I thought about the terror of being "busy."
At my previous job,
I was somewhat proud
of myself for saying
that I was "busy."
My schedule was packed,
and I had a mountain of things to do.
I was intoxicated by that situation.
I felt like I was being relied upon,
and that I was needed.
What I think now is that
back then, I was
actually using "busyness"
as an escape.
As if being a busy person
meant I was excused for various things.
Why did it turn out that way?
Behind it all,
I think I was working hard
or serving others
to fill a sense of worthlessness
or guilt within myself.
I wouldn't turn down requests.
If someone was in trouble, I would lend a hand.
I would easily take on work,
saying, "I can still do more."
From the perspective of those around me,
I might have been seen as
a "hard worker,"
a "kind person,"or a "responsible person."
perhaps.
But,
deep down in my heart,
I always had the feeling that
"I have no value
as I am."
I have to produce overwhelming results.
I have to be liked by everyone.
That's why
I couldn't settle down
unless I was always doing something.
I felt anxious if I wasn't
being useful to others.
Perhaps I felt that if I was useful to someone,
I could justify
my own existence.
If I kept myself busy,
I wouldn't have to feel that anxiety.
If I kept myself busy,
I could feel that "I truly exist."
But I think busyness
has another side to it.
When you are busy,
you lose the time to think about
your own true feelings.
That you are actually tired.
That you are actually lonely.
Something that is truly scary.
You can end up putting all of those things
on the back burner.
Being busy is
like an anesthetic.
It makes you stop feeling the pain.
But,
it doesn't actually
fix the problem itself.
Now, I am
making a conscious effort
to stop every once in a while.
Not overstuffing my schedule.
Considering the option
of saying no even when asked.
Not fearing unproductive time.
At first, it was very scary.
Because when I wasn't doing anything,
I felt like I had become
empty.
Because I felt like
I wasn't needed by anyone.
Recently,
I've started to understand a little.
That even if you aren't busy,
and even if you aren't being useful,
it's okay for a person to exist.
That is actually the normal state of things.
Sometimes,
it might be important
to ask yourself this question.
Am I busy right now
because I am doing what I truly want to do?
Or
am I busy because I feel anxious
if I am not busy?
Busyness is
a mask that looks very respectable.
That is precisely why,
it might be necessary to have the courage
to take it off sometimes.
Please leave a comment with your thoughts, advice, or anything else. It encourages me.
I would also be happy if you could give me a like after reading.
Anyway, let's become cool adults.
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