This Must Be What It Means to Be Loved
Thank you to everyone who read my previous post of gratitude.
I was so happy to receive such warm responses that I felt like writing another one...
Have you ever found yourself laughing at a sudden, whimsical display of affection?
My cat rubs against me and shows me its belly, so I give it a little rub.
The next moment, out of nowhere, a cat punch!
It was in such a good mood just a second ago, so I can't help but laugh and wonder why it changed so suddenly.
And on its bottom, there were a few little pieces of poop stuck there.
Seeing that, instead of being put off, I felt an overwhelming sense of endearment.
This little one always lives exactly as it feels,
rubbing against me when it wants affection, and swatting at me when it's not in the mood.
It doesn't try to be proper, and it doesn't try to be a 'good' cat.
And yetโor perhaps, precisely because of thatโ
I can find everything about it, in any state, to be completely adorable.
I suddenly realized something.
I had always been trying to be the 'proper version of me'.
I felt I had to keep the house in order, look after my family,
and be someone others could rely on, keeping my shoulders tense.
Even when I was tired, I would think, 'Well, I guess I'll do it,' and keep moving.
Even on days when I really wanted to say, 'I'm struggling today,'
I would just smile and say, 'I'm fine.'
I thought that was kindness, but
perhaps I felt that if I wasn't the 'proper me,'
I wouldn't be loved.
But I think that assumption was what had been causing me so much pain all along.
In reality, I don't need to be proper; just being 'me' is enough.
My cat is different.
It's whimsical, a bit scatterbrained, sometimes a nuisance,
yet it holds its head high and just stays as it is.
Every time I touch that 'as-is' nature,
I feel relieved, and I feel the tension leaving my shoulders.
Right in front of me is a being that is loved, even without being 'proper' or perfect.
For me, that was a quiet but profound realization.
'I want to try living like that, too.'
On the day I thought that,
the cat that had been rubbing against me sat down right on my lap.
It still had that poop stuck to it, but
that didn't matter anymore.
Just as it is, entirely, it is precious to me today.
For your 'as-is' self today, too,
there is surely someone who will gently stay by your side.
And I believe that is the most important thing of all.
#ItsOkayNotToBeProper
#BeingYourself
#PreciousDailyLife
#LifeWithCats
#TakeCareOfYourself
#HSPMe
#HeartfeltRealization
#Essay