If You Have a Crimson Ribbon and Cocoa

A bright red hat, and a big white bag on his back. That is definitely Santa Claus.

Hey, Santa! Can't you give me something too? Adults deserve gifts, right? I've managed to hang in there until now, after all. Sure, I've done things I can't really talk about out loud, but I was properly crushed afterward. It was so painful, lonely, scary, and I wanted to run away. Oh, that's half a lie. Maybe I did get back on my feet pretty quickly sometimes. But it was tough when the wounds weren't visible. Because I didn't know where to apply the medicine.

But you know, what do you call it? A 'time-cure'? I found a panacea, and sometimes I'd find I'd healed without even realizing it. Maybe I'm actually quite strong. Oh, I've gone off track. Right, the present. So, given all that, could you consider everything statute-barred and give me something too?

Okay? Yay! Now, what should I ask for?

Um, wait? ... I hadn't thought about it. I'm the one who called out to him, and yet here I am with no plan—I'm really hopeless. I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I keep telling myself to be careful, so why can't I change?

'Nankurunaisa'

'Huh?'

'Nankurunaisa, that is.'

'Wait, wait, why Okinawa? Huh? And wait, are you an Okinawan Santa? Come to think of it, aren't you wearing an aloha shirt? It's freezing, freezing. You'll catch a cold dressed like that. Besides, what are you going to do if the kids wake up? That's really not good, it's too suspicious. That's at a level where someone would call the police.'

'You don't need to panic so much. Things will work out. Nankurunaisa.'

'That's why I'm asking, why the Okinawan phrase?'

'Wait? ...'

'... That's right,'

'Why was it that I couldn't go to Okinawa that summer?'

◇

'35 Years Old'

How should I put it, unnatural things eventually break, don't they? Look at that, I'm learning, aren't I? But you know, getting engaged, quitting the company I'd worked at for over ten years, and then having the engagement called off right after was pretty tough. I thought I understood that his heart was wavering under the pressure of suddenly starting his own business. But I had also let go of my job and was wavering too, so when he called me 'lonely,' well, I won't deny it. That was quite a low point for me, though. Still, things have a way of working out. Yeah, nankurunaisa.

I reunited with him a few years ago. Was it thanks to social media? Or just fate? When we met, it hit me instantly. He wasn't the one. Knowing the path he had chosen, I realized I couldn't have stood by his side. I wasn't up to the task, and it wasn't the ending I had hoped for. I felt relieved that it fell apart. It's funny that we can even laugh about it together in the end, isn't it? Yes, this is a successful case of closure.

Oh, I started writing tanka at the end of my teens, but I've really been through a lot since then. Every time I got hurt, I would pour my feelings into a Campus notebook. But it's strange, isn't it? When things are going well, I hardly ever think of any words. That's why I'm still on my first notebook. It's tattered from age, though.

Would you like to read it? The ups and downs are so extreme they're laughable. Like a roller coaster.

◇

『19 Years Old』

It's amazing, isn't it, this early stuff? Some lines are too long, some are just like school essays. Plus, with landline phones and beautiful singers, isn't it full of that Showa-era vibe? But you know, I was giving it my all. Those were the days.

◇

『↗︎ 』

That's good. There are actually some happy poems here and there. There's a lot about food, isn't there? Am I a glutton?

Ah, Santa, you still look cold. It's getting chilly, so I'll make some cocoa. 'Aloha and Cocoa,' wouldn't that make a good catchphrase? 'Aloha and Cocoa, Cocoa and Ahaha,' or something like that. No? I guess not. You know, when I went to Okinawa before, the taxi driver was wearing an aloha shirt. Wow, I thought, Okinawa is amazing. The free atmosphere, the feeling of time passing slowly. 'Ahaha, most things will work out somehow,' that's what he taught me back then. Hmm? Santa, could you be that driver from back then? Probably not.

Wow, they keep coming, all these little downhill slopes.

◇

『↘︎ 』

My 20s, 30s, and 40s have been a cycle of sunny days, cloudy days, and getting soaked to the bone. But finally, I've become able to laugh and say 'ahaha' about it all. Huh? Right now? I think I've recently learned how to come to terms with my own heart and stand by the people who are important to me. The little ups and downs are still there, but I guess I'd rather have that than a path that's too easy to walk, so I can't complain. After all, I'm the one choosing this bumpy road.

I'm sorry, I've kept you for so long. Were you able to drink your cocoa? Good. You've warmed up, haven't you? 'Aloha and Cocoa, Cocoa and Ahaha,' am I being persistent? I guess I am, sorry. But thanks to that, I've started to feel a little happier.

So, Santa, about the present.
I've decided.

I'll take a crimson ribbon. A gorgeous velvet one. What will I use it for? I don't know yet. I want to tie it around something precious, but right now, I'm still in the middle of finding my happiness. But it's Christmas, and even though it's Aloha, you're the real Santa, so I thought I might as well get something red. I'll keep it somewhere I can reach it whenever I need it. Yes, like a charm.

And, Santa, about this whole situation.

This is all just a dream, right? I'll wake up to find a lovely ribbon by my pillow, and my son will tease me, asking why I only got a ribbon.

Ah, that would be plenty of happiness, too.

***

Even so.

I hope to be a little more greedy this Christmas 2022.

Whether you're spending this year with a beaming smile, or you're saying your smiles are currently in a savings account. I hope everyone, adults and children alike, gets to meet Santa. And if you do meet him, I hope you get a proper present. Just because you have it now doesn't mean you have to use it right away.

No matter the time, no matter how old you get, the moments when you can't laugh with all your heart are probably because you are "in the middle of finding your happiness." As long as you believe that, happiness won't disappear, and it might even double while you're letting it rest.

Or so I keep telling myself.

On cold nights, have a laugh with some cocoa.
Most things will work out just fine.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas☆

*I am participating in this*

Nanami-san, thank you for organizing such a wonderful project again this year.
I am sorry I could not raise my hand right away. I was worried about whether I could write it, and I kept dragging my feet.

Writing something that everyone can enjoy is difficult, and in the end, it became a piece for myself, but I would be happy if there is even one person who feels their heart has become a little lighter. Like, 'Oh, even a person like this is laughing a few years later,' or something like that.

*

Nine days until Eve.

The calendar filled with thoughts continues.
Please join us until the very end. I will also be reading through it slowly.

Thank you for letting me participate again this year.

With gratitude to everyone who read this long piece to the end.

2022.12.15 suzuco