Hesitation of the Heart and a Quiet Light

I was scared and lonely.
Even so, I chose to be honest with myself.

𓂃𓈒𓏸

When are you able to be honest with yourself?
Are you able to embrace your true self, just as you are?

I always want to be honest.
Sometimes that is scary and lonely, and
I may feel the pain of not being able to deeply understand someone,
but I have faced myself without running away.

This is not a story about a special relationship with someone else.
It is simply my story, where I chose to
gently look at the vague parts of myself I didn't want to see.

I put it into words and conveyed my feelings.
It wasn't that I wanted a reply from anyone.
I just wanted to properly accept my own true feelings myself.

But sometimes, I thought, 'Maybe there is something wrong with me for facing things this way.'
I thought that many times.

There were times when people acted like I was a nuisance,
left as if to run away from the situation,
or pretended to listen while closing their hearts to me.

At those times, I was convinced that it was all my fault.
But now I understand.
Perhaps my presence was reflecting the 'parts they didn't want to see' within them.

It is not wrong to not face things.
That person may have their own things they want to protect,
or pain they cannot yet touch.
That is why I think the choice to intentionally turn away
is also their own way of doing their best to live.

Even so—
I did not give up on myself.

I couldn't see anything certain at all.
But because I could clearly hear the voice of my heart,
I followed that voice and moved forward one step at a time.

And then, what visited me after a while
was a stillness like the murmuring of a river.
My hesitation and wavering gradually settled down.

I, who was told when I was young that I had a 'straightforward personality like splitting bamboo,'
have now gently awakened in a quiet place,
and have finally become able to touch my true self.

From now on, while surrendering myself to the flow,
I want to keep my eyes firmly on where I stand.

Like a butterfly dancing in the soft light.
My journey continues, gently but surely.

My heart feels lighter, and I think of the future with excitement.
A place where I can move at my own rhythm without being swayed by anyone.
That is my freedom.

There, the laughter and singing of my family echo.
Troubled faces, happy faces, lonely faces, tired faces—
all of them have become my precious treasures.

Because I faced myself without running away,
I can think that I was able to notice the warm things in my hands now.

And now, I finally understand clearly.

Everyone carries weakness.
That is why I will remain as I am.
That is my greatest strength.

In my heart, which hesitated but did not give up,
what was shining gently—was a quiet light.

That first step you took, even while carrying your weakness—
do you remember it?

𓂃𓈒𓏸

Thank you for reading until the end.
I would be happy if there is something in these words that gently remains in your heart.

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