about breaking up just because of sex?”

I end up thinking.

But on the other hand, I really want him to touch me more.
I want him to hold me.
I want to be desired as a lover, as a woman.

And then suddenly,
“What if we get married and this continues for years?”I think, and it scares me.

Then in my head, it becomes a choice between
“Choosing the kind boyfriend”
or “Choosing a fulfilling sex life.”
That is the binary choice I end up with.

But that is not what you should really be thinking about.

What is important is
not to decide the future of this relationship based solely on “whether we can have sex right now or not.”

Is it a sexual function issue?
Is it a fundamental difference in libido?
Is it psychological pressure?
Does his affection for you exist in your daily life?

And above all, is he willing to face the problems happening between you two together?

If you don't look at this much, you might
let go of a relationship you didn't have to end,

or conversely, you might
stay in a relationship where you will end up enduring things forever.

The scariest thing is making a decision based on the “fear of losing him.”

And another strong feeling that comes up when you are hesitant about breaking up is the fear that
“If I let this person go, there might not be anyone else.”
fear.

Do I have to start using matching apps again?
Do I have to meet strangers over and over again?
Will I fall in love again and potentially get hurt?

I’m also worried about my age.
I want to get married, too.

In that case, I end up thinking, “Maybe I should just endure a little bit of loneliness.”

However, there is a big pitfall here.
Wanting to be with this person and
being afraid of losing this person are not the same thing.

Please ask yourself one thing.

If it were guaranteed that you would definitely meet a wonderful man who suits you even if you broke up,
would you still choose your current boyfriend?

Of course, in reality, there is no such guarantee.
But when you ask this question,
you can start to see whether you want to stay because you love him.

Or, whether you can't leave because you're afraid there won't be anyone else.
It will become a little clearer.

What often leads to regret in relationships is
continuing to choose a partner not because 'this is the one,' but because 'there is no one else.'

It's okay to say, 'He's not a bad person, but I'm suffering.'

This is also very important.

In a relationship, you don't have to stay together just because neither of you is 'bad'.

He is not bad.
You are not bad either.
He has his own circumstances.
You have the kind of relationship you desire.
Even so, there are times when the parts that are important to both of you
just don't align.

Therefore, you don't need to blame yourself by thinking, 'Is it selfish to break up because of sexual compatibility?'

However, at the same time,
'We can't have sex now, so we have no choice but to break up'
is not a conclusion you need to jump to immediately.

What is necessary is not to decide whether he is bad or not, but to have the material to judge
'Can I be happy in the long term in a relationship with this person?'

That is why I wrote this article.

What will be organized in this note

In the following sections,

• A way of thinking to separate 'not being able to have sex' from 'not being loved'

• How to organize your thoughts so you don't confuse ED, libido, and love

• The 'attitude he takes toward the issue' that you really should be looking at

• The pitfall hidden in 'I can't break up with him because he's kind'

• Is it really selfish to break up because of sexual incompatibility?

• How past relationship trauma distorts your current judgment

• How to deal with the anxiety of 'maybe there's no one else' or 'I'm already this age'

• 5 criteria for deciding whether to break up or stay together5 criteria for deciding whether to break up or stay together

• Specific ways to communicate about sexual issues without blaming him

• NG behaviors that tend to worsen the relationship

I will organize these in order.

And what I value most in this note is
not just 'reading it and feeling satisfied'.

At the end, based on the content so far, I have prepared a
'So, what exactly should I do starting tomorrow?'
practical action plan that breaks it down.

Organize your current situation.
Confirm how important 'sex' is to you.
Assess his affection and his attitude toward facing the issue.
Actually talk to him.

And, including his reaction,
think about whether you want to continue this relationship.

In this way, I have specifically summarized the process of moving from a state of 'continuously thinking about breaking up or not' in your head, to taking action to actually reach an answer.

What I want to convey in this note is not
'If he has ED, you should be understanding,' nor
'If you are sexually incompatible, you should break up.'

What is important is not having someone else decide the right answer for you, but
organizing your own feelings, facing him, and then being in a state where you can decide for yourself, 'I want to choose this relationship.'

What I want you to think about in the end is
not whether he can or cannot do it.
It is whether you can be happy in a relationship with this person.

And after you finish reading this note, I aim for you to be in a state where you can

actually take a step to verify the answer instead of just continuing to worry about it.

What if nothing changes as it is?

Finally, please think about one thing.
'It might get better eventually.'
'It might change if he goes to the hospital.'
'Something might change once we get married.'
It is not bad to have hope for the future.

But in relationships, sometimes you look at 'the boyfriend who might change' and stop looking at 'the current relationship with him.'

What if it's the same a year from now?
What if it hasn't changed in three years?
What if this loneliness continues even after marriage?

Even so, can you still say, 'I want to be with this person'? Conversely, even if things aren't going well in the bedroom right now,

if he understands your pain, thinks about it with you, and tries to build a relationship that is comfortable for both of you,
there may be value that cannot be measured by the problems you see right now.

That is why please do not think only in terms of 'breaking up or putting up with it'.

From here on, I will talk about the criteria for making a decision you are less likely to regret,
helping you break free from the self-denial of 'Am I not attractive as a woman?'
and separating his affection, sexual issues, and your compatibility as a couple,

one by one.

When you finish reading,
I hope you will be able to think not just about 'what he thinks of me,'
but based on 'what kind of relationship makes me happy.'

Now, let's get into the main topic.

Chapter 1: First, I want you to know. 'Not being able to have sex' and 'not being loved' are not the same thing.

First, I will talk about the most important point.

When the situation of not being able to have sex with a boyfriend continues,
many women unconsciously...