"Because Daddy is kind"—Acceptance, Empathy, and Congruence taught by my 3-year-old son

While studying to become a career consultant, I have encountered the terms "acceptance," "empathy," and "congruence" many times.

Even though I intend to value these in interviews with clients, I often find that I am not actually practicing them in my daily life.

I had an experience the other day that made me keenly aware of this.

Conflict with my 3-year-old son

Recently, I have been struggling with how to deal with my 3-year-old son.

He asks for seconds when there is no food left.
He won't rinse his mouth after brushing his teeth.
He won't put his toys away.

No matter how many times I tell him, he doesn't move, and I end up raising my voice.

"Why won't you do it?"
"How many times do I have to tell you?"

Such words slip out of my mouth.

I don't really want to yell.
But before I know it, I am yelling.

I felt self-loathing for being that way.

I yelled again the next morning

On the night of one such day, I apologized to my son, saying, "I'm sorry."

However, the next morning, while getting ready for kindergarten, I yelled again.

He wouldn't rinse his mouth after brushing his teeth.
He wouldn't go to the bathroom.

I was pressed for time and felt impatient.

"I just apologized yesterday."

Thinking that made me feel even more depressed.

A word spoken when we made up

After I finished work that day and returned home, I apologized to my son again.

Then, my son suddenly said this:

"Because Daddy is kind."

I was speechless.

Even when I asked my wife, she said they don't usually have conversations like that.

Honestly, I don't think I have been a "kind daddy" lately.

I was always yelling and always reflecting on my behavior.

Even so, perhaps my son was seeing the kindness within me.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance in career counseling means accepting a person's existence and emotions without evaluating them.

Toward my son, I was only looking at things from the perspective of,

"Why can't you do it?"

But in reality, he must have had feelings like,

"I wanted to eat more."

"I didn't want to stop playing."
Even if I need to stop the behavior, there is no need to deny his feelings.

I felt once again that this is the same in client support.

Empathy is not "solving the problem"

We tend to try to convince the other person.

To my son, I kept explaining,

"There isn't any left."
"So it can't be helped, right?"

However, what my son was seeking was not an explanation, but empathy, such as,

"You wanted to eat more, didn't you?"

It is the same in career counseling.

The other person is not necessarily seeking answers or advice.

Sometimes, they are first seeking to be understood.

Congruence is not being a "perfect self"

What made me think the most this time is congruence.

I want to be a "father who doesn't yell."

But in reality, there are times when I do yell.

It becomes painful if I try to pretend that fact didn't happen.

That is why I acknowledged my own feelings of,

"I yelled."
"I didn't really want to yell."

And I apologized to my son.

I am not a perfect father.

Even so, I can be honest about my feelings and try to repair the relationship.

I thought that this, too, is a form of congruence.

Conclusion

"Acceptance, empathy, and congruence" that I learn as a career consultant.

They were not things needed only inside the interview room.

Perhaps, in fact, it is at home where they are tested the most.

The words "Because Daddy is kind" that I received from my 3-year-old son.

Those words have become precious to me, reminding me of the starting point of career counseling.