I Thought I Was Living My Own Way

I thought I was living my own way.

I felt uncomfortable walking the same path as everyone else, and I thought about what I truly wanted to cherish.

Little by little, I think I have become able to choose my life based on my own feelings, rather than the correct answers decided by someone else.

But when I interact with people, I notice something.

I am, after all, afraid of being disliked.

Just because the other person's expression clouds over a little,

"Did I say something wrong?"

I find myself thinking.

Even when I think differently, there are times when I choose words that I think will please the other person.

Praising more than necessary, empathizing more than I actually feel, and prioritizing the other person's mood over my own feelings.

While saying I want to live my own way, I find myself trying to look good to the person in front of me.

It's somewhat disappointing.

But when I think about why I go to such lengths to appease others, I feel that what lies at the root is not just kindness.

I don't want to be disliked.
I don't want to ruin the relationship.
I don't want to be thought of as a difficult person.

The desire to protect myself is surely mixed in there as well.

Even when I think I am being considerate of the other person, I am sometimes actually just conforming to them so that I don't get hurt.

That might be a little different from true kindness.

Of course, I don't think you should just say whatever comes to mind.

Choosing your words so as not to hurt others is important.

However, if you change your own feelings just to be liked, you gradually lose sight of your true self.

Even though I act in a way to avoid being disliked by others, I end up disliking myself.

I don't think that can be called living my own way.

It is still difficult to become someone who isn't afraid of being disliked.

I think I will probably continue to watch people's reactions.

Even so, when I realize I am forcing myself to play the role of a good person, I want to stop for just a moment.

"What do I really think?"

Just being able to ask myself that should be a little different from how it has been until now.

Living your own way might not just be about going to the places you like or doing the things you like.

Even if you are afraid of what others might think, do not dismiss your own feelings.

I believe that small accumulation is what leads to living in a truly authentic way.