My Heartless Mutterings: "Two-Faced Weather"

I am a heartless daughter.

My parents' home is in Fukuoka, and I am in Ehime.

My older brother has been looking after our mother, but it seems to have become difficult, and my older sister says she will take her in for the time being.

But if that also proves difficult, the conversation will likely turn to a nursing care facility.

All I can do, having done nothing else, is provide money...

At my age, it sounds childish to say this, but
I have never felt that my mother did anything for me.

By the time I was old enough to understand things, my mother was already mentally ill. So, from my childhood, I only have memories of her doing unpleasant things to me.

When I was in elementary school, she was hospitalized and her symptoms stabilized, but I have always thought of her more as a child than as a mother.

She never did anything for me; she never raised me.

And yet, I have to provide money for my mother.

Just because she is my parent.

It is a nasty thought. But it is money that my husband and I earn by working. We do not have money to spare.

I had such restless, uneasy feelings.

This is the second time such a conversation has come up, once about a year ago and again recently.

I rethought it, telling myself I should just think of it as being for my brother and sister.

And then, "Who is your money for?"
Behind goods and services, there are many people working. It is obvious, but it made me realize that.

The money from our household will go to the people who will care for my mother.

When I think of it that way, I felt one step more at ease.
Nothing is decided yet, and I do not know how things will turn out.
Though, honestly, the financial burden is tough.

I suppose I really am a heartless girl for thinking things like this.