[My Son Episode 14] I was in a different world | While everyone else was looking forward, I was in a different world
When it was decided that my son would quit high school, I headed to the school with my husband.
We were going to greet his homeroom teacher and the head teacher.
Even now, looking back, I feel like I was in a different world, it's strange.
My husband had a different air about him even before we left the house.
Of course, I think he was worried.
But he didn't carry the same sense of tragedy that I did.
Thinking about it now, I believe my husband was already looking at the "next" step.
But I was different.
To me, "quitting high school" felt like the end.
When we arrived at the school, the homeroom teacher welcomed us.
As I wrote before, he was a truly warm teacher.
He tried so hard to understand my son that I was surprised a high school teacher could be so supportive.
The head teacher was also a very calm and kind person.
It seemed he had spoken with my son before, and he said,
"He has some really wonderful qualities, doesn't he?"
That's how he spoke about him.
And both of them said something similar.
"Going to a place that suits you is the best thing to do."
Gently and calmly.
Now, I understand those words well.
It really is true.
But at that time, I couldn't accept them.
In my heart, I was screaming the whole time.
"He's quitting high school."
"He's quitting his affiliated high school."
"Why can you smile like that?"
"Why are you already looking at the future?"
That's how I felt.
Thinking back now, I was quite angry.
"Isn't it easy for you to say that because it's not your problem?"
That's what I ended up thinking.
It looked like everyone was looking forward.
My husband, the teachers, and perhaps even my son.
But I was the only one standing still.
I did offer my greetings properly.
I expressed my gratitude for their support.
But my heart was in a completely different place.
It felt like I had been left behind.
I understand now.
I think the teachers were looking at a "beginning" rather than an "end."
But at that time, I couldn't reach that place yet.
Back then, I was not in a normal state of mind.
That's why I couldn't enter that atmosphere of "it's going to be okay" that they were creating.
And I think I couldn't let go of not just my son's situation, but my own identity as well.
Being "the mother of a son who attends an affiliated high school."
Myself, who had worked so hard.
The parenting I thought I had done properly.
I felt like all of that was crumbling away.
That's why, in that room, I was all alone in a different world.
Next episode
▶︎ [My Son Episode 15] Even though the place changed, I was still comparing
My son was comparing himself to who he was yesterday. But I was still comparing him to those around us.
📖 For those reading for the first time
The son series starts from [My Son Episode 0].
▶︎ [My Son Episode 0] Are you fast-forwarding?
The beginning of my days with my sensitive son
📚 Click here for the list of the son series
▶︎ Son Series | The path I walked while struggling as a parent
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Thank you for reading this far.
I look forward to speaking with those with whom I have a connection.