Thoughts from my 50s: 'I want to create a world where no one is lonely'

One day, suddenly,
I felt strongly, 'I don't want to be like this anymore!!'

I want to live my own life.
I want to live as myself.

But what does it mean to be myself?

What is my true self?
To begin with, who am I?

From that day on, I started to face myself and look back on my past.
I thought I understood myself best.

No, I thought I understood.

I had a session with a professional coach who holds an ICF MCC certification,
of whom there are only about 90 in the country.
As we continued our dialogue,

emotions I had kept suppressed for so long
began to overflow without me even realizing it.
I couldn't stop the tears.

Why do I want to help mothers who are struggling?

Why do I want to be a source of strength for children
who are finding life difficult?

Why do I even want to make that my job?

Since I was a child,
I felt I shouldn't worry my parents.

I had to not betray their expectations.
I had to not be a burden.
I had to be a good girl.

Because I was the older sister,
I naturally learned to endure things.

In truth, I was lonely.

I carried a sense of being all alone,
as if no one cherished me.

But I never told anyone about those feelings,
and I lived my life trying not to see them myself.

Even after I got married, my heart was lonely.

Neither my parents nor my husband
could understand my feelings.

I carried that loneliness with me for a long time.

And after I became a single mother,
the pretense of being fine only accelerated.

I couldn't show weakness to my parents or anyone around me.

I have to be strong.
I have to protect my children.

By holding on like that,
I think I was suppressing
the emotion of 'loneliness'.

I wanted help.
I was lonely.
I was isolated.

Even though I must have felt it,
I put a lid on those emotions,

put on a calm face,
and lived pretending to be fine.

The tears that flowed during the session
were not just tears of sadness.

You finally noticed me, didn't you?

You did well.
You worked so hard.
You were actually lonely, weren't you?

I hugged my past self
tightly in my heart.

And then, I took a deep breath.

Finally, I understood.

The one I wanted to help was
my past self, whom I had suppressed
and left behind.

People who are struggling but pretending to be fine.

People who are working hard alone
while feeling that no one understands them.

People who leave their own feelings behind
without being able to say they need help.

When I see such people, I can't leave them alone.

Because I saw my past self in them.

I cannot provide the answer
for that person.

I cannot walk their life
in their place.

Even so,
so that they don't have to carry it all alone,
I can listen to them by their side and think together.

That is why I think:

I want to create a world where no one is lonely.

Everything I have experienced in my life so far.

As a mother, as a worker, as a manager,
walking while feeling lost.

And,
what I realized while facing myself.

I want to turn those things
into strength for someone else from now on.

I have come to think that I want to live
the rest of my life as a coach.
I don't have a complete answer yet.

There are days when I am lost.

There are days when I feel scared.
I think there will be days when I stand still.
I want to write down even the feelings that don't turn into words well,

and the thoughts in progress that can't be neatly summarized,
as much as possible, just as they are.

And, to you who have also left yourself behind,
I want you to give your past self

a big hug.


You've worked so hard.You were actually lonely, weren't you?
You don't have to leave yourself behind anymore.

We are allowed to live

our own lives.
One step at a time, together.