Who is someone who can help themselves and others?

I happened to catch sight of Osho's thick book titled The Mystic's Path and when I picked it up and opened it to where the bookmark was, I found something written that was perfect for my current situation.

I think that even those who have had painful, bitter experiences in their relationships with their parents, or those who have been hurt and are harboring anger, might be able to gain some understanding of their own experiences.

This book is compiled in a format where Osho answers questions from various people.

The place where the bookmark was inserted is titled "Chapter 15: True Wealth."

A person who harbors anger toward their parents while seeking help from them

The discourse begins with this question.

"I am angry at my parents for the first time. They are simple people, and I tell myself that it is not their fault that they do not understand you. However, my anger contradicts my love so much that it hurts me. I am so angry while writing this that I cannot even state my question clearly. Could you please help me?" (OSHO, The Mystic's Path, Shimin Shuppansha, 2009, p. 307)

The questioner knows that it is not their parents' fault that they are misunderstood, yet they cannot do anything about their own anger.

Furthermore, they are aware that this anger is hurting them, and they are asking for help.

I felt that this very accurately described my feelings when I clearly realized a few years ago what my parents had been doing to me.

Osho answers this question with great understanding, kindness, and clarity.

I, as a reader of the text, can feel it clearly.

Parents' intentions are good, but their consciousness is nil

"Any child would be angry if they understood what their poor parents were doing to them unconsciously without knowing it" (p. 307), Osho says.

He then points out that all of the parents' "efforts are for the sake of the child" (p. 307), meaning their intentions are good.

However, he continues, while the intentions are good, "their consciousness is nil" (p. 307-308).

"Good intentions in unconscious people are dangerous. They cannot bring about the results they intended. They might produce the exact opposite" (p. 308).

Osho even says that every parent tries to bring wonderful children into this world, but the results are completely the opposite, and it would be better if the world were full of orphanages.

This is because if the world were full of orphanages as far as the eye could see, "at least people would be themselves—there would have been no parents to interfere with them" (p. 308).

It appears to Osho that the good intentions of parents who lack clarity become interference in the child's life, hurting the child deeply, to the point where he feels like saying such things.

Anger is useless and hurts you too

However, he points out that while the questioner's anger is natural, it is not useful.

Getting angry does not help your parents, and it also hurts you.

He then introduces a mysterious saying of Gautama Buddha.

It is said that Buddha stated, "By getting angry, a person is punishing themselves for someone else's mistake" (p. 308).

When you first hear this saying, "Getting angry is punishing yourself for someone else's mistake," doesn't it seem like a truly mysterious statement?

While showing understanding for the anger felt by the questioner and others who share these feelings, Osho says that such anger helps no one and only creates more wounds within you.

How are children raised?

He then states, "I will now explain to you the entire mechanism of how children are raised" (p. 308).

First, Osho says, "You should understand more that everything that has happened, happened because it was meant to happen."

This is because what parents did was conditioned by their own parents, and it has been passed down from generation to generation.

When I realized that I had been abused, I initially felt anger and sadness.

The trigger for realizing that what I had experienced was "abuse" is written here.

After a while, I desperately tried to understand why it was so, and why things were the way they were.

And I realized that both of my parents were merely doing to their children what had been done to them by their own parents, following their own unconscious patterns.

Certainly, even now, there are many things I don't fully understand, and I still get hurt, but thanks to what I learned at that time, I can see my parents in a slightly different light.

"Your parents are doing exactly what was done to them. They are victims. You will feel compassion for them, and you will also feel happy that you are not repeating the same thing in your own life. If you decide to have children, you will feel joy—that you are trying to break that vicious cycle, that you are trying to jump out of the line that has continued from the very beginning of this to yourself, and that you can be the dead end for it. You will not do that to your own children, nor to anyone else's children." (pp. 308-309)

I understand Osho's words well.

And when my parents treated their grandchildren with violence at times, I did my best to stop them and pleaded with them to quit.

