The story of how I felt like I could breathe again when I stopped trying to go back to 'the way things were'
I have to get back to normal as soon as possible.
There was a time when I kept telling myself those words.
For a long time, I kept telling myself that.
When you get sick or injured,
you inevitably end up aiming for 'the person you were back then'.
The version of me that could work normally.
The version of me that could handle housework.
The version of me that could go anywhere I liked freely.
I, too, was always,
trying to return to that place.
But looking back now,
perhaps that 'back to normal' goal,
was what was causing me so much pain.
Hearing 'You seem okay now' was a little painful
When I broke my ankle,
and when I was suffering from asthma,
the people around me were worried about me.
And when I started to get a little better,
they would say things like this to me:
I'm glad you're better.
You seem to be doing fine now.
Of course, they meant no harm.
In fact, it was kindness.
But,
every time I heard those words,
a part of me felt a little suffocated.
Even after the cast came off,
it hurt to walk.
Stairs were scary.
Even with my asthma,
even if it wasn't visible to others,
there were days when it was tough.
Everyone thought I was getting better.
But I,
was still struggling just to get by.
I couldn't quite put those feelings into words,
and I feel like I carried them all by myself.
I kept fighting against my past self.
When you can no longer work,
your income stops too.
Medical expenses.
Gas money.
Parking fees.
Things I had been able to pay for as a matter of course until now,
suddenly started to feel like a heavy burden.
I really want to pay for them myself.
I really don't want to be a burden to anyone.
Those thoughts just kept growing,
and before I knew it,
I was comparing my past self to my current self.
"I used to be able to do this before."
"I used to be able to work harder than this."
But,
that's a battle you're destined to lose from the start, isn't it?
After all,
my past self was me when I was healthy.
My current self is,
me while I am in the middle of dealing with illness or injury.
The conditions aren't the same.
Even so, there are still days when I want to go back.
To be honest,
I still think about it sometimes.
I wish I could move like I used to.
That's what I think.
So,
it's not like I've completely let go of everything😊💦
But,
I've become a little tired,
of constantly chasing after my former self.
So lately,
I've started to think like this.
What can I do as I am now?
Even if I can't walk for an hour like I used to,
I was able to walk a little today.
Even if I can't work like I used to,
I was able to write an article today.
Even if I can't do everything by myself like I used to,
I was able to say "thank you."
I've started counting those little things.
Moving forward while remaining weak
The old me,
was not good at asking for help.
I thought that relying on others was a sign of weakness.
But now, I think a little differently.
Asking for help,
was not a defeat.
Relying on others,
was not a weakness.
Perhaps,
I just learned that I cannot live alone.
Even now, there are days when I feel anxious.
There are days when I feel impatient.
"Why only me?"
There are even days when I think that.
But,
it is okay to have days like that.
I have come to be able to think that way.
If there is anyone right now,
who is suffering because they cannot return to their former self,
please, do not rush.
It is okay if you cannot force yourself to look forward.
It is okay to have days where you stand still.
It is okay to have days where you cry.
Am I happier than I was back then?
Have I become stronger?
Honestly, I am not sure.
But,
the scenery that I could not see before,
I can see a little bit of it now.
Even just that,
might not have been so bad.
Tonight,
while gently looking at those hands that have worked so hard,
please say this to yourself.
"It's okay 😊"
Just that.
You made it this far today.
That alone is enough.🌿
"I can't go back to who I was"
—this despair is actually a process of rebirth called
"destructive plasticity"
where you transform into a new self. I am currently putting together a guide on specific
"ways to change your mindset"
so you can start walking forward as you are now, without clinging to your past self.
Coming soonso please look forward to it.
🌿Related Articles
・Days when you think, 'Why is it always me?'
(https://note.com/iyohibi/n/n2f4f98d04db0)
・The kinder you are, the less you notice you are enduring
(https://note.com/iyohibi/n/nee5367a13439)
・Being 'faint' just means you are still 'in progress'🌿
(https://note.com/iyohibi/n/nb7d8c9fc98af)
・I decided to stop pushing myself too hard
(https://note.com/iyohibi/n/nee0bc9ad6599)
I hope this reaches others who are also pausing for a moment, just like I did.
#WorkplaceInjury
#Convalescence
#TakingCareOfMyself
#SortingOutMyFeelings
#LivingDifficulties
#Essay
#LifeAfter50
#IyoPalmistryAndWords
#Palmistry
#PalmistryAndWords