[My Son Episode 15] Even though the place changed, I was still comparing | My son was comparing himself to who he was yesterday. But I was still comparing him to those around us.
It was decided that he would leave high school.
That day when my husband, the teacher, and I had a discussion.
Everyone else was already looking ahead.
They were looking forward.
But I was the only one still standing there, frozen in place.
It was decided he would transfer to a correspondence high school.
I looked at my son's uniform.
I loved that uniform.
It was stylish, and I loved the sight of my son attending that school.
He wouldn't be wearing it anymore.
Even though I knew that, I couldn't easily let it go.
However, my husband was different.
"We don't need it anymore, right?"
He said that and disposed of it without a second thought.
I was a little surprised.
But at the same time, I thought,
Ah, he is already looking forward.
There was a correspondence high school near our house, too.
But many students from his previous high school gathered at that station.
That was a burden for my son.
So, even though it was a bit far, we chose a correspondence high school in the next prefecture.
Driving him to the station,
getting on the train,
and then getting on a bus.
It was by no means an easy commute.
But I felt that there was meaning in that time as well.
Placing himself in a place with other people.
Riding the train.
Riding the bus.
I thought it might be a small practice for my son, who had a bit of social anxiety.
Fortunately, he had already earned most of his credits.
All that was required at the correspondence high school were physical education and homeroom.
When I learned that,
I thought, he has been given time to recover.
That's what I thought.
The school he had been attending until then was a preparatory school.
There were many assignments, and every day was busy.
He was doing his best just to keep up with his studies,
and he had no room to face his own heart.
This year might be a time for his heart to rest.
That was what I was hoping for.
However, reality was not that simple.
There were days he couldn't get on the train.
There were days he would come back halfway.
There were days he couldn't even reach the school.
There were not a few such days.
On the other hand, I was looking at the correspondence high school's website and blog.
There were pictures of students who looked like they were having fun.
Laughing with friends, enjoying conversations, and living their school life.
Every time I saw that, I thought,
How nice.
I'm envious.
It's nice to be able to interact with people normally.
And then I realized.
I am comparing again.
At the previous high school, I was comparing him to the students there.
After moving to the correspondence high school,
this time I was comparing him to the children there.
Only the place had changed.
Only the people I was comparing him to had changed.
My suffering had not changed at all.
But beside me, my son was changing little by little.
Putting on earphones and getting on the train.
Creating a world of his own where he could feel safe.
Trying to spend time among many people.
Resting when tired.
Trying again.
It was a repetition of that.
I was looking at "the same as everyone else."
Being able to talk to people.
Having friends.
Looking like they are having fun.
I was only looking at things like that.
But my son was different.
He was comparing himself to who he was yesterday.
He was able to get on the train.
He was able to go to school.
He didn't come back halfway today.
With those small accumulations,
he was regaining his confidence little by little.
Back then, I thought,
This might be a time for my son's recovery.
That is what I thought.
And now I understand.
It wasn't just my son who was recovering.
I, too,
think I was recovering little by little.
📖 For those reading for the first time
The Son series starts from [My Son Episode 0].
▶︎ [My Son Episode 0] Are you fast-forwarding?
The beginning of my days with my sensitive son
📚 Click here for the list of the Son series
▶︎Son Series | The path I walked while struggling as a parent
If you would like to organize your feelings now,
or if you would like to talk to someone,
if there is anyone like that,
I also offer online counseling.
▶︎ Click here for Online Counselor Hiroko's homepage
If you'd like,
please feel free to come and talk.
▶︎ Click here for a free trial counseling session
Thank you for reading this far.
I look forward to speaking with those with whom I have a connection.