I was desperate not to let my nieces experience the same suffering I did.

I don't know whether that was rewarded or not.

However, if I had completely accepted my parents' patterns, I probably would not have done something like this.

The good fortune of meeting a master who can explain what is happening between parent and child

“You should feel that you are lucky,” says Osho.

This is because, “in a world where everyone is doing their best, yet things keep getting worse,” there is “a master who can explain what has been happening between parent and child,” and “a master who can explain complex conditioning, good intentions, and bad results” (p. 309).

In my case, I can say that it is my good fortune to have encountered the book that contains this dialogue.

My parents were not lucky enough to have a master.

Nevertheless, I am angry at them.

“You should feel their kindness, their compassion, their loving feelings. Whatever they did was unconscious. They had no other way. They tried everything they knew on you. They were miserable. And they created another miserable human being in this world.”

Yes, my parents had no other way. I know that.

Osho points out that my parents lacked clarity as to why they were miserable.

If you can clearly understand the source of violence, you will not repeat the same thing

“You have the clarity to understand why people become miserable. And once you understand how unhappiness is created, you can avoid causing the same thing to someone else.” (p. 309)

If I can firmly understand why my parents used violence against me in various ways, denied my dignity, insulted me, or laughed at my illness, and where all of that originated, I will not try to do the same to others.

Continuing, Osho says to have compassion for your parents.

This is because, “they tried hard. They did everything they could. They just didn't know anything about how psychology works.” (p. 309)

After realizing that what my parents did to me was “abuse,” my interest turned to psychology, which unravels the unconscious.

I had been interested in and reading psychology before that, but this time, I ended up reading it from the perspective of elucidating the psychological factors of “abuse.”

My parents lacked the basics

Returning to Osho's words.

My parents “were taught how to be Christians, how to be Marxists, how to be tailors, how to be plumbers, how to be philosophers,” but they lacked the basics.

“If you intend to have children, the most important teaching for them should be how to be a mother, how to be a father.” (p. 309)

“Giving birth to a child physiologically and being a mother or a father are completely different things. That requires considerable education. After all, what that person is creating is a human being.” (p. 310)

Osho says that it is fortunate to be able to understand the situation one's parents were in.

Indeed.

I think it is unfortunate if one cannot understand the situation their parents were in, because then they cannot understand the essence of their own circumstances, and they will unconsciously do to someone else the same things that were done to them.

“They did not do anything specifically to you. They would have done the same thing to any child born to them. They were programmed that way. They were helpless. And being angry at helpless people is simply not right. It is unjust, unfair, and more than that, it is harmful to you.” (p. 311)

My siblings and I protected ourselves from our mother's over-involvement in different ways

Of my parents, my mother was over-involved.

My father apparently tried to stop her, but my stubborn mother blocked him.

My older brother, who is much older than me, took defensive measures by becoming aggressive to protect himself from her over-involvement.

That was unavoidable when he was small, but the fact that it has not been deactivated now that he is an adult is causing unnecessary chaos for him and his family.

Unlike my brother, who tried to protect himself by becoming aggressive, I protected myself from the over-involvement by creating a world of my own inside.

Now, that bystander-like behavior has largely disappeared.

And by understanding what our parents' parents did, and what our parents did, I have come to understand what my brother and I were subjected to.

Truly, once it sinks in, you can let go of the anger.

I think it is unjust, as Osho says, to be angry at parents who did not have an understanding of what they were doing.

Of course, there are still times even now when I almost forget that.

My parents followed the crowd, but their child jumped out of the crowd

Osho also describes the difference between the questioner and their parents as follows:

“Your parents are normal people. They are just following the crowd, and that is safer. You have jumped out of that crowd. You are an adventurer, and you have chosen a dangerous path. If they do not want a dangerous lifestyle, that is their choice. It is no cause for your anger.” (p. 311)

This applies to me as well.

It might also be said to apply, to some extent, to those who have awakened from social brainwashing and are suffering painful consequences for trying to tell their families the truth.

How can I be of help to my parents?

How can someone like me, or the person who asked this question, who harbors anger toward their parents or loved ones, be of help to them?

Osho says, "You really can help them."

How?

Through argument?

Osho asserts, "Argument never changes anyone" (p. 311).

Then what should be done?

"By becoming a more conscious, more alert, more loving individual. Just seeing you like that can change them. Just seeing such a dramatic change in you can make them reconsider that perhaps they might be wrong. There is no other way. (Omitted) The only thing that changes people is the charisma, magnetism, and charm of your personality. If that happens, everything you touch will turn to gold." (p. 311)

A loving individual changes people

In "Star Wars," it was the love of his son Luke that saved Darth Vader, who had fallen to the dark side.

"Luke believed that there was still a good heart left in Vader. For that reason alone, he vowed to save his father from the dark side. It didn't matter what others thought. It didn't matter if Vader himself didn't trust himself. If he failed, he would die. He just purely wanted to save his father."
(Jean-Claude Yaga, "The Philosophy of the Jedi: Fulfill Your Destiny Through the Guidance of the Force," Gakken Plus, 2017, p. 215)

From the movie "Return of the Jedi."

Luke: I can't leave you here. I have to save you.
Vader: You already have, Luke. You were right.
You were right about me.

I'm not sure if this conveys well, but I feel that the English expression "You are right" not only means that an opinion is correct, but also carries a nuance of complete affirmation toward the other person.

This does not happen in arguments.

Pour your energy into self-transformation!

Therefore, Osho advises, "Pour your energy into transforming yourself."

"Instead of wasting your time and energy being angry and fighting with a past that no longer exists, pour all your energy into making your own true self attractive. Then, when your parents see you, they will be unable to avoid being touched by the new quality you have cultivated, a quality that cannot help but impress people. They will be unable to avoid being touched by your newness, your understanding, that unconditional love, and the kindness that appears even in situations where anger would be more appropriate." ("The Mystic's Path," p. 312)

“You don't need to say a single word. Your eyes, your expression, your actions, your behavior and your responses will bring about a change in those people. They will begin to explore what happened to you and how it happened to you—because everyone desires that kind of quality. That is true richness.” (p. 312)

Of course, the act of conveying dangerous and exciting information itself is not wrong.

However, as I wrote in a previous article, if the other person does not have ears to listen, saying something or conveying information will be completely counterproductive.

In such times, it is better to keep your own door slightly open and direct your energy toward your own transformation.

Self-transformation leads to helping yourself and your parents

Osho says that transforming yourself is what will “help you and help your parents.”

“Perhaps it might cause a chain reaction. (Omitted) It is just like you sitting on the bank of a quiet lake and throwing a pebble into it. Because it is just a small pebble, at first only small ripples are formed. But one after another, the ripples spread... and they continue to spread to the farthest reaches of the lake. Yet, it was just a small stone.” (p. 312)

“Create small ripples of true individuality. Then, it will reach many people—and of course, it will also reach those who are most closely related to you.” (p. 312)

I want to let go of anger and become a person filled with love

I have a desire for my mother to properly apologize not only for what happened on Sunday, 4/4, but also for things that have happened up until now.

But such thoughts will eventually turn into anger and hurt me.

Certainly, what happened on Sunday, 4/4, was painful, and even now I feel anger and confusion, but since I can understand the situation my mother has been placed in, perhaps, as Osho says, having compassion is the desirable way to be.

Osho does not say for a moment that it is easy.

“Becoming a more conscious, more alert, and more love-filled individual” is not an easy thing.

I still need to make an effort.

But I think this is something that is very much worth trying.

I do not know where in my ancestry the parenting patterns my parents had began.

However, in my generation, I will stop this. I will stop it. Because such a pattern makes no one happy